Popular Post devilsrule33 Posted April 15, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted April 15, 2015 (edited) I feel like a jerk. I was warned about how bad this season was going to be, and I kept it to myself rather than sharing it with the NJDEVS community. I could have spared everyone from watching this season, but instead you guys and gals got 82 games of hell. There's no more secrets between us. Time to fill you in on how I knew. Opening night...Present Day Me has settled down to watch Game 1 of the '14-15 season Devils season vs the Flyers when suddenly a fatter, balder, grayer-haired me appears through a wormhole out of breathe Future Me: It's me or you from the future. I don't have a lot of time, but just you got to trust me. Turn the game off and skip the season. Look at me. Present-Day Me: Holy sh!t, you look and sound fvcking terrible. You reek of booze too. FM: I know, and this is precisely why you can't watch this season. This is going to be you if you follow the team this year. PM: No way, I am digging this team. Things are going to turn around. You know why I think that? Ryder's already scored with an assist from Clowe. If that isn't a sign, I don't know what else could be. The TV is still on and we hear "SCAAAAAR! Henrique!" PM: See. 2-0 Devils! And guess who got the assist....Ryder!! Minutes later..."SCAAAAAARRR. Cammalleri's 1st as a Devil from Jagr. The first of many connections between these two. I can guarantee you that!" FM: (to himself) sh!t, I've come too late. Any longer, and he's going to see Ryder get another point, Havlat get a point, and Cammalleri score again from Jagr. He's even going to see a Zubrus goal. That's going to be the only 6-goal game of the season. Then the next game he'll see a 4-goal 1st period with Severson getting his first NHL goal and assist, Gelinas grab two assists, Havlat scoring and Cammalleri scoring again. Oh sh!t, I forgot about the Ryane Clowe goal in the 2nd from Ryder. It'll be too late, and he'll be stuck following all 82 games. Crap crap crap... PM: Lou has done it again. He's reinvented this team. They are back baby! FM: Listen, I'm not supposed to give you specific details of the future, and I have to go back soon, but you're giving me no choice. So I'm going to make this quick, but first I have to do something... FM Slaps PM across the face PM: Owwwww, what the fvck was that for!?!?! FM: I'm sorry, I promised myself if I ever saw me from the past, I'd slap him for even thinking for a second that this Devils team was any good. You know how stupid you look in the future for arguing with everyone that predicted the Devils not to make the playoffs. PM: You need to go back where you came from. It's 3-0, and you are ruining the game for me. You're crazy and there is nothing you can say that could shock me. FM notices his hands missing, as he's starting to disappear into the future. From the TV he hears, "And that's why Bryce Salvador, the captain, is such an important piece to this team. The leadership, the toughness, the grit, all the things that go unnoticed night in and night out...." FM: (to himself) sh!t, I only got 20 seconds to get him to turn down Ken Danyeko's voice or I'll disappear completely. Uhhhhh, what do I say, what do I say..wtf do I say.... Brunner gone! Ryder a healthy scratch! Havlat healthy scratch! Elias with Gionta! Deboer fired! PM: I'm not listening... FM: sh!t...sh!t...wait. MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRK FRASSSSEEEEEEERRRRR!!! PM lowers the sound and slowly turns to FM PM: (quietly) What did you just say? FM: MAAARRRKKKKK fvckING FRRAASSSEEERRRR!, MAARK FRAASSERR, MARK FRASER! MAAARRKKK FRAAAASSSEER! (starts to cry as he grabs PM and shakes him) MARK FRASER, MARK FRASER MARK FRASER....MARK FRASER.....(starts to break down and ends up crying on his shoulder). (trying to speak while crying) Don't you see, this is why I didn't want to tell you anything. You don't understand what it's like, game after game, night after night...16 minutes, 18 minutes, sometimes 20 minutes plus to watch Fraser play with Gelinas or Severson, and Harrold. PM: Harrold's up to? Aww man....No, this is good. I needed this. I'm ready, lay it on me... FM: Okay, rather than tell you everything, let me just give you the lineup for game 82, and you can ask questions from there...to be honest after the Fraser bit, it really isn't all that bad. I kind of feel stupid how overboard I went. I'm known to exaggerate a bit. Henrique-Gomez-Bernier Cammalleri-Zajac-Tootoo Zubrus-Elias-Gionta Boucher-Josefson-Ruutu Greene-Larsson Fraser-Severson Gelinas-Harrold Schneider PM: Woah! okay...(scanning the list) Gomez and Bernier didn't even make the team out of camp, now they are the centre and LW on the top line? FM: Yup, for 30+ games or so...but it was totally cool, Both 30 point guys. PM: What's Tootoo doing on the second line? He didn't even have a good camp and was in the AHL all last year. He should never be near the top 6. FM: Oh Jordin. Listen, there's a lot wrong with those lines above, but we got no problem with that, he was maybe the best story on the team this year. He belongs there. That doesn't even show that he got a lot of time on the PP. PM: Hmmm...How did he do then? FM: (sheepishly) 10 goals, 15 points... PM: Why is Elias on a 3rd line with Zubrus and Gionta? FM: It's pretty cool. I mean Zubrus did go 50 games without scoring, but it isn't like he plays too much except once the coaching change happened, then his minutes kind of spiked...one game he even played over 22 minutes and PP minutes with Gionta. But this is a pretty good checking line. PM: Coaching change eh, who is the new head coach? FM: Don't have one... PM: What does that mean exactly? FM: Open up your mind. It was genius actually...think football. You've you got your offensive coordinator. That was Adam Oates. You've got your defensive coordinator. Scotty fvcking Stevens. Then, you've got your guy who oversees everything. That was Lou back behind the bench. He thought of everything here. Spared no expense. PM: So like a head coach... FM: No, not a head coach. What the heck is wrong with you.... PM: Anyway, so why was Deboer fired? FM: Great question. I don't know. Combination of things...Tough buildings. Lot of tough buildings out there. I guess he got some bad luck with what felt like half the team out of the lineup? PM: Who got injured? FM: No injuries... PM: But you said players were out... FM: Oh just mumps. Larsson, Elias, Zajac, Clemmensen, Ryder, we think Jagr and Josefson too. Even an AHL coach got it. PM: Mumps? Stop bullsh!tting me. Like what the children get? How did it get to the AHL? FM: Clemmensen probably gave it to him when he was sent down for Kinkaid. 