It’s amazing how it seems like every week the games get more exciting and entertaining (Lord know I was glued to Eagles/Tampa, but that’s because of my Schiano-hatred)….and the more I get wrapped up in the games, the more the NFL tries to do something stupid to piss me off in the process….this time it’s simple, Goodell (who needs to take a few helmet to helmet shots of his own if you ask me) is now talking about expanding the playoffs to 14 or 16 teams…NO! NOOO!! NOOOOO!!!! One of the best things about football is that it IS difficult to make the playoffs and it is only a 16 game schedule (I won’t ever complain if they made it 18 though) and the level of difficulty in winning a Wild Card spot….not to mention with the number of Wild Card teams that run the damn table now…..it’s just a BAD BAD idea….then again this lil douche-weasel is probably only doing this so we stop from pointing and laughing that his precious mentor said he was wrong about the Bounty Disaster….anyway….you’d think I’d not be so angry on my birthday, but I do it so well don’t I???
Thursday Dec. 13:
Bengals at Phily:
No wonder I was so angry before….SCREW YOU NFL THIS IS THE WORST BIRTHDAY PRESENT I’VE GOTTEN SO FAR!!!!!! Shame on you!!! The Eagles came off a flukish win against Tampa (but I will accept any Schiano loss as a gift mind you!)….and the Bengals gave the Cowboys a gift of continued playoff delusions…and breaking Dez Bryant’s finger too…..the Bengals are still the #1 sack team in the league and the Eagles are the #1 sack VICTIM in the league (though bless your heart Arizona you are close)….that match-up alone is enough to pick a winner here….plus angry Phily fans in full mutiny mode? Good times!!!
Game Quality: ** (only cause I’ll be drinking birthday booze!)
Sunday Dec. 16:
NY Giants at Atlanta:
This is a bit of a “must” game for both these teams….the Giants have Washington and Dallas (hah) nipping at their heels, while Atlanta’s been in a bit of a downswing (Drew Brees sh!t the bed day aside) and really not playing well…in fact they look like that classic pass first team that never has a run balance that goes crazy in the regular season and gets ass-stomped by the first strong team that controls the clock on them in the playoffs…. we know how the Giants are when their backs are against the wall…and as always the Giants are getting healthier too….and I can’t trust Matt Ryan and Mike Smith over Eli and Couglin….road game or not….the Atlanta panic button gets pushed and slammed today!
Game Quality: ** (one star for each Atlanta point in that playoff game)
Tampa at New Orleans:
Ah, no wonder the Bounty Folk got cleared….someone’s slipping a few grand under the table to cut some Tampa linemen when they bum rush the QB during the victory formation….ah I can dream can’t I?? Amazing for how “Good” the Tampa season has been and how “bad” the Saints season…these two teams are only one game apart in the standings….bad signs for Tampa, Drew Brees looked BAD last week, that won’t happen two weeks in a row…and Nick Foles looked like Drew Brees on the Tampa D last week…I can only imagine what the real thing is gonna do to them….you’d also think the Saints players should be a little better this week having that weight off their shoulders and a chip on them from last week’s awful loss….
Game Quality: ** ¾
Colts at Houston:
Hear that sound? It was Tom Brady knocking the Texans off their little pedestal with a well placed TD Pass to Hernandez….the Texans got humbled and frankly OWNED last week….now they stumble back home to face the story of the season as someone likes to call them “team Cancer” (believe it or not it was NOT ME who came up with this name over his morning Croissants…oh yeah I eat real food in the morning), three of Indy’s four losses were on the road this year and unlike New England…there’s no way the Colts can handle the Texan running game…the division delusion ends here….the Texans should own both lines of scrimmage, Luck will make it fun and entertaining…but experience and better skill wins out here…..
Game Quality: *** ½
Denver at Baltimore:
Remember back in the day….no team would give Peyton Manning more fits then the Ravens? Yeah those were good teams….and it usually was around this time of year and Peyton Manning would pull a playoff game type effort just in time for the fantasy football playoffs….ah yes, much good times…..but that was then….and nowadays that “vaunted” defense couldn’t stop the old pop-gun offense the Ravens used to sputter out on the field….well good thing they’re a high-octane…with….Ray Rice….Anquain Boldin?....Torrey Smith….crap I’m running out of gas here….good cause so are the Ravens….now cut my music while Peyton Manning takes his robe off and shows Baltimore what a REAL football team looks like…. HIT MY MUSIC!
