The theme of this week has clearly been the dreaded “non-football injuries”…man I gotta have a lot of fun with this…. Driving drunk to work (seriously how much of a damned mess do you need to be to be still under the influence on the way to an NFL football practice??)….head trauma on the Bang Bus for Jacoby Jones (not exactly the Dancing with the Starters that the NFL Network fell in love with him for)….and how can I forget the PIZZA SLICE OF DOOM that wiped out Nate Burleson right?? 29-19 on picks for the season…I’ve recovered nice from a crappy week 1….and I apparently can eat in the car better than half the NFL….what else can I ask for?? Well I can ask for the bye weeks to not start now…least I don’t have any relevant Packers or Panthers to worry about…..
Thursday Sept 17:
49ers at Rams:
Again, this sucks that this game is Thursday…. Vernon Davis and Patrick Willis are still beat up, both teams looked AWFUL last week (I guess it makes it easier to put a crappy effort behind them that way, with no time to sulk…) ….quite frankly the whole 49er defense looked….and played….drunk last week, no edge, no fire and they got pushed around by the Colts….talk about total shock….and I won’t even get into that disgrace the Niners call an “offense” and just realize I’ve resorted to calling their QB “Eat a Dick” since that’s all he does with the damn football….the Rams didn’t have it too glorious last week either….Dallas beat them up and mowed them on both sides of the ball…. 6 sacks, 200 yards rushing….just a total in and out domination….it does make it hard to judge this game….these two teams are kinda even right now…at least Jim Harbaugh tantrums are fun to watch TV….and maybe Mr Eat a Dick should stop making commercials and start playing football again…. *sigh* wish I had listened to myself when I saw him on the draft board….ah well…this isn’t a fantasy football preview….the Rams played the Niners tough last year when they were GOOD….don’t worry Kap, your Dolphins are still looking good….to hell with the team that pays you right?? J
Game Quality: ** ½ (this game SHOULD be better, but it’s TNF syndrome)
Sunday Sept 29:
Baltimore at Buffalo:
Oh BOY…..bring the Bang Bus to Buffalo….it’s a classic Manta vs Sanborn showdown!! All we need is a steel cage!!!! Sadly though I think I had my punch out moment on the Bills last week….the Jets commit 20 penalties, look on the ropes, you tie the game without CJ Spiller, and then you let the Jets make ONE PLAY and the lead you worked and clawed to chop away at…right….down…the pisser…..the Ravens however, instead of a party bus, should just pay $3 million a week to Ray Lewis to have him just stand on the sideline and yell at people….it seems to work eh?? They cracked and smashed the Texans who folded like soft tissue, and they’ve left the Denver disaster way way back in the rear view mirror….just look out for the Ace of Spades champagne bottles, they seem to cause more head trauma then Owen Hart smacking the turnbuckles!
…all shtick and NJDevs-related drama aside (if only Manta and Sanborn were in the same room….oh boy….)……I got no faith in the Bills now….watch them win just to suck me back in….
Game Quality: ** (no post-games on the Party Bus here….)
Bengals at Browns:
The SUPER-DUPER-ULTRA-RED HOT BROWNS WITH THEIR ONE WIN IN A ROW OF UNDEFEATED RAGE come back home looking like conquering heroes (or that Jet fan in the Direct TV commercials)…but they face a much more betterer test this week with the Bengals who escaped last week on one of the most demoralizing fumble-6 plays I can ever remember seeing….the Browns are annoyingly uncommittal on who the hell the QB will be this week (let’s see…. 0-2 Weeden 516 yds 1 TD 3 int, and 1-0 Hoyer 321 yds 3 TD 3 int…this should be a no-brainer….but we don’t often associate brains with Cleveland…you know the place that even screwed up the Rock N Roll HoF)…. Oops…they just announced that Weeden is still out sticking that broken thumb up his ass….hell the Browns even got their KICKER hurt…that’s sad….least the defense is getting better….and I’ve been waiting to say this… LOOK OUT BEATCHES….HERE ….COMES….MINGO!!!! ok, it’s done and over with now! And that’s enough of the Browns cause they ain’t winning here anyway….the Bengals are too good…it might be a close one….and I hope Laflamme takes him in the survivor pool so we can get three blocked FG’s in overtime again just to be more amazing!