2nd best highlight of the season. PM: Speaking of the AHL, I see Boucher up. Not in love with him on the 4th line, but what can you do... FM: Oh Reid. Na, he was barely up here. Called up last week of the season. Lou wanted to keep him in the AHL. PM: Smart. Let him stay down in the AHL and rip it up, right? FM: Is 14 goals in 59 games ripping it up? PM: No.. FM: Good to know...well don't bother asking about any other prospects in the organization... PM: Alright, I won't. Back to the main roster, I see Jagr's missing. Guess age finally caught up to him. No good anymore? FM: Umm...no, he is. Just not with the Devils. He's awesome again in Florida. Anything else...got to get going. Rapid fire now. PM: Brunner? FM: Waived PM: Ryder and Havlat? FM: 11 combined goals in 87 games... PM: Clowe? FM: Really? PM: Naa, even I knew how that one ended up. So...I think I understand what happened here. FM: What? I still don't even understand what happened this year. PM: No I get it...I finally understand what your purpose coming here was for. Tanking for Connor McDavid. You want me to tune in to the draft. "First of all the New Jersey Devils would like to congratulate Dean Lombardi and the LA Kings organization for winning the Stanley Cup. With the 1st overall pick, the New Jersey Devils select Connor. fvcking. McDavid." You didn't want me to suffer the pain that you did to enjoy that moment. To be honest, I kind of feel like I'm cheating. FM Slowly takes a few steps towards the wormhole. FM: Haha, the Devils didn't finish last. They haven't won the lottery as far as I know. Cory Schneider was amazing, and even though their leading point-getter only had 43 points, they finished 6th. Not sure how to say this...there never was a tank. They did everything they could to win. Alright, glad I could help, but on that note, I got to go now (takes 1 step into the wormhole to go back to the future) PM: Wait, two more questions! FM: Fine...Go. PM: How did the Rangers do? FM: ahhhh always forget the name....President Trophy? President's Trophy. That's it. They won that. PM: Motherfvcker. Final thing. I have to know. What happened to Martin Brodeur? FM: Thought you'd never ask. Retired...all the organization's greats were there....Brett Hull, Al MacInnis, Bernie Federko. Just a beautiful press conference and ceremony. Really, really well done. PM: What are you talking about....Brett Hull? FM: (mumbling) Retired a Blue. Works for the organization now under Doug Armstrong. Didn't even mention the Devils in his retirement speech. See ya FM Dives into the Wormhole and disappears PM: (standing there in shock, mouth wide open....finally able to speak) This really is the darkest timeline... "Scar...And the Flyers tie it at 3 with .01 left in the 2nd." PM Turns off the TV immediately. The 2014-2015 New Jersey Devils everyone! Once again my bad... Edited April 15, 2015 by devilsrule33 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neb00rs Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 (edited) If you had showed me that 82nd game lineup after game 3 of the season, I would have been like, "Resting Ryder for the playoffs huh?" Good post by the way. We need more creative stuff like this on the board. I might title this back and forth: "The Neuro-Psychoses of Offense." Edited April 15, 2015 by Neb00rs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chuck the Duck Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 "Tough buildings. Lot of tough buildings out there." - HAHAHA!!! Pure gold! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewarkDevil5 Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 This post exemplifies why I believe there should be a "Like" button on posts in this forum.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Wensink Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Reading the season like this makes it so unbelievable what transpired. If we didn't live through it I wouldn't believe it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skeeter Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 This post exemplifies why I believe there should be a "Like" button on posts in this forum.... There is. It's the little green arrow at the bottom right of any post. This is probably the most dead-on brilliant post this decade. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewarkDevil5 Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 There is. It's the little green arrow at the bottom right of any post. This is probably the most dead-on brilliant post this decade. Thank you for that. I never noticed that thing before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colorado Rockies 1976 Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Outstanding dr33. Funny as hell. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
