Dustin Byfuglien admitted today that he used Kyle Wellwood as a constant comparison while undergoing physicals for the Winnipeg Jets, making him seem much thinner and better conditioned than he actually is.
“I just had him stand next to me the entire time,” Byfuglien said. “(Team physicians) took one look at that tanker truck with pieces of cheeseburger hanging out of his mouth and said, nah, no way is Dustin that big.”
Byfuglien sent shockwaves through the hockey world earlier this summer when he was arrested for allegedly driving a boat while intoxicated. Arrest records showed Byfuglien weighed nearly 300 pounds, which immediately became the meatiest element of the story.
Byfuglien was arraigned on four charges stemming from the incident this morning and said he wanted to come clean.
“You know what, I’ll go ahead and say it. I’m fat,” he said to a scrum of reporters after a court appearance. “If that distracts you from the fact that I could have killed someone while driving a boat drunk, then let’s do this. Someone get me a turducken.”
Jets team physician Larry Spiegelman admitted that he became suspicious of Byfuglien’s apparent weight loss shortly after conducting the physical.
“I swear I saw him putting ketchup on Bryan Little. I couldn’t tell though. Wellwood was at his locker on the opposite end of the locker room and was blocking out my view.”
Wellwood, despite actually being the third lightest player on the Jets training camp roster, continues to be dogged by questions about his weight.
The 28-year-old said he has suffered from a rare disorder that causes him to appear to others as a distorted, fat, circus mirror image of himself.
“Swear to God guys, I weigh 180 pounds,” he said, while standing on a scale that read 181 pounds during his physical. “This is such bullsh!t!”
Spiegelman patted Wellwood on the back and quietly wrote 340 in the weight column.
“God dammit,” Wellwood sighed.
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