The winds of change, paranoia and stupidity are at full-strength in the NFL this week… 8 new QB’s, 0-2 teams near implosion…. And drunk Jets NOT named Joe Namath…ah the world is coming apart piece by piece ain’t it??? Kinda fun to watch…hell I already gave up on my team and season… time to bring the rest down too (kinda like when you get bored at Sim City and rip that sh!t to shreds!)….and just adding to the fact that I can barely pick my nose, forget about football games now (17-15 on the year, yeech), let the madness begin!!
Sunday Sept. 26:
Titans at NY Giants:
The Titans looked about as bad on offense as a pro football team can look… but that was just due to the German World Cup Soccer team-style of Blitzkreig the Steelers can throw at you (and I have to admit that Soccer was fun as hell this summer), and they will bounce back…and hell they didn’t get stomped anywhere close to the level the Giants did last week… and think about this… Joe Adaai and Donald Brown ran all over the Giants….imagine what Chris Johnson and Vince Young will do?? Maybe Brandon Jacobs can keep his helmet on the playing field this week?? It won’t matter…..
Game Quality: ** ¾ (I do expect a better effort from the Giants)
Bengals at Panthers:
Your offense looks like sh!t… you can’t throw the ball… your back is struggling… your big mouth receivers are well… quiet… what can you do?? What can you do?? Well you can thank the schedule Gods… cause here comes a gimmie… and not only that but the fine tradition of stiff QBs from Notre Dame (with exception to the best ever, we don’t mean you Mr. Montana), Jimmy Clausen sucking more ass then a recipient of the old Rikishi stink-face…the Bengals will shut down the run and tune up the band and if Chad 85 and TO-me-me-me ain’t singing this week it’s gonna be a long one in Cincinatti (not to mention Carson Palmer has looked like ass this year and needs a coming out game to show he’s not near-finished)
Game Quality: * (oh NOTHING to see here….)
Steelers at Tampa Bay:
Remember the old days of WWF Wrestling Challenge?? (ah probably not you damn young folk!!)….well back before there was Raw, or Smackdown or even Saturday Night’s Main Event… you had a one hour wrestling show on the crap local channels, and basically the big name guys would come out and wipe the mat with the no-name jobbers and show off for their big shows and so on…. Every now and then they let the jobbers beat up on each other (Paul Roma FTW man!)…..the Bucs are Paul Roma… yes I went there…. They’re good enough to beat up on the jobbers, but here comes Owen Hart and he’s gonna take their heads off (oh man about time I made an Owen Hart joke in here ain’t it??)….the Steelers D outscores everyone else in this one and it won’t be pretty!!! Congrats Bucs… your 3 minutes are up *insert Samoan Squash Machine here*
Game Quality: * (oh please your watching because you drafted the Steelers D)
Bills at Patriots:
We could call the Bills the Panthers of the AFC (and this is a genius Clown Reference since he did root for both recently…)…you look like ass… can’t hold a lead or slow a team down in the 4th quarter (and this is gonna be a problem for the Pats this year, they can get a lead but they can’t shut the other guys down at ALL now…your go-to guy on 3rd down is gone (Kevin “who knew I’d out-last Marshall” Faulk)….but it all gets fixed with the Bills coming to give the Patriots a nice warm and long sympathy fvck to make them feel better and go back home with the walk of shame after…do I really need say anything else about this after THAT comment? Didn’t think so!
Winner: New England
Game Quality: * ¾ (this won’t be pretty)
Browns at Ravens:
It’s funny how the NFL has gotten back to normal this week and lots of easy games to pick as most of the good teams seem to be playing jobber teams who just don’t match up…. This is one of those games…hell I dare you… make a case for the Browns… really…seriously…DO IT!! Hell the only glimmer of hope you have is that Jake Del-Turnover isn’t playing, right?? Yeah… I’m done with this… the Ravens pound like cheap veal here!
Game Quality: *
49ers at Kansas City:
It’s an odd thing… I was more impressed by the 49er loss, then the Chief win last week (somehow I can pin that on the awful Browns too)… but maybe FINALLY this was the growing up moment the 49ers have been begging Alex Smith to have (and he did seem way more at home calling his own plays in the no-huddle), and it’s funny how a year ago, the niners were 2-0 and a lucky TD pass by Brett Favre on the back of the end zone totally derailed and ruined the 49ers last season… maybe that reverses itself this year… though it won’t take a moment of Montana-magic (fitting since he played for both teams but odd to have 2 Joe-Mo references in one write-up), and if the 49er D can be as fired up as they were last week it’s gonna be a long week for Scott Mitchell 2.0… err… Matt Cassell and his Chiefs……
Game Quality: *** (this one could be fun!)
