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ITB: Parise delaying comeback until softer teams come through New Jer


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#1 thelastonealive

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Posted 30 March 2011 - 01:15 PM

Zach Parise is on the comeback trail – but that trail doesn’t include games against the Islanders or Flyers.

The injured Devils forward announced Wednesday that he would skip games against the two division rivals – games the Devils must win if they have any dying hope of making the playoffs – in favor of making his return against the Canadiens Saturday.  When an ItB reporter caught up with Parise, he explained that his decision is based on “wanting to make it to free agency alive.”

Said Parise, “Look at the Islanders, they want to kill people.  Fights and all that nonsense.  Don’t even get me started on Philadelphia. what with Elbows McGhee and Crotchpunch Johnson and Ramrod Funnyhair on the team.  Nuts to that, I’ll take Shorty McTinydude and his band of equally tiny compatriots.”

Parise, who has spent the past five months on the disabled list with a knee injury and has apparently had way too much time on his hands, said he’s spent most of the season studying other teams, and assigning nicknames to their top stars.  Who does he see taking the Cup?  “I think Vancouver’s got a shot, with Greasy McGoalie and Freaky O’Twinguys.  Punchy McCabDriver in Chicago has those guys motoring, and they’re the defending champs, so they should always be in consideration.  Oh, and Dangles McWhine is coming back from injury, right?  So you can’t count out Pittsburgh, either.”

When asked by the ItB reporter why all of the nicknames Parise has come up with sound Irish, the Devils forward looked perplexed, before responding, “Shut up, Asky McToomanyquestions.”


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