Well damn I did have fun with part one after all (though seems awfully devoid of comments despite how well written and frankly sharp the one-liners were, I always do have a little extra when I have time between writings...heh I just made this sound like it will suck....no worry I still have some CM Punk-style pipebombs to launch!)....with that in mind it's time to journey to the home of the last two Super Bowl winners (and my pre-season pick to win this one)...the NFC!
NFC West:
St. Louis (9-7):
It goes so AGAINST my nature to say nice things about this city..... Least this team produces something better then crappy women and excuses
Hell St. Louis almost pulled this off last year which is pretty amazing for a rookie QB, a crap WR corps that even yes the Baltimore Ravens could boast being better then, a good but getting near the "too old" wall in Steven Jackson, and a young defense that wasn't there yet....and no I'm not being fooled by the 4-0 pre-season (though it was fun watching them beat David Garrard till it hurt), the O-Line is young, adding Mike Sims-Walker and Cadillac Williams to spell Jackson will only make the offense better and more diverse, and a young improving defense lead by Chris Long, and that kid of Road Warrior Animal....the only thing that makes me nervous here is I don't know much about their secondary....that could be a problem....but sh!t...9-7 is plenty to dominate the NFC West right? And when you see Arizona (twice), Cleveland, Seattle (twice) and San Fran in the middle of a schedule, just about any team should be able to rape and pillage on that disaster!!Arizona (7-9):
THEY GOT A QB!!! HOORAY!!!!!! This is a big step for this team....Provided that Mr. Kolb is what he's expected to be (and for what they gave up for him, he damn well frakkin better be!!!), at least now Larry Fitz, and the "world's greatest deep threat at TE" Todd Heap have someone to get the ball to them...it gets a bit brutal from there...gone is Steve Breaston, replaced by a guy with 58 CAREER catches....also gone is Tim Hightower who while he sucked at running was a useful pass catcher....let's be honest...if it wasn't for Fitz, this team's offense would SUCK....and if it wasn't for San Fran looking putrid and Seattle being shaky at best, this might be a 5-win team (hell it still COULD be...)...oh sweet Christ, their schedule starts with Carolina, Washington, Seattle, Giants and then Minnesota....ALL winnable games (what the hell is wrong in the NFL now!?!!?)...of course their next 7 games after the bye are probably losses...I wanna believe in Kolb, but this team ain't got the parts around him.... if this team had a real NFL schedule this could be a 3-13 roster.....God bless the NFC West!!!!
Seattle (6-10):
If only Seattle had pulled the trigger on Kevin Kolb....this team would be pretty good....I seem to be the only Tavares Jackson backer on the planet (but some of that might be Favre hatred and I wanna see this guy do well to show the world how dumb Minnesota was...), Seattle has all they need on offense....IF Jackson learns this system and turns it around (not easy to learn an NFL offense in under a month with little to no chemistry with anyone on the team NOT named Sydney Rice)...the defense looks like it's getting rebuilt...and frankly this team is too bland, and not even anti-football worthy to make fun of....YET....gimmie a week or three.... for now I see a bad football team with a crap schedule and soft division....that sounds about 6-10 to me (now if a certain Bills fan sees this and realizes when his lil team moves west, they might be good in this piss-poor Western Divisions!)
San Francisco (3-13):
Oh boy....the worst of the worst....the biggest nastiest turd left in the bottom of the port-a-potty when the fat guy farts and tips it over....it's really bad when Alex Smith is BY FAR your best QB (I swear he takes the snap takes three steps back and just DUCKS because he's been beaten into a corner like the main character in any lifetime movie
)....and you were so desperate you even listened to Dante Culpepper's delusions of grandeur...and still the best you came up with, is THIS guy....you must be tanking it for Andrew Luck next year, right? Then you let your best CB and MLB go....and you let your fans get shot in the parking lot....hate to tell you guys LAST year was the year you could hide behind the SF Giants magical run in baseball...this year it's just gonna be PAIN... much PAIN....wonder if your dummy owner will guarantee the division again??NFC South:
New Orleans (11-5):
I think Mark Ingram falling to them in the draft was HUGE....he's the type of back they can beat up in there, make the defenses CARE about the run again, maybe even add some play action into it, take some pressure off Drew Brees (and lower those 22 INTs from last year)...and even better, eat some minutes up to keep this aggressive, but overwhelm-able defense off the field....hell I think they're still trying to tackle Marshawn Lynch as he ran as far away from Buffalo as possible!! A little beef on the D-Line and a healthy secondary and this team is pretty damn close to it's Super Bowl form again....and be honest, they're so damn fun to watch aren't they??? This is a quality team with an aggressive defense and not too many holes and a smart coaching staff that can cover those holes!
Atlanta (10-6):
Yes the Falcons are good....and on paper they are probably better then the Saints (maybe not on defense, but its close)...but I do think when you get it HANDED to you like you did in your own house like the Packers did to you, it does affect you the next season....and it will cost them a few games....I'd list them as a VERY safe bet to be the top wild card, and the additions they made (as long as Julio Jones doesn't become the second coming of Ricky Williams....how did that work out for ya mister Dikta??)...and Ray Edwards to add some pass rush should help, I just can't see this team as 14-2 good again.....who knows... maybe they get on a roll in Dec-January and be THAT team this year? I don't think they're complete enough...not yet.....
