Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced today that with Vancouver’s hockey fandom reaching an irritating fever pitch, he has formally signed paperwork to make the city it’s own country and later sent out to sea.
“Look, we’ve already got the Habs. We ain’t getting rid of them and we don’t need another fanbase like them. So before they win the Cup I’d rather just nip this one in the bud,” Harper said at a press conference this morning. “Besides, we’ve got the Atlanta Thrashers coming up to the heart of Canada and I hear they have a stellar playoff record.”
The move came after the Canucks took a 1-0 lead in the Stanley Cup Finals last night with a gritty win over the Boston Bruins. Harper said he had hoped to avoid the decision, but it became necessary.
“What do they have like six playoff anthem YouTube videos now? And the green men are becoming pseudo-celebrities? Come on. It’s just too much. I mean didn’t the green man originate on a TV show about Philadelphia? What the fvck is that about?” he said.
“And look at this!” he said, gesturing to a man lurking behind him. “Kesler! Get the fvck out of here! Jesus. I haven’t been able to have one freaking press conference without that happening this year.”
The Vancouver Canucks issued a statement accepting responsibility for being jettisoned from the country, and pledged to do whatever the team could do to help.
“All proceeds collected from the sale of the four new jerseys the team will be introducing during the Stanley Cup Finals will go towards finding our city a new home once we’re sent out to sea,” the statement read.
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