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#1 SteveStirling

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Posted 23 September 2011 - 02:27 PM

Adam Larsson as he appeared in the IKEA catalog

The New Jersey Devils’ upper brass are growing frantic after realizing IKEA failed to include assembly instructions for several of its Swedish players, putting the team’s  season jeopardy before it begins.

Hours ahead of a pre-season battle with the New York Rangers, the Devils coaching staff were scrambling to figure out how to put together its Swede-heavy lineup – which includes players like Alexander Urbom, Adam Larsson, Johan Hedberg, Mattias Tedenby and Henrik Tallinder.

“They sent over the instructions for a ‘Bjornberkl’with Larsson, whatever that is,” said newly minted coach Peter DeBoer. “He’s in 600 pieces. How the fvck am I supposed to put this kid together in two hours with nothing but an Allen wrench?”

Hedberg was originally slated to start in goal for the Devils tonight, but assistant coach Larry Robinson had trouble assembling him using instructions in German.

“When I was done, he looked like a moose,” Robinson said. “I thought maybe no one would notice, but then I figured those tall, skinny legs made his five-hole huge.”

Colorado Avalanche General Manager Greg Sherman said he sympathized.

“It’s tough to say if its worth the trouble,” he said. “We bought a Peter Forsberg on the cheap. It worked great for a few years and then the legs just fell off.”

Devils GM Lou Lamoriello said he remained confident that his lineup would be intact by opening night.

“It’s the price you pay for quality,” he said. “I can’t deal with that made in America or Canada crap. We bought a Travis Zajac off of eBay over the summer and it fell apart in three days.”


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