Tampa Bay (8-8):
This is a rough one....I do like the coach and the bravado he's putting out there....he's got the Rex Ryan confidence without the Ryan Family Belly...or the nauseating bravado to shove it down your throat 24/7, he says he's better once, he believes it and he makes DAMN SURE his team knows it! And he has a team young and dumb enough to believe in it too....that's usually a good combo....but can Josh Freeman make the jump to the NFL QB Mid-Card? I'm not sure yet....(he won't go 25 TD to 6 picks again for sure)...having Mike Williams and Kellen Winslow to catch passes for him helps too....a young core on D is always a plus (helps too when you have the Barber going to the hall of fame, not the one sitting outside NFL Stadiums with a cup and a "I NEED A JOB" sign"), I do think this team is going the right way, but alot of these teams do fall back and trip when they're trying to run over the hump and be "good"....this is one of those teams
Carolina (3-13):
Oh boy....you know you're offense is bad when sCam Newton throws ONE TD pass in the PRE-season and they anoint him the guy....you know it's even worse when all the black NFL analysts who ALWAYS make excuses for the black players and coaches, are sitting back and going "guys we don't think he's ready"...though to be fair, this team's offense was HISTORICALLY bad (and this is with 2 awesome RB's in Williams and Stewart....and people wonder why I think backs are a dime a dozen....you need a good one, but there's more of those then fake-blond drunk whores in Bayonne
), they did go out and get sCam some good toys....Shockey and Olson (what the HELL was Chicago thinking) at TE....Nanee at WR to help break up the quadruple teams on Steve Smith....and the defense was better then expected last year....but there's no QB at all on this team....this might be the only football franchise in all of North America (and I mean NFL, CFL or even Arena) that would embrace Alex Smith and call him an upgrade!! The QB position is too important in this league to be lacking there, and it's gonna be ugly if sCam doesn't get with it....and I don't think he's got the chops to do it....ergo, the harsh W-L record....though I still chuckle like one of my nieces each time I say sCam Newton 
NFC North:
Green Bay (13-3):
The CHAMP....is....HERE!! And here's the scary part...the Green Bay Packers did NOTHING in the off-season....they didn't NEED to....all they needed was to get the 15 guys back from IR last year (think about that, this team won a frakking Super Bowl with 1/3 of the roster on IR....that's damn sick....and they did it with ZERO home games)...add in a weak division in the NFC North and a pretty soft schedule (playing the AFC West, though GB/SD will be awesome)....it's VERY easy to get excited and think repeat about this team (and what better way for A-Rod to say SUCK IT to Brett Fraud then to go back to back and do it without throwing 50 INTs in the process?)...speaking of A-Rod (no this one shows up in October and beyond)....it's fair to put him in the conversation with Manning, Brady and Brees now....no one picked a team up and carried them on a run like he did last year....deep at RB and at WR....good DL (Raji is a BEAST)...strong at LB and maybe the league's best secondary....add in that all of their draft picks made the team this year....this team is sick and good and DEEP, I'm not one for pre-season predictions, but damn this team looks like it's gonna be hella tough to beat.....
Detroit (9-7):
Everyone is falling in love with this team ....and I can see why, if they can keep Stafford healthy....the combo of him and Calvin Johnson is nigh-unstoppable...some balance at RB, provided Best stays healthy and a beastly defensive line that makes you think of that Giant Super Bowl front 4 with Suh, Vandenbusche...an upgraded LB core and maybe through pressure they will make up for the issues in the secondary....and even if Stafford gets hurt, you have Shaun Hill (why the hell did SF ever let him go) and even Drew Stanton was decent enough when he had to fill in last year.... I can see why people are high on this team and with the Bears and the Vikings looking like a mess...an nonthreatening schedule....and maybe there's hope in Detroit that doesn't demand an Eminem song to go with it .....ending the year with San Diego and at Green Bay is mean and will cost this team a Wild Card shot.....