Game Quality: ** ½
Bears at Detroit:
And just when you want to give the Lions credit for being better and doing well at 2-1, the immaturity and stupid shows up again….how in the HELL do you smash up your car dropping a slice of pizza?? Is the pizza that good?? Where was it? I may have to road trip to this place to judge on my own…can’t you wait till you get home? sh!t you’re a well paid receiver….get that stuff delivered yo! Anyway….now the Lions need to pick up the pieces….and the pizza….and move on without Nate Burleson (PLAY KRIS DURHAM!) …I guess what annoys me so much about all this is how the Lions are reacting to it, Schwartz shows himself to be a fool again with the “well I eat in the car all the time”….him crashing his car into a pole would make the Lions infinitely better…while the Bears on the other hand….drama-free, quiet….getting the job done…well coached and every aspect of this team is playing well (aside of an idiotic running into the punter thing)…hell they’re even protecting Jay Cutler…maybe the most unheralded 3-0 team in the league now…make that 4-0 as they’ll find a way to keep Detroit at bay…even with Reggie Bush making his comeback this week….
Game Quality: ***
NY Giants at Chiefs:
This won’t be a pretty game me thinks….the Giants are just a MESS and they looked like they punched out on the season last week vs the Panthers (yes honey…the Panthers…you can stop being so shocked now by this…as funny as the reaction was and is…you do need to get back up to speed with the rest of the league still I know…good thing I don’t like to use salt…I’d have so much to pour on THIS wound *grins*)…you’re starting to hear comments in the media on the division on this team and even Coughlin looks like he’s about done on the sidelines…. *sigh* all the pieces are being put into place for a late-season rally with this team…just not this week…the Chiefs are just playing awesome on defense and this Giant O-Line isn’t going to slow them down…and Jamaal Charles is looking like an MVP candidate at this point of the season (this has nothing to do with him being on 2 of my 3 fantasy teams, this dude is amazing right now)….Arrowhead is one of the toughest stadiums in the league to play in….and I don’t think the Giants are down and out enough yet to really circle the wagons ….that’s next week vs the Eagles….
Game Quality: ** (points for EL-i-n-t and Giant fan bar meltdowns!)
Steelers vs Vikings at England:
Two teams SO BAD, they had to ship this game outta the country!!! Cheer-io!!! Christian Ponder has injured ribs…and Vikings fans hope he gets detained in customs…the Matt Cassell movement is growing…and even better…they’re playing the Steelers who even with their desperate push to try to come back on the Bears came up short…maybe Big Ben can hire some rugby players to block for him while he’s out there making the awful Big Ben at Big Ben jokes…this game is a fried, steamy, well cooked pile of smoky ass, but it does have Adrian Peterson and some good pass rush from the Vikings….it’s damn near a coin toss….and the Vikings are getting 24 points a game….yeah that’s enough to wave my flag on that (and it would be nice to have an AP performance to fix my money league team….dammit…)
Game Quality: International Anti-Football?? Yeah I’m in!!!
Tampa Bay at Arizona:
HELLLOOOO MIKE GLENNON!!! The first act of desperation begins out of Schiano as he probably feels the seat getting warmer for him….and yeah Freeman has stunk this year and Arizona is a winnable game (not like Tampa doesn’t have weapons either)…and boy did Arizona get the hell beat out of them thanks to the Saints defense just unloading on them….made them look like last year’s Cardinals…ugh, this is a puzzling game to figure out….what the hell can we expect from Glennon?? Damned if I know, he does have weapons and a defense…just a buffoon for a coach….and I’d like to think Arizona has some pride and wants to erase last week’s game (2-2 also keeps you in the cluster of mess known as the NFC right now, since only 5 teams in the NFC are 2-1 or 3-0)…and I just can’t trust or assume victory for any Schiano-run team…. CMON CARSON!!!