Game Quality: ** ¾ (FIRE THE OC!! Oh wait…they did……)
Jacksonville at Miami:
CHAD HENNE’S REVENGE!!! Yeah…..righttt….then again there’s always one fool out there who’d rather him be the QB then Tanehill (speaking of pop-gun offense, the Miami unit has the offense force of an asthmatic shooting a blow-dart….), small fun fact here, Chris Wake is 4th in the NFL in sacks…yay something positive to talk about either team win….this is a steaming pile of anti-football….but wait the mother ship is later on…. Miami is better at just about every position (especially QB)….and this should be one of those “feel better, but damn if we only had an offense” kinda games….first to 10 wins!!!
Game Quality: anti-football…but silver…not gold…no no, no anti-football gold here….
Washington at Cleveland:
Alright who looked at this in August and said this was my anti-football gem for my birthday?? Boy were we wrong….Whoever the QB is for the Redskins, be it RG 3 or the Kissing Cousins….they’re going to be in for a tough one….the Browns have a pretty solid and stingy, but not spectacular defense, given none of the offense they’ve played lately can run the ball like the Skins can…but this is hardly a lock…I’m gonna put a asterisk next to this one because I’m assuming no Griffin on Thursday, but if he pulls a Walt Frazier and gets out there he’ll find a way to win it….but the kissing Cousins isn’t enough with the skins limited passing threats and depleted defense and on the road…..
Game Quality: *** (this will be a good game)
Vikings at St Louis:
The Vikings are on a mission…no no no not the playoffs….a mission to get AP over 2,000 yards and maybe even a swing at Eric Dickerson’s rushing record….not like they have a QB or a passing offense anyway…might as well go with what you got….the Rams did mercifully put the Bills down and smother that crying child in the crib stopping it from yelling PLAYOFFS! PLAYOFFS! to like Jim Mora yelling PLAYOFFS!?!?! Holy sh!t I didn’t even realize the Rams are on a three game win streak (and St Louis plays at Tampa and at Seattle, they could make life miserable in the NFC….)….but I’m gonna stick with my first thought….AP goes ludicrous speed and does it all himself….
Game Quality: ** ¾
Packers at Bears:
Clay Matthews is back…just in time for the Swiss Cheese O-Line of the Bears…woe is Jay Culter indeed….not to mention the Bears passing game is Brandon Marshall and a bag of sweaty balls aside (love that visual…) in fact the only game Marhsall was really shut down in was the Packer game, but there is no Charles Woodson to shut him up this week….or Jordie Nelson on the other side….this game won’t be as dominant as the last one was (though I’d not mind another 9 sacks on Cutler as long as Marshall gets his stats please!)….being able to sorta block and play for your QB makes you the better and smarter choice here…..
Game Quality: ***
Seattle vs Buffalo VIA TORONTO:
Well I guess with no Maple Leaf games going on they’ll let anyone play in Toronto these days eh? The only team who is more “virtually Canadian” then the Bills would be the Seahawks…..I could use “dopey woman football logic here”…Seattle is like Vancouver and Buffalo is like Toronto and the Canucks are better then the Leafs after all!! But it also doesn’t hurt to have the Seattle defense, the Marshawn Lynch homecoming and just a better team over all too….plus it’s fun to see Bills fans cry in their snobby breakfasts and watch another season wither away to mediocre…..
Game Quality: ** (Skittles’ Revenge!)
Carolina at San Diego:
Ugh, I had to put this game off till last….I have NO IDEA what to make of these two teams….how the HELL did the Chargers slap around the Steelers last week? Was it a fluke? Rejoicing that Norv and AJ are out the door? Is Pittsburgh really THAT bad on offense now? Time will tell….I have to admit I feel a bit better about the Carolina win against the Falcons then I do the Steeler win, the Panthers are starting to look a bit like last year again and Cam is becoming CAMMMMMM again here….and they still have an outside chance to better their 6-10 record last year also (at SD, Oakland and the Saints, 6-10 is reasonable…7-9 is possible)….yeah the more I think about it, the more I like Carolina here….
