THE NFL IS BACK!!! Yay!! (Though I am sad that it means the end of the Summer of Hockey, but even my crazy body needs SOME rest from 3-5 games a week, and what better way to regroup right??) the beloved football Sunday has returned….but it also means the annoying and intolerable Thursday Night Football is back (this is so terrible for the NFL in too many ways to rant about here….besides…this is a happy time….well unless you’re going to games, and trying to smuggle anything bigger then a hand grenade….cause you know, God Forbid you bring a snack or a water….or if you’re female and you need to bring in feminine hygene products and you don’t want the world seeing it….the NFL GESTAPO MUST SEE EVERYTHING IN YOUR BAGS….and if you believe this is for “your safety” ….stop reading now….you’re stupid and I hate stupid people….this is a pure greedy grab to make you pay $10 for a slice of their sh!tty pizza inside the stadium….all the more reason to stay at the bar where football should be watched…)….. crap if I don’t stop this now I’ll end up ranting into week 2 ….WELCOME BACK ANTI-FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday Sept 5:
Baltimore at Denver:
You know it’s amazing….we’ll move the season opener back to Wednesday because Obama wants to chat and talk down to the world last year….but we won’t move this game to a Friday because of a basebore conflict??? CMONN NFL (just another reason for me to embrace the hate on Thursday Night games….)…. Anyway, this is an interesting one….Super Bowl Champs on the road and against a massively overrated Denver team (hell NFL Network just ranked them #2?!?! Why because Manning has a new receiver to throw it?? God the media is dumb…)…it’s the first game of the week and I’m already rambling (and my crack of ten AM job is already calling me at 8:25 geesh)…maybe we can turn half the lights out in the stadium as some kinda bizarre Ray Lewis tribute, eh?
*re-focus pause* ….. Champ Bailey is out…and the best player on the Bronco defense is now basking in the Purple Haze….the Broncos still have NO idea who the RB is (sounds like Shanahan is back coaching this team)….and the Ravens might be the most under the radar defending Super Bowl Champ in the league’s history….not to mention the Ravens have all their players and the better team….maybe playing this game on the road was good for them too….hell they put a massive pic of Joe Flacco on the damn stadium to make them feel at home….the match-up and the players all point to the champs walking out 1-0 in a game that should be pretty interesting once we get through all the bullsh!t and sportz entertainmentz (remember, you can’t sneak a soda in the stadium, but they can sneak a who gives a fvck concert into your football game after all…. )
Game Quality: *** (But you know, nowhere near as exciting as say an Oriole game)
Sunday Sept. 8:
Patriots at Buffalo:
This is actually a VERY interesting game too….who the hell will Brady throw to? How many receptions will Amendola get before he shatters to a billion-jillion pieces? Can the Patriots make a stop or two on defense? And with the Bills too….is their defense better? (Can’t be worse than last year)…not to mention is EJ Manuel really not only 100%, but did he get enough reps to be truly ready to start the NFL season (I’d love to say playing a Belichek defense is a challenge too….but that’s been more myth and legend then actual legit defense for a long long time….), both of these will run the ball and the other team shouldn’t be too good at stopping it….QB aside, I do think the Bills are a better team, and I’m just not confident in Brady’s weapons at this point (nor should I be), plus I admit I’ve always been a bit Buffalo biased….the Bills shoulda picked up ol’Timmy Tebow just to channel their inner Lawyer Malloy like the last time they pounded the Pats in the opening week….but a lil gusto here with your Sunday Morning Croissants!
Winner: Bills (BILL-IEVE!!)
Game Quality: *** (I WILL be watching)
Cincinnati at Chicago :
Damn another fascinating game here….one of the most sacked QBs in the league goes up against one of the best (and underrated) sack teams in the NFL….this could get ugly fast for Jay Cutler….better channel those inner dump-offs and checkdowns all over the place…actually aside of the leaky sieve o-line these teams are a lot alike in personnel and play-style…ah hell I’m just looking forward to seeing another Jay Cutler beatdown, who am I kidding?? My surprise pick in the AFC gets to stick a flag in the ground this week and get out of the gate strong!!
Game Quality: *** (solid, but not sexy game but worth a look)
Miami at Cleveland:
Another intriguing game with two teams expected to be on the up this year….both teams had big upgrades and made a lot of summer noise with player moves and coaches….but playoff appearances aren’t handed out in July folks….time to get out there and earn them….can the Dolphins block and protect enough to hold off an under the radar defense in the Dawg Pound? Is Joss Weeden gonna avenge last season (ugh, awful pun…my bad!)….can Trent Richardson stay healthy and be the Emmitt Smith 2013 that Norv loves to have? Can the Browns make plays without Josh Gordon? Good God I did my previews too close to the regular season…I feel like I’m saying the same crap over and over again (or I’m just not angry at either team here, and I write and play ice hockey best when I’m angry….the chick on the bench wearing my jersey will vouch for that )…I’ll go with the team I feel stronger about *scratches head*…..woof!