Game Quality: * ¾ (I do have to keep an eye on Glennon though)
Colts at Jaguars:
The Colts after whipping up the overrated 49ers travel to PARTS UNKNOWN!!! But Scott, the Jaguars play in Jacksonville….what are you talking about?? Well you know how teams get $3 million a year to advertise their name on the stadium?? The city of Jacksonville I hear is gonna offer them $4 million a year to NOT associate with the city!!
The Colts had a serious “put them on the map” win in San Fran last week beating down the 49ers and out-physical-ing them, and made them all look like Aldon Smith, drunk and ready to go away for a while….as for the Jaguars….all I’m gonna say, when you actually get in the end zone at 38-10 against the Seahawks, the opponent and the fans are bored to tears already…you DO NOT taunt the crowd and tell them shoosh….they were quiet and bored watching your Junior Varsity HS team effort after paying $150 + PSL fees to see that mess!! Yes this is classic “trap game” with the good team going on the road to play the crap team..but it’s Blaine Gabbert…yeah….not gonna happen…..
Game Quality: DUD
Seattle at Houston:
If Houston had won last week this would be a fascinating game, but it’s hard to take the Texans seriously (and I don’t anyway with Kubiak and Schuab there) after laying such an egg like they did last week to the Ravens and now have a better and nastier defense coming to town…not to mention a vastly superior offense….and the fact that the Seahawks had a playing bye week with Parts Unknown lying down and taking the five moves of DOOM like all good WWF jobbers do…the Texans have to get back to running the ball….but this isn’t the week to do it….I just can’t see a way the Texans can beat them….no way…no sit…no how….there is alotta talent on the field….just gotta hope that the Texicans bring their A-Game to this one…..
Game Quality: *** (I just hope they put a fight up that’s all)
NY Jets at Tennessee:
This one won’t awe you with offensive displays of amazing (well there is always the threat of Chris Johnson going 94 yards again…) Shonn Greene is still out…so there goes the silly “revenge game” idea…both teams are in the top 7 of total defense (and more important in top 10 of points allowed) …both have exactly 401 yards rushing….the biggest difference in these two teams…..turnovers….the Titans have yet to turn the ball over at all (that’s amazing after 3 games and are a +5 in turnover differentials), and the Jets have only taken it away twice (-6)…that kinda sloppy play and turning the ball over 2.5 times a game when the other team just doesn’t….that’s a huge difference….and it’s in Tennessee….that’s a factor too….this could be another 17-14 kinda ugliness type of game, but looking at these offenses….that’s damn near expected here….
Game Quality: ** ¾ (‘tis a mirror match…)
Phily at Denver:
This seems to be a recurring theme here…..the Broncos face a team that can’t keep up with their offense …they score a butt-ton of points and the opponent does all they can to stay with them and it’s just an ugly slaughter…..now enter a team that obviously doesn’t get paid by the minute (Phily’s had the ball for 20 minutes or less in the last two games…and hell they didn’t have a drive over 5 minutes last game at ALL)….so this minuteman offense is gonna dart off the field in warp speed and hand the ball on a silver platter to Mr. Regular Season and say good luck…have fun!!! In fact in honor of the Eagles offense….I’m gonna type this up in one minutes or less….D E N V E R W I N S!
