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CRASHER

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NFL Week 13!!

26 November 2014 - 09:35 PM

Ahhhhh, Thanksgiving….the ONE Thursday all year I don’t bitch about there being football games on….at least this is a TRAIDITION and not some douchebag money-grab by the NFL (though I wonder if they’d ever try a Thursday Game in London…oi)….the run to the playoffs starts right here…..right now…and hell I even did this a night early….mostly because I’m actually making Thanksgiving Dinner for two tomorrow (hey if you had my family you’d not cook for them either :P )…but should be an interesting day in many ways….the ham glaze is ready….the food is sitting anxiously in the fridge, now just to see how much of it Jamie actually eats….and how much she eggs me on during the Cowboys game (I’d love to remind her that Dallas is 4-0 vs the Giants since I met her, but that would totally ruin it….)…..Good thing I mentioned THAT about 10 months before they can meet again…back to the present now!

 

Thursday Nov 27:

Chicago at Detroit:

I don’t care what the Bears did to Tampa last week, they’re still a mess and disorganized cluster…..and I’d trust Jay Cutler like I’d trust a heartfelt apology from one of my ex’s (especially the one who speaks Spanish)…..and while the Pats might have exposed the Lions a bit last week….they’re good like that….the Bears don’t have the discipline, or the personnel to do this….and they have Jay Cutler at QB….that’s a death sentence in itself….maybe this is the week the Lions can actually put an NFL level effort out on offense since the Bears defense is still awful at best…..I just hope this game is competitive enough for the ham to cook….lord knows the turkey won’t be done in time….good God….look at me sounding all domestic….holy sh!t…..let me grunt, drag my knuckles and say something manly…. LIONS GOOD….BEARS BAD…. Ahh ….better…..

Winner:  Lions

Game Quality:  ** (the game I do all the cooking during)

 

Philadelphia at Dallas:

So let’s see we could talk about the high flying offenses here….the Cowboys with Murray, the Eagles with McCoy and Sproles (though he’s slowed down since his knee injury….came back too fast maybe?), all the passing….the receivers….can Mark Sanchez drive the sportscar fast enough without slamming it into the wall?? Is Romo 100%? Is 3 days enough rest for his back? Can either one of these defenses make a play worth a damn? Bottom line is Tony Romo is 7-1 in Thanksgiving games….the only one he lost….the one I went to….well I’m in NJ in the snow and the slop making a fraking turkey and glazed ham…so yeah go with the trend and pray my head doesn’t explode before the timer in the turkey does :P

Winner: Cowboys (*gulp*)

Game Quality: **** (offense, agida and instant-leftovers, a hat trick of win?)

 

Seattle at San Francisco:

Ah, the NFL’s #1 rivalry at this point….speaking of….did anyone see Sherm’s press conference with the cardboard Doug Baldwin when he went off on every absurd thing I’