OH MY GOD IT’S HERE!!!!! Merry Christmas to all!!! (no this has nothing to do with me having a December birthday, and anyway Jesus cheats, cause he has a re-birth day called Easter anyway … and my birthday parties tend to be more epic anyway)…..it’s NFL WEEK ONE… the Sunday we’ve been waiting for since the Saints picked up the Super Bowl Trophy and all was right in the world…. Lots of good games and some delicious train-wrecks to covet over…. I said enough last week let’s get to making it COUNT!!!!
Thursday Sept. 9:
Vikings at Saints:
Funny how things change in a few months… back in January these were two stacked teams that gave us a BUH GAWD four-star slobberknocker in the NFC title game (and we saw Brett Favre bump and get smashed like he was behind the Bills line!! God that was WONDERFUL!!!)… but now we fast forward to September… the Saints come as they were last year (well minus Darren Sharper, and he’s as important to the Saint defense as ANYONE in the league… think Bob Sanders in his relevant years)… and the Vikings have issues everywhere… thinner at RB, WR problems, and a sweet bitter pill from last January’s beatdown….and just looking at these teams and where they seem to be going this year, there seems to be no reason history won’t repeat itself (will Favre be ok with his receivers?? Well you know he won’t man up and hand off 30 times and even if he did, who spots Adrian Peterson…. That Toby Keith guy?? I don’t think so!) Not to mention Reggie Bush will be running more free and lighter without the weight of that damned Heisman weighing him down!!!
Game Quality: ***
Sunday Sept. 12:
Miami at Buffalo:
No wonder Brian picked this weekend to go get married and not have to watch this one (not to mention the 9-11 discount on the wedding hall right?? )… Miami looks to have high hopes (and hopefully I’m right on them being the best team in the AFC East, I think they are the most complete one)… and Buffalo… is still…. Buffalo… and um… yeah, the D is nice… Spiller will make the pretty plays… kinda like that girl in the nice dress who has good legs… and WHAM… she turns around… and it’s Trent Edwards face!!! And believe me… not even the most devout of Bills fan (and God Bless your pain tolerance each and every one of you!!)… even they don’t wanna wake up to THAT!!! The Bills will try, but still be the Bills….
Game Quality: **
Atlanta at Pittsburgh:
This is an interesting game all over the place…the Steelers wisely chose Denis Dixon (which made me wipe out my whole rant on the Steelers choosing to spank out a Batch instead ) to be the QB this week with Big Ben serving his time out from the league… the Steelers still got problems all over the place though, especially on that offensive line, and who the hell is gonna catch the football besides Heinz Ward…as for Atlanta they do come in at full-strength… Matt Ryan’s been iffy in the pre-season (and if you know anything about me and my pre-season views I take the first team looking bad as something that carries over…), Atlanta does have Michael Turner (and a healthy one), and that’s a big factor…. The Steelers leaky O-Line is only matched by the soft Falcon front four, which actually makes this game kinda even…. This is one of the true toss-up games this week, and I’m a bit torn on who’s gonna win this one…. So when in doubt, so the proven home team!!!
Game Quality: ***
Denver at Jacksonville:
These are the games you try to avoid… too “good” to be anti-football… not good enough to be must see football either….I’m not impressed or too into either one of these teams (which sucks because we know how into Kyle Orton I am, but Josh “Look REALLY I can be Bill Belichick too” McDaniels really has a way of pissing off and screwing up talented offensive players (PS, the Dolphins thank you too)….. and on the other side… I do like Jack Del Rio, but aside of M J-D, this is the blandest team on the planet (sh!t if they were any blander they’d be team Mormon!)…. Denver can still run and play defense and Orton >>>> David Garrard… but let’s be honest you’d only watch this one if you were forced to or it was on at 4pm…. This one gets rightfully buried in the overloaded 1pm schedule
Game Quality: DUD
Colts at Texans:
Best game at 1pm much?? You know it! This game should have the offense flying in all directions from it… no team can throw it up like these guys can… and now with Arian Foster on the Texicans… they have some balance too…. But is it enough to beat the Colts?? Probably… but will they??? NOPE… Sorry, Gary Kubiak is still the coach… and don’t believe me that he has a hard-on for the long field goal??? Here comes Neil Rackers… mister long FG himself… and that mentality and not taking shots at the end of the half ... or in the 4th quarter is gonna bite this team in the ass… and like I keep saying… NO TEAM knows the regular season like the Colts… so until proven otherwise this game is a broken record… one fun as hell to watch and fantasy players up the wazoo… but still… same old result….