Dallas at Houston:
Oh Dallas…. Thanks for being like my last relationship…. Over before it began and full of disease and issues…. Really sums it all up doesn’t it?? For fvck’s sake the defensive guru got OUTCOACHED BY THAT BLITHERING IDIOT MIKE MARTZ, who unlike the redhead Ginger retard (God I wish I could go back in time and make your mom swallow that day of conception ) figured out a way to stop the Dallas pass rush… they adjusted, they fixed things…. They changed the plan… ALL STUFF THE DALLAS COWBOYS REFUSE TO EVEN DO….it’s not John Madden football… you can’t go “oh I need to ball hog with Dez here”…. I’d like to raise Tashard Choice’s rankings here so I’m gonna put him in….ah Felix Jones needs a touch or two, it DOESN’T WORK, you can’t turn the penalties off and give people hugs and the afternoon off for fvcking up!!!! It’s a disaster and a miserable fail….and man I haven’t even gotten to the GAME…. Since I’m on a wrestling kick here… this is Kane vs the Undertaker… the lil brother that was always in the shadows here has drugged big brother and put him in a coma-like state (which does explain the coaching staff… IN A fvckING COMA!!) and now has big brother by the balls for control of it all (or in this case football in the state of Texas)… they beat the Colts, a win against Dallas would be just as huge if not bigger (hell I’d love to see the Texicans come in and win the goddamn Super Bowl in Jerry’s House, how’s THAT for a good kick to the crotch right??)…I’d love to say Dallas will win to spite me and give me false hope… but not against this team…..
Game Quality: *** ½ (oh please, people are coming from Delaware to see me suffer Sunday )
Lions at Vikings:
NFL fun fact, this is the 4th time Brett Favre was 0-2 to start the year… the other 3 teams did NOT qualify for the playoffs….HOORAY!!! …..Damn I so wanna take the Lions here….I can make a case for them really easy… they’ve been a live team in both loses and could have easily won both game… the defense is better, Best is running and playing fantastic football (as the next dime a dozen back mind you), Shaun Hill is playing a hundred times better then Brett Fraud is (amazing what a little training camp does for you)… and the Lions are healthier…and they didn’t self-destruct in their losses… one win got taken away by an IDIOTIC reception rule (yes I am gonna harp on this), and last week was all about who had the ball last…And man would 0-3 ever look sexy next to Brett Fraud (and hell if this keeps up how soon till he takes his ball and runs home re-retiring, that would be amazing)…. But I can’t see it… I can’t do it… this has gotta be the week the Vikings get off the 0-fer, and *sigh* they are still the Lions folks… this might be fun to watch though
Game Quality: **
Falcons at Saints:
Both teams here will be without their top running back… Michael Turner seems to have his weekly injury and Reggie Bush got smooshed and is out 4-6 weeks with a knee, the Falcons will make up for it with Snelling… the Saints will make up for it by throwing the ball everywhere else … unlike my Cowboys rant this lil brother still don’t have enough to beat up this older and still better sibling…. People, make too much of a big deal of the Monday Night game and coming back across the country, they flew back on Tuesday I think they are over it by now
Game Quality: ** (I feel I dishonored this game not having a tirade in there, but I got nothing….)
Washington at St. Louis:
You know … there is an odd tie in this game…. But I’m not gonna bother… it’s not worth the inside joke for two people and neither one of them read this fvcking thing anyway…..the Redskins are playing good enough football under McNabb to win these kinda games… and hell that’s more good then I can say about the Rams… maybe they can toss Rex Grossman in there and this could be a good ol-fashioned Anti-Football GEM??? Nahh… didn’t think so…you’re not watching this game anyway so why am I wasting my time right??
Game Quality: ** ¼ (this has an anti-football feel to it)
Eagles at Jacksonville:
You know something that REALLY bothers me… why is it when a white QB is benched for a black QB that EVERY analyst in the world that is a black guy has to come out and defend this move and swear up and down it’s the right thing… but when VY gets benched for Kerry Collins it’s the worst thing in football (don’t get me wrong I like VY), but it’s just ridiculous… can just ONE black guy on TV ONCE come out and say the Eagles are making the wrong and stupid move here??? MICHAEL VICK IS AS ACCURATE AS AN IRAQI SCUD MISSILE!! Watch him… every time his receivers make a catch they are on the goddamn ground like they are covering a grenade!! Hell the Eagles are even RUNNING THE BALL NOW… tells ya something, and of course Reid gets lucky and has the Lions and Jaguars, two AWFUL teams to make Vick look good with…. Then again I’ve been hearing rumors of a media war in Phily between the Eagles and Phillies (case in point the McNabb trade on Easter right around when opening day is…Halladay going for his 20th win?? Let’s name Vick the starter (and from Andy Reid’s reactions and comments before that I’m not sure this was his decision…), just some weird sh!t going on there…. But Jacksonville sucks and I ran long here, so let’s just move on and let you think about that one for a bit,......