Game Quality: *** (I WILL be watching this)
Vikings at Lions:
Ah, this should fire up a lil anger….Jim Schwartz! The Lions will be fun to watch this year…. Reggie Bush does fit in their “no-handoff offense” pretty good…well until he shatters and breaks down too….and the Vikings have AP and an anti-Quarterback….no wonder Greg Jennings can’t stop talking about the Packers, you go from five years of eating steak, and then have to eat McBurgers, you’d be PIST too…the Vikings are changing the guard on defense a bit, which means the Lions are gonna be able to throw on them….but the Lions are pretty used to throw lots and losing lots in the process, I think this is gonna be my pattern for week one pickings (this is the hardest week of the year to pick games too)…go with the team I feel better about (and more vested in since I’m stacked with backs in my money league)
Winner: Vikings (run AP, RUNNN!!!)
Game Quality: **
Raiders at Colts:
And we have our first ass-kicking to preview….why is this game not at 4pm?? Damn you NFL and your idiot scheduling ways….two games at 4 sucks!!! Not as bad as the Raiders suck….but still kinda bad…the piss-poor O-Line is down to a #3 left tackle….no wonder the last player ever picked by Al Davis is the QB… play call “Run for your life to the RIGHT Terrell ….on two….break!” this game should be a fun comedy of errors and a nice training camp game that counts for the Colts….I won’t even go with them getting “Luck-y” with this break in the schedule…..let the beating commence!
Game Quality: DUD (but could get amusing if sh!t gets ugly!)
Falcons at Saints:
This should be a fun game too (again, PLAY THIS AT FOUR DOUCHEBAGS!!)…two teams with lots of offense and expectations, passing yards flying all over the place and neither one of them really being worth a damn on defense….and oh yeah, they hate each other too….that’s a mix for a helluva football game, and a football game the Saints have been waiting 18 months for….the Bounty witch-hunt is FINALLY in the past….Sean Peyton is back and things are finally back to normal with the Saints….and I like that coach and QB combo way better then Mike Smith (though Matt Ryan should have a big year with all those weapons, he’s no Drew Brees)…take the over here kids!!!
Game Quality: *** ½
Tampa Bay at Jets:
It’s not sad that this is the anti-football special….it’s more sad that I almost have to watch Greg Schiano and the Jets because I love me a good train wreck….. Darelle Revis is giving his fellow corners on how to intercept Jet QBs….really?? I think teams have figured that one out all on their own ….as much as I am sour on Tampa and their QB and all that nonsense and bush league middle of the pack college football tactics…still it’s less of a circus and a disaster then the Jets are….I think this is the longest I’ve gone for a team that has Brady Quinn on the roster without me bashing him….geesh, I’d love to pick on the Jets some as well….but man they’re just a disaster….
Winner: Tampa Bay
Game Quality: This is as Anti-Football as it gets this week!
Titans at Steelers:
Speaking of another train wreck game…and just in time….as I was driving to work this morning, all I heard was a bunch of dopey entitled Steelers fans OUTRAGED that the hosts picked the Steelers to be a “mere” 8-8 (imagine if they saw my preview…)….and all it did was piss me off more….how blinded to the reality of how BAD your team is and better the rest of your division is?? I guess it comes with the Horrible Hankies….I should talk some about this game, but if the Titans don’t hand the ball off every play and Johnson and Green combine for 250 yards in this game, they got no chance….you know Jake Locker sucks when Christian Ponder randomly sits down to see a Titans game and goes “damn this guy can’t play”….the Steelers delusion should be at a Super Bowl-level by next week……
Game Quality: DUD
Seattle at Carolina:
*sigh* ANOTHER goddamn game that should be at 4pm (it’s amazing how the NFL is so damn successful despite it’s own arrogance and stupidity isn’t it??) Carolina is going to be a pain in the ass team this year as long as they can get the running game going, they won’t be an easy team to beat up and run all over….and Seattle is still “unproven” (you know the nice word for bad and maybe a lil sucky)….but this is Seattle’s year to me, and they did a lot of good things, especially on the road last year….if they’re gonna make that step all the way to the top this is the kinda team they need to beat in their building….Carolina will put up a fight…hell they might even have the lead in the 4th, but in the end Seattle is just more betterer then they are (it’s bad that I’m sticking bad grammar references just to tweak my GF throughout this stuff…heh)
Game Quality: *** (Carolina intrigues me here)
Kansas City at Jacksonville:
Another one of those 1pm ass-kickings I kinda wish I could see, but I know there’s no chance in the WORLD I’m getting time for this in a packed 1pm slate aside of the NFL Red Zone Channel (the only reason I still own a Slingbox too FYI)….the Chiefs are going to be worlds better this year….and the Jaguars are still playing Gabbert (if there was ever a reason that Tim Tebow should rage about being in the NFL its that this fool still is….)….this will be another beatdown and not worth much more then padding some fantasy stats and laughing at how awful the Jags are….move along people…..