devlman Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Thank you for that. I never noticed that thing before. Neither did I lol And Great post dr33! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thecoffeecake Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 I knew exactly where this season was going and didn't struggle to watch a second of it. Watching 2012-2013 was way worse than this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BostonNala370 Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 dr33, this post is a WINNER. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colorado Rockies 1976 Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 (edited) PM: (standing there in shock, mouth wide open....finally able to speak) This really is the darkest timeline... How long before we go to where the Prudential Center used to be, only to find it replaced with Biff's Pleasure Paradise? I have to admit, I can only imagine the conversation that 2015 me would have with 2012 me just after SCF Game 6 ends. 2015 me: Hope you enjoyed that Finals run. Because guess what? You're not getting back to the playoffs for the next three seasons. After the lockout ends (yep, another fvcking lockout is really going to happen AGAIN...these guys just think they can take the sport and the people whose livelihoods depend on it hostage anytime they feel like it), Kovy's going to have to be dragged back from Russia to NJ (remember how into it he seemed here after a rough start?), and then he's going to say screw it and retire. That's right...no more "This is team" Kovy after next season. Zach's leaving too. Zajac will get signed to a long-term deal and then immediately stop producing Zajac-like numbers. And while I'm at it, I've got more good news: the Rangers...yes, the friggin' RANGERS...will get to the SCF in 2014. They won't win, but they'll win the President's Trophy in 2015, which they clinch by making us look EXACTLY the way we used to make them look in a beyond brutal home-and-home series... 2012 me: Oh fvck this. Where's the Jagermeister? The big bottle? Edited April 15, 2015 by Colorado Rockies 1976 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewarkDevil5 Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 How long before we go to where the Prudential Center used to be, only to find it replaced with Biff's Pleasure Paradise? I have to admit, I can only imagine the conversation that 2015 me would have with 2012 me just after SCF Game 6 ends. 2015 me: Hope you enjoyed that Finals run. Because guess what? You're not getting back to the playoffs for the next three seasons. After the lockout ends (yep, another fvcking lockout is really going to happen AGAIN...these guys just think they can take the sport and the people whose livelihoods depend on it hostage anytime they feel like it), Kovy's going to have be dragged back from Russia to NJ (remember how into it he seemed here after a rough start?), and then he's going to say screw it and retire. That's right...no more "This is team" Kovy after next season. Zach's leaving too. Zajac will get signed to a long-term deal and then immediately stop producing Zajac-like numbers. And while I'm at it, I've got more good news: the Rangers...yes, the friggin' RANGERS...will get to the SCF in 2014. They won't win, but they'll win the President's Trophy in 2015, which they clinch by making us look EXACTLY the way we used to make them look in a beyond brutal home-and-home series... 2012 me: Oh fvck this. Where's the Jagrmeister? The big bottle? Agreed, the last three years have been a miserable time to be Devils fans. I wonder how our fanbase will fare if this continues much longer.... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Biggie B Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colorado Rockies 1976 Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Agreed, the last three years have been a miserable time to be Devils fans. I wonder how our fanbase will fare if this continues much longer.... The fanbase should be OK. Every team goes through this. If the Devils win the lottery and McDavid's here to start next season, that's going to buy the Devils a couple more years of not being a contender. If they don't, some fans might go away until the team looks like it can make the playoffs again. But Lou needs a couple of good drafts...part of the problem now is there's no forwards to get excited about, but that can change. Anyway, don't want to turn this into a "what will Lou do?" thread, as there's enough of those. But dr33's post goes to show how quickly it can all change...and how stunning it can be when all of the right (or wrong) dominoes start falling... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DJ Eco Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 haha Brilliant, just brilliant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chuck the Duck Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 I remember when we drafted Larsson everyone rejoiced because the organization had no defensive prospects in the system at the time and that was a pressing need. 4 years later and it's the forwards that need to be stocked. Hopefully Lou can turn around the forward corp with smart drafting the way he has the D in recent years. Here's to hoping! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DevilMinder Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Amazing Dr33 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
devilsrule33 Posted April 15, 2015 Author Share Posted April 15, 2015 Thanks everyone. Glad you guys enjoyed it. You never know what's going to turn out funny when you start writing a post at 12:30AM. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nessus Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 amazing, kept getting better and better! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hystyk28 Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 Present you should have his ass kicked for not getting the winning PowerBall numbers for each week. Nice creativity, funny how things play out. Imagine being the guys in that room. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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