In what will surely be viewed as a retaliation for Aaron Rome’s late hit that ended Nathan Horton’s season last night, the Boston Bruins announced that a 1,400-pound Kodiak bear will replace him in the lineup.
“We feel Mr. Sprinkles, on loan from the Russian National Circus, will give us the grit and fire we need to bring the Stanley Cup back to Boston,” said Bruins Coach Claude Julien. ”Additionally, Tyler Seguin will be brought in to replace Mark Recchi, who was mauled by the bear in our morning skate this morning.”
Mr. Sprinkles was signed to a pro-rated contract that will pay him in salmon — believed to be modeled after the contract signed by Kyle Wellwood in 2008.
Julien rejected the idea that Mr. Sprinkles inclusion in the lineup was in any way a retaliatory move for Rome’s booming hit on Horton that left him with a severe concussion.
“The use of circus acts in the Stanley Cup Finals is well documented,” he said. “Look at the Canucks. They’ve had those weird twins that drink water at the same time on their team for years. And we’re pretty sure Alexandre Burrows is just a wolverine that’s been taught to skate.”
Reached for comment, Burrows bit several fingers off an Intent to Blow reporter.
In related news, the NHL renewed its commitment to excellence in discipline today by suspending Mark Savard for the remainder of the season for Horton’s injury — a decision the league says was in no way made by Colin Campbell.
“That little fake artist clearly put on a Vancouver Canucks jersey and laid out his own teammate,” an unsigned league statement said. ”It’s despicable that he would sully the name of one of our greatest stars — Aaron Rome.”
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