Game Quality: DUD
Washington at Oakland:
Oh boy….this could be epic…. RG 0and3 against Matt Flynn, that’s a special kinda anti-football there isn’t it?? I’m going on the assumption that Pryor isn’t gonna play (and he owes the Broncos a thank you card for knocking any memory of that game out of his head, even if it was via concussion…)…it’s gonna be the unmovable offense vs the stop-no one defense….boy this could be a special once in a lifetime kinda anti-football this Sunday!!!....I’m picking the Redskins a lot this year, and they’ve done a heck of a job making me look stupid (not like I need help there)….but I also just can’t possibly expect the Raiders to win anything this year….not even the first pick in the draft….that goes to Parts UNKNOWN…..anyway…guess next week I’m calling him RF 1and3 eh?
Game Quality: ** (points for anti-football amusement!)
Dallas at San Diego:
This is usually a fun game for me…I’m a BIG Phillip Rivers supporter (I shoulda drafted the guy, but that’s another tangent….) 70% completion, 8TD, 1 int….that’s a helluva start for the guy who lost the “QB and offense guru” in Norv Turner (who’s not really getting it done with Mr Weeden now is he?)…a running game that has all 3 backs contributing….but this team seems to find ways to lose each week….the defense is young and not fully there yet….and of course the Manre Te’O circus has to debut this week… the Cowboys are playing smart, solid, steady and balanced football too, the new coordinators under Jason Garrett must be doing their job well…..simply put, if the evil ginger is doing a good job that means the bombs and the T-100’s are coming and since we don’t want THAT, we’ll credit his assistants and leave the signs of the apocalypse alone, ok?? The Cowboy defense has been awesome this year, and if they can keep reminding Dumbo that handoffs are encouraged and Demarco Murray stays healthy, the Cowboys are a legit team in the NFC (that might be a sign of the bombs coming too)…plus Dallas is the better team right now….always a dangerous reason to pick the Cowboys….I’m just glad this is at 4pm so I can properly enjoy it!
Game Quality: ***
Patriots at Atlanta:
If you’ve not been paying attention to the NFL this year, and you saw 3-0 Pats and 1-2 Falcons….you’d expect this to be yet another game that the Patriots rolled….but this is not the case….yes Atlanta has a bunch of injuries (Jackson is out, White and Jones are not practicing, the Left Tackle is out…the defense is a mess)….but Matt Ryan is still playing awesome football this year and all those receivers will be playing Sunday Night….and this is one of those “gotta win” games (not a must win this early in the season, but you gotta win it if you want to stay in the mix)…yeah the Pats are probably getting Gronk back and that might actually make this offense credible, which sucks since those Tom Brady sulking sessions were so damned fun to watch when he and his receivers kept missing during that GawdAwful Jets game…plus this is the first game this season that the Patriots are playing against a legit QB….looks like it’s the week to expose the Pats defense as well…gotta go with the desperate team here
Game Quality: ** ¾ (Brady tantrums on national TV add quality points!)
Monday Sept 23:
Miami at New Orleans:
The Saints have averaged 35+ points per game at home in their last 18 home games….that’s a scary number to line up against….and the Dolphins are out their best pass rusher with Wake likely out….and the Saints just being that damn good on offense …..and a defense ranked in the top 5 in yards and points allowed (that’s kinda scary)…that’s a LOT of ways to beat a team (and no wonder they’re 3-0 with no running game to even speak of)….in many ways the Dolphins are a similar team, just a bit better on defense….but nowhere close on offense….the who dat’s should just be able to out-score and blow them away in a fun Monday Night game!
Game Quality: **** (there be offense here!)
Week 1 Power Rankings:
1. Denver…I got nothing….
2. Chiefs…clicking…breaking backs, Jamaal Charles for MVP?
3. Miami…but the big test is Monday Night….
4. Cincinnati….gutty comeback (and a lil luck) after blowing a big lead
5. New England…the schedule is about to expose them….
1. Seattle….they let Jacksonville score, I should demote them!
2. Chicago…Looking like a complete team and legit contender
3. New Orleans….still rolling….
4. Dallas….past failures have people looking past them…..
5. Detroit…they need a pizza delivery sponsor pronto!
Edited by CRASHER, 26 September 2013 - 07:20 AM.