Chicago (7-9):
I really don't understand what the hell the Bears are doing....I can see taking a shot on Marian Barber, as your short yardage guy and TD vulture....but Roy Williams?? Sam Hurd?? Really?? REALLY??? And you want me to take that team seriously?? And the pass-happy offense lets their most consistent receiver (Greg Olson) go?? I get that Mike Martz hates the TE but CMONNN, this team stinks as a fantasy football team forget about playing for REAL ...least the defense looks solid...it's gonna be out there alot....another scary fact....the team leader in receptions was Matt Forte....with 51....not good in such a pass-happy scheme....I'm just not big on this team and a run n gun offense in a team that plays it's November and December football in the Chicago weather, but damn it IS fun to kick Mike Martz around as much as possible
Minnesota (5-11):
This team was in the NFC Title game two years ago....with this current roster, you'd have to work hard as hell to be .500 with this team....on Madden.....the roof fell on the stadium last year....now it's fallen in on the damn TEAM.... normally I'd jump for joy that the Favre-beast is dead....but replacing him with McNabb, might still be a downgrade (that man is so damned fragile as it is, having Christian Ponder knocking on the door wanting to get in there isn't gonna help)...Sydney Rice is gone, that means that fantasy football LEGEND....LEGEND I tell you... Bernard Berrian (who FYI....ZERO TD receptions last year) is the guy on the other side of Percy Harvin (and to think Harvin had headaches LAST year)....yes there's still AP, and anytime you can hand the ball off and get it out of McFAIL's hands this is a good thing....but really, how scared are you of this passing game anyway?? Not much.....and the defense is getting picked apart player by player as well....man this isn't the way you want your team to look when you're trying to get a new building....the best news for Minnesota is there's not too many players for an LA "sports fan" to bandwagon on to so that kills their odds of following the Lakers to LA, I dunno though....LA deserves a steaming pile of ass like this franchise
NFC East:
Philadelphia (12-4):
ZOMG THEY WENT OUT AND SIGNED EVERY FREE AGENT WITH A PULSE, PEN AND AGENT!!! THEY HAVE THE MEDIA DARLING QB (who still has zero accuracy and got exposed in the playoffs and stretch run last year)....OMG THEY EVEN HAVE A CATCHY NAME AND THE WORLD PROCLAIMS THEM INVINCIBLE!!!! But yet still behind all the flash (and CMON, admit it....you laughed when Vince Young came up limp with the hamstring in the last pre-season game)...at least on paper the Eagles are close to having it all....though like I said, I have my doubts about Vick and his accuracy in crunch time (it's really easy to just chuck the ball really far and let D-Jax run under it....try putting that 3rd and 7 pass between the 2 defenders in the 4th Quarter...he can't do that...never will) and while yes the defense has all those flashy D-Backs, they still have a pretty big gaping hole in the LB's, no elite pass rusher and the over the middle D is still spotty...this is hardly a "Dream Team"....well unless you're like me and dream of Phily Sports teams failing every year
....this is maybe the 3rd best team in the NFC.....Dallas (9-7):
Yes I usually do the NFC East and the Cowboys last....but this time I did it on purpose because I have NO DAMN FEEL FOR THIS TEAM...yes they went 6-2 under team Ginger, and they did it without Dumbo which is pretty impressive...but it's also easier to be good when the pressure is off....thanks to the Eagles though, the pressure is STILL off... Dumbo is healthy and has a good set of weapons and an improving O-Line, and few teams boast a set of weapons like Austin, Bryant, Witten and Felix Jones....the scary part is there's not much behind them though.... the defense too has some promise on it (and the Fat member of the Ryan family....Jesus that stomach looks like it has the alien from Total Recall in it....it's not pretty....please NBC and FOX...just HEADSHOTS of Rob Ryan and his dumb comment??)....when you have Jay Ratliff and Demarcus Ware and an attack DC like Ryan, you will get pressure and keep the offense on its heels....but the secondary is questionable and does this team have the beef to stop a ground n pound team? Again I ain't sure about that either...this team seems better on paper and better coached then it was last year (and I'm glad we kept the Ginger for one year, with a short off-season it would have been rough to re-do the coaching staff and put a new scheme in place over a month)
NY Giants (8-8):
This is another weird team to figure out...devastated by pre-season injuries....a coach who's time with the team seems like it's passed on (there's no shame in that you can be a good coach and the marriage can simply just be OVER)....but don't worry...Eli thinks he's a top 5 QB....keep in mind though he also thinks DBs are eligible receivers :-) (I know I should have saved that line for this preview but too many Giant fans pushed the button around me
)...I do like their WR Corps and think they'll be ok there (losing Boss as the underneath guy was a loss and so is not having Steve Smith 2.0 in the slot)....I don't like their running game...Jacobs is a guy who's better the less you use him and Bradshaw doesn't seem like a carry the load dude to me, the D-Line if healthy is still good and should cover for the secondary....guess it all comes down to Eli (always seems to be about the QB, don't it?), is that enough for Tom Coughlin to keep his job? Or is it time to move on? I'm thinking it's time for the two to move on after this year....t'was a good marriage but it's divorce court time.....Washington (4-12):
John Beck (who is so awful, Redskin security didn't want to let him in the building to start training camp!) ? Rex Grossman? Who the hell is running and catching the ball on this team?? The defense looks solid, but my God the only good thing about this team is giving Dave sh!t about how sh!tty they are! Hell I went to yahoo to take a look and see if I could find ANYTHING good to say about them, but all I saw in their preview....the QBs suck, the running game is bad, the run and pass defense are bad and the special teams BLOW...guess I'll just facebook that review to Dave and point and laugh until they beat the Cowboys again
I didn't put it in the AFC one but I'll stick a bonus down here.....
MEANINGLESS PRE-SEASON PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS (they're all guesses and they are NEVER right anyway)
AFC:
San Diego, Indy, Pittsburgh, New England
Baltimore, NY Jets
NFC:
St. Louis, New Orleans, Green Bay, Phily
Atlanta, Dallas/Detroit (yeah it's cheesy to pick two teams for one spot, but it's just as lame to do pre-season predictions
)