Game Quality: ** ½
Detroit at Arizona:
It’s amazing how two teams that have combined for less wins then say the Denver Broncos can talk so much sh!t during the week….Patrick Peterson rambling on about how Calvin-Tron is only the 2nd best WR in football, that’s ok dear Cardinal, your team’s in a freefall not seen since the Lions went 0-16 (frankly going from 4-0 to 4-12 would be a WORSE fall from grace if you ask me)….and despite a mere average game from Calvin last week he’s still closing in on that all time receiving yards in a season record….that too adds some appeal to this game (I’m all about stats and history after all, well aside of the worthless sacks record….)….and I’m curious to see the legal and not-so-legal shots the Detroit front four puts on “random Arizona QB x” in this one….
Game Quality: ** (as long as Calvin is chasing Jerry Rice his games matter to me)
Kansas City at Oakland:
Oh only imagine THIS was the Thursday Night game?? I’d be crying tears of joy in desperate anticipation of THIS EPIC BATTLE…oh my God, you can’t put two worse teams on the field at once….wait….sadly this year you could…but anyway…..I DARE you to make a case why either one of these teams should win a football game…ever…Matt Cassel….Carson Palmer….McFadden’s hurt…again…no defense, crap coaches….oh sweet Christ this is anti-football Utopia delivered on the mothership of all football fail goodness!! You know who wins this game?? I FRAKING DO BITCHES!!!!
Winner: ME!!!!! (but if you need a real winner, I’ll say the Chiefs, ok?)
Game Quality: THIS IS THE MOTHERSHIP OF ALL THINGS ANTI-FOOTBALL!
Pittsburgh at Dallas:
Talk about a game that screams “GOOD LUCK FIGURING ME OUT” right? I’m still baffled about the Steelers and San Diego (and I have so many better things to be baffled about on my 40th birthday), and I’m still stunned the Cowboys pulled that game out last week….I’m sure ol’Ben is not at 100% yet, and that awful O-Line of theirs only rivals the beat up Dallas front 7….a Dez Bryant broken finger…and a team that knows how to win the big games coming into Dallas to end a season once again….usually I’d say Dallas has NO chance in this game….which is probably why they’re gonna win it….should be fun to see me get all pissy and “fvck-off-ish” with the douchey overly entitled Steeler fan who can’t accept that the NFL’s purpose isn’t for the Steelers to go 16-0 and win every playoff game….ever….that should be a good watch on its own
Game Quality: ***
49ers at New England:
After seeing New England bitch slap the Texans last week it’s safe to say no defense is safe against a well balanced Pats team….but the 49ers can get a pass rush without selling out to the blitz which is the standard Tom Brady kryptonite after all….and the 49ers do have a better passing game in Vernon Davis and Crabtree with Randy Moss in a support role as well as Gore who’s as versatile as any back in football….but I think this is THAT game…that one game when Colin Kapernick is gonna have to make a play…THE play to win the game….and he won’t do it (the more I see of this kid the more I wish they had gone back to Alex Smith)…least it will be a better game then the Texans gave us on Monday…..
Game Quality: ****
Monday Dec. 10:
NY Jets at Titans:
Oh boy another sweet cluster of frak here…Neither one of these teams do anything really good….the only difference in the disappointment from Sanchez and Jake Locker is that Locker is younger and hasn’t sniffed a playoff game yet…I guess you can make a case for Chris Johnson and his ability to randomly put up big offensive numbers and maybe a prime time game motivates him (or this is the NFL’s payback for two awesome MNF games in a row)…the Jets have Braylon Edwards back….and it can only help since this team has combined for 24 points in its last two wins (oi), funny enough in the Titans last three losses they actually out-scored the Jets….weird….I’m just glad I got a playoff game on ice instead of this game….time for the ol’coin toss (which is all this game is anyway)
Game Quality: * ¾
NFL Power Rankings Week 13:
- New England….meet the new boss…..
- Denver….same as the old boss(es)
- Houston….sticks toe in deep end…..drowns soon after….
- Indianapolis….maybe too young and dumb to realize they’re over their heads?
- Baltimore…the Purple Haze might join Hendrix in the grave…..
- NY Giants…no one’s better in the big spot *sigh*
- Green Bay….getting healthy again…..
- Atlanta….looking in same old playoff mode…..
- 49ers….I’m not sure they got the right QB now…..
- Seattle…running up the score can be fun!