Game Quality: ****
Cleveland at Tampa Bay:
Oh Anti-Football, GOD WE MISSED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! This kinda game still brings a tear to my football loving eyes!!! Jerome Harrison is seriously the best freaking football player on the field in this game… oh my Lord!!!! This is the abyss of awful meets the pit of pathetic!!! THIS GAME IS ON MY TV TO THE LEFT OF ME OR I AM SWINGING MY GOALIE STICK TILL IT HURTS!!! Oh baby!!! Bring on this joy of football… wait… I need to pick a winner?? Are you sh!tting me??? HOW??? *sigh*, well I guess… ummm… I sorta have a warm spot for the Browns… umm… yeah… sure… that’ll do it!!!!
Game Quality: Are you kidding?? This is an anti-football orgasm!!!!
Oakland at Tennessee:
Hey this is the YEAR for Heyward-Bay… this is the year he has double-digit catches… FOR THE SEASON!! He’s the break out offensive star on the Raiders… gotta love the idea of one-catch-a-week consistency (somewhere Mike Crabtreee is laughing along at this!)… anyway… I do think the Raiders are better… and if they can make life tough on Chris Johnson (and that D is good enough to do so)… but yeah I don’t think it’s gonna happen this week… the Titans rolled through the 2nd half of the year next year (and if only we had two more wonderful football Sundays, they make the playoffs)… though I do think it’s amusing there are trade talks of bringing Haynesworth back home where he’d be an all-pro again and free of all the Redskin damage done to him… that doesn’t matter this week… they don’t need him anyway… it will be a close game… might even be fun…but Vince Young does what he does… WINS!!
Game Quality: **
Lions at Bears:
This game is damn near close to our sweet wonderful anti-football too!! The bears D is beat up to hell already (must be all the 3 n outs from the Cutler anti-offense), the running game is meh… and I really have a good feeling about the Lions this year… and could you imagine?? Talk about a coming out party… the young n ready and better Lions come out and pop the Bears Week one??? This is the NFL for ya… hell the more I sit and type this ….. the more it’s starting to make sense to me… this is scary! I BELIEVE!!! I BELIEVE IN THE LIONS LIKE MIKE NEEDS TO BELIEVE IN JESUS!!!! The hell with it… I gotta do it now… DEATH TO MIKE MARTZ!!
Game Quality: ** (as long as the Lions do win I may elevate this situation!)
Carolina at Giants:
You know… I wanted to make a case for Carolina… they play the Giants tough often… they got a good running game…. I like Matt Moore and am rooting for him… but… umm… yeah… no… hell I’d even say I don’t think the Giants will be that good (though they are best when under the radar… not that you can fit ANYTHING over Rex Ryan’s sagging belly (hey what is it with the Ryan family name and sagging parts from the torso area?? Hrrrmmm) … *sigh*…anyhoooooo, the Carolina defense is BAD, the offense has been as absent as Chris Benoit’s name on WWE TV, and the Giants are at least a solid team with some things going right… this won’t be fun to watch, least one geographically confused NY team will open the stadium right this week….
Game Quality: DUD
Arizona at St. Louis:
Oh St. Louis… I kick you enough… well for now… we’ll save that for later in the year when I need more filler… not week 1…Sam Bradford … congrats you’re an NFL starting QB.. now DUCK!!! The sh!t’s gonna fly at you boy!!! Not that Arizona is any better mind you… ok, they are… they REALLY are… they made the right choice at QB, they have a good running game, a morphing into the Steeler-type defense and the best damn WR in football… that’s BEYOND plenty to kick St.Louis to the curb, and never answer any of the computer questions… again… EVER… noooo way!
Game Quality: DUD
Packers at Eagles:
This is the only game worth a damn watching at 4pm this week (SCREW YOU TENNIS!!... baseball can kiss my ass too….) we have one of the trendy picks in the NFC, A-Rod and the high-powered Packer offense (not to mention the turnover-happy defense) against Kevin Kolb and then “I never adjust to anything, hell you could give me a ten mile wedgie and I’d sit there with my underwear up my asss because the idea of adjusting does not compute to me”… yeah that’s Andy Reid… he’s gonna be as stubborn as ever that he can throw, throw, throw, and not use his two good backs in McCoy and Weaver, and just when you look at these teams… anything Phily can do, Green Bay does better… should be a nice fun shoot-out, I would think… though both defenses can rain the blitz too…bah I can’t make a case for the Eagles here… even at home… the animals will start clamoring for the Dog-Killer by the end of this one
Game Quality: ***
49ers at Seattle:
This is a bit of a pressure game for the 49ers… the world expects big things from them… and the more you look at Seattle they look like a lost franchise just jettisoning stuff for the sake of making a chance (cutting TJ Who’s yo Momma was just DUMB, no way around it)… the running game is a cluster fvck, the O-Line is worse… poor Matt Hasselbeck, I’d say trade him and let him win somewhere else but that would be to the Jets… and we can’t have that! When you have one team that looks like they got it all going for them and the other is a clusterfvck… yeah… it’s an easy pick and not much to watch here…..well except to see how Alex Smith handles himself….