Game Quality: DUD (NO ONE makes Jacksonville interesting )
Arizona at St Louis:
Hooray! An interesting game that maybe only will have interest in at 4pm!! The Cardinals tried to improve their O-Line but injuries did hit again, their running game is iffy at best….and Carson Palmer…he’s merely the king of the 300 yard passing game in garbage time (great for those fellow fantasy football folks out there)….but the Rams look to be muchly improved this year….a lil older, a bit more experienced but not only year 2 in Jeff Fisher’s system, but Sam Bradford gets the same OC two years in a row….yes there are questions in their running game and with their weapons with Amendola now on the New England injury report and not theirs….but in are the highly coveted rookie Tavon Austin and Chris McCabe Madden HoF TE in Jared Cook….not to mention their first round pick laden defense of talent all over the place….the Cardinals won’t start the year 4-0 this time and the Rams will just siege Carson Palmer (he may even wish he was a Raider again….naaaahhhh)….and I am fascinated to see how these teams looking from the starting line of the lil 17 week race we have in the NFL…..
Winner: St Louis
Game Quality: ** (Palmer should at least survive this week….maybe)
Packers at 49ers:
Ah, the “marquis” game…..the reason we stack the schedule at 1:00, all the big names, all the hype…blah blah blah….both teams have what the others wishes for….the 49ers dream of the Packer receivers…while if Green Bay had the 49er O-Line or running game they’d never lose (and maybe a few of those linebackers too)…for all the hype involving this one….well it will be fun game, but this is hardly Clash of the Titans (screw you I LIKED those two movies…way better than the original….)….but it is the FOX ratings grab of the week game….so it is…I just like the Niner offense and running game on that Green Bay Defense….and the Niner D against a still not “more betterer” Packer O-Line
Game Quality: ****
NY Giants at Dallas:
Oh dear…. I’ve been dreading this one for about…. 5 months now….well maybe less, I can’t remember when Jamie told me she was a Giants fan and I looked at the week one schedule and went AW sh!t…but hey, any good relationship needs its proper tests, right?? And what better one is there then me in Cowboy meltdown mode in week 1?? (plus she’s been egging me on about this ever since I showed her the screen cap of me beating the Giants 77-0 in Madden….so I guess I’m asking for this…), the Giants do come into this game as a mess though…beat up O-Line, the big names on the D-Line are hurting….Cruz is hurt…the backfield is thin….this has Cowboys disaster written all over it….or WORSE…this has the Cowboys come out strong and the new offensive and defensive coaches give you a hope that this immensely talented team FINALLY gets their sh!t together and looks like a big time team with the Giants looking ripe for the picking….these games are always high scoring shootouts…and *ulp* the Cowboys are due to FINALLY win a game against them in Jerry-World…all I really want to see Sunday Night is Demarco Murray get 25 carries for 110 and a TD, and the rest fall into place (Maybe Mr Ware getting a key sack in the 4th Quarter would be nice…but it’s miracle enough I found a woman not only willing…but WANTING to sit through this with me and how I am…)….just don’t blow up in the 4th goddamn quarter so I can be civil AFTER the game…thank you!!!!
Winner: Dallas (*ugh*)
Game Quality: ***** (meltdowns, head explosions, bickering, this one has it ALL!)
Monday Sept 9:
Eagles at Redskins:
Hey lookie!! *shakes his surgery-repaired knee* I’m back kids!!!! RG 3 is all raring to go…and is there a better cupcake opponent in the NFC to tune up against?? No I said NFC people ….the Eagles are horrid on defense and switching from the 4-3 to the 3-4 and setting their offense off the field in record time with the no huddle 3 and Out offensive scheme….I mean the Eagles have talent (well when Riley Cooper isn’t starting fights in practice….wonder if he said “beat ya on that one BOY” and things got ugly….) at least on offense….even with a horribly inaccurate QB at the helm…well he’s no Tim Tebow….but this game should escalate quickly when the Eagles make mistakes and can’t keep pace with the Redskins (which will give the protesters more time to whine about THAT “offensive” name too….*sigh* maybe we can trade Cooper to the Skins and let all the idiot finger pointers only have to stalk one team??? The Redskins roll easy, and Gruden talks about Griffin like he’s doing play by play on a porno by the 2nd quarter…..
Game Quality: * ½ (it loses a point for the expected ESPN Jacking off to RG 3)
Houston at San Diego:
Far be it for the East Coast to hoard all the Monday Night one-sided ass kickings right?? The Chargers got no healthy WR’s they can’t block for Rivers and they’re making him look like he’s washed up….and this is BEFORE JJ Watt jumped into town blocking passes and making defense cool again….the SD defense isn’t much better and I can’t give any kind of good reason that this game will be close….maybe Ryan Matthews keeps his pre-season mojo going….but that’s not enough….this one is a beatdown….
Game Quality: DUD (a good night for a late hockey game eh?)
(No power rankings this week...I wanna see what the teams do ON the field before I judge them)