Montreal officials say recent intelligence suggests that Montreal Canadiens fans may stop rioting for long enough during tonight’s game against the Boston Bruins that they can move the city and its non-hockey crazed residents to another location.
The officials, who spoke on a condition of anonymity because they don’t exist, said that an unusual lull in Canadiens fans’ constant stream of drunken debauchery may occur as they are captivated by the long-awaited rematch with the Bruins.
“We’ve got two maybe three hours. After that, all bets are off,” the official said. “We’re pretty confident though. Once we got our special agent, Mark Recchi, to say the Canadiens embellished Max Pacioretty’s injury, we knew their bloodlust would transfix them to the game for even the slightest possibility of retribution.”
According to the officials, all non-Habs fans have been briefed on the plan and are prepared to quietly leave town once the puck drops at 7 p.m. and the hoarde of Canadiens –faithful have retired to their sports bar lairs.
“Enough is enough ya know? My car’s been set on fire 13 times this month,” said resident Fred Perkins. “I told one guy, ONE GUY, that I liked the band Boston and this is what it gets me. When we get to New Montreal, first thing I’m going to do is blast ‘More than a Feeling.’”
Officials later told ItB that, upon learning Perkins’ plan, they decided to give him directions to Edmonton instead.
The location of where the group will settle has been kept secret, but sources told ItB it will likely be near Toronto.
“We’ve got it on good authority that no one likes hockey there,” the source said.
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