Game Quality: *
Cowboys at Redskins:
(God I’ve been chomping at THIS one since the schedule was released!!)… despite the changed personal circumstances in this one… Jesus this is gonna be fun… Albert Haynesworth and that drama… McNabb being beat up already… Mike Shanahan looking as lost and out of touch as ever (Larry Johnson starting?? REALLY)…. God damn they make all the Dallas issues (and the O-line troubles) look like a group hug at Sunday Church! And yes Dallas looked bad in the pre-season too, but this IS the Redskins… and hell just look at them… this is a nice big coffee mug of “feel better” tonic!!! Whoever the Redskin QB is Sunday Night will be running for his life, and Dallas has too many weapons for this Redskin team… this game could be annoyingly close, but there’s no way the Redskins win this one… sorry about yo damn luck Dave!!! (besides he owes me some suffering for this summer thank you NOT )
Game Quality: **
Monday Sept. 13:
Ravens at Jets:
OH MY GOD, CANCEL THE SEASON NOW… WE ALL WATCHED HBO, THE JETS ARE UNSTOPPABLE AND WE SHOULDN’T EVEN BOTHER PLAYING THE SEASON (hell Rex Ryan makes me want to put back on all the weight I lost because it’s just too cool to be a walking offensive line, bring back the Butter Burgers!)… even ask Cromartie… he called them the “Miami Heat of football!!!” (really) ok, back to reality as I appeased the deluded Jet fans who think Nacho will be Tom Brady after wolfing down a few whattaburgers, Tomlinson will not only turn the clock back (but might actually PLAY in a playoff game…right)… and Shawn Greene is really as good as they made him in Madden…. And Training Camp??? Revis Island needs no training camp… right??? WRONG….lost in all this delusion… they’re playing a damn good team on the other side too (though has any team ever unleashed an arsenal of possession WRs on the caliber of Mason, TJ Who’s Yo Mama and Boldin??)… the Ravens will miss Ed Reed, but this is a week they can afford to not have him… the Raven D will pressure and confuse poor Nacho Libre, the run D will do what it always does… and the Ravens will put a big Rex Ryan-sized hole in the jets bandwagon (hell half of Sun Tavern might be back to Giant jerseys )… you know what the beauty IS of this game… it’s a no-lose game for me… the Jets lose… and all the jet fans turn into Joe Beningo… the Ravens lose and Manta is forever humbled… WIN WIN BABY!!!! Either way this will be the interesting game on Monday night!!
Game Quality: ***
Chargers at Chiefs:
It’s the annual Monday Night beatdown for the Chargers, and on top of that the way the league gets one of the crappy AFC West teams on National TV and over with!!! Though I think the Chiefs will be better, but they are so damn young and not ready yet… the Chargers are missing some key players due to contracts… but they still have superior talent all over the place and I expect the Chargers to struggle some and the Chiefs to improve with time and experience… just NOT HERE, I’m really interested to see how the young Chief players do perform here…..
Winner: San Diego
Game Quality: **
Pre-Season Power Rankings:
- Colts, it’s the regular season… and no one’s better at it….
- Baltimore, 18 ppg allowed in the pre-season, now time to do it without Ed Reed
- San Diego… the other lock for the playoffs in the AFC
- Miami…picked them to win the division… so why not??
- NY Jets… Rex Ryan threatened to sit on me when I dropped off paperwork in Florham Park… I admit… I like living, besides I’ll give anyone credit who can get HBO to worry about excessive language!!
- Saints….still the man still shown otherwise…..
- Cowboys…. (God I hate doing this)… time to show they were saving the offense for the real games….
- Green Bay….offense looks scary good so far….
- 49ers… like the jets…. Time to live up to the hype eh?
- Minnesota… ESPN threatened to sue me if I didn’t add a Favre-factor