Game Quality: * ½
Colts at Denver:
Holy hell how much do I hate Josh McDaniels?? (hell his players hate him too..... seems like once a year one of his players turns up freaking dead too , I know it's wrong... but hell that's me... guns a blazin) When he came into Denver he had Cutler/Marshall and Royal… a good TE and just need a go-to RB and a healthy defense, and what has he done to this team?? Ripped to pieces to put it in his own image… well needless to say his own image means to be a fail at life loser… then he did it, his running backs are dropping like Hart family members, his WR’s don’t exist… poor Kyle Orton, he’s gonna get put under the bus for the Teebow train, and the defense is in shambles… enter Peyton Manning fresh off the shredding of the equally as flawed Giants… he’s gotta be salivating like Rex Ryan at an all you can eat buffet….this one won’t be pretty, it won’t be gentle… this rape is gonna hurt on a Big Ben kinda level kids…..
Game Quality: ** ¾
Oakland at Arizona:
Ah the winds of anti-football are in the air…. The stiffness of Derek Anderson (and I HAD HOPES FOR YOU DAMMIT)… and the OUTCRY that Jason Campbell was benched for the white guy with the long name… OH NO… wait… it’s Oakland… no one gives a fvck and no one besides Zach Miller can catch the ball anyway!! This game could be horrible and mistake-filled… in other words I’m gonna love it!! And you’ll be hard pressed to find a team playing more awful football then the Cardinals….. so that should make this one of those wins to get the Raiders to my 8-8 comment!!!
Game Quality: ** (I smell more anti-football….)
San Diego at Seattle:
Seattle did beat up on the 49ers in week one at home… but that was as much overreaction and crazy choices by Mike Singletary then anything else and it all snowballed after…this won’t happen with San Diego… though Phillip Rivers is apt to choke a bitch if she don’t catch that pass on 3rd down…if Seattle wins this game I’ll be impressed and I don’t want to be impressed by any NFC West teams dammit… I want a 6-10 division winner as bad as I want the NJDevs fantasy football draft to end 90 minutes before kickoff!! So with that in mind….
Game Quality: * ½
Jets at Dolphins:
Revis is out with the hamstring…. The Jets have injuries all over the D now, and damn Miami is playing really good football (least when it comes to running and playing defense)….yes Favre gifted them last week but they still had to stop mister “all day” on 4th and 1 to hold on for dear life last week… but they DID…and holy hell there’s a million sub-plots there (let me share one with you… ALL you people out there that talk and piss and moan about all the undesirables in the NFL and how you hate this and this guy did that and how do they let them play… here’s a chance to stand up and back your words…..if you are one of those people who wants the NFL to hold to a higher standard and you don’t like the discipline policies… and you own Braylon Edwards… BENCH HIM!! I’m just sayin that’s all)…Cromartie vs Marshall…. The Jet D vs the Wildcat, Rex Ryan vs Nutra-System… there’s a lot here and this game will have the intensity of ten cities… but the Jets are just too banged up and Miami’s better……
Game Quality: *** ½ (should be intense if nothing else!)
Monday Sept. 27:
Packers at Bears:
Just the mention of this game alone makes you think NFL films… the classic music…that deep booming voice… all the classic battles and the classic rivalry,… but these are not VINTAGE (can’t do the wrestling stuff without some Cole-isms) Packer and Bear teams…sh!t’s gonna fly through the air too like if you were able to have a convention of all my ex’s in one place….I’m still amazed how the Bears can fling it through the air with this crappy WR corps… though it was Dallas and Detroit they threw it on…now it’s Charles Woodson and a legit defense… this is gonna be a real test of the Martz “genius” and not to mention the Packers can go big play for big play with them and might have to since they got no one to run the ball (I swear the Packers should be leaving the flaming bag of poop on the Buffalo GM’s doorstep till her realizes that they have NO need for Lynch and just trade the fvcker there!)… And with Vikings on the ropes and hurting this game becomes BIG for NFC North tiebreakers later… I think the Packers are going far this year and if so, they gotta have this one…..
Game Quality: ** ½
Week 3 NFL Power Rankings:
- Houston… survived their own letdown and did something flat out amazing in that 4th quarter… maybe they finally ARE “getting it”
- Miami… BIG win in one of the most hostile buildings in the NFL, with some help from Favre of course… but still that goal line stand was EPIC
- Steelers….who needs offense??? Or quarterbacks?? Really!!!
- Chiefs… been a while and I don’t think they’ll be here long, but damn them Chiefs they are a-clickin……
- Colts… looks like they dun found dem-selves…..
- Saints….held on… survived, and found a way to win again….
- Packers…. Who needs handoffs when the opponent is the Bills?? Should have taken Marshawn back on the plane with them….
- Bears… survived the Lions, gifted by Garrett…now we see how legit they are…
- Washington… would be 2-0 if they could run the ball… McNabb is doing sick things with trash talent around him…..
- Tampa Bay… can they PLEASE lose so I can never mention them here again?? Jesus Christ the NFL is SO WEAK right now I gotta put this fraud 2-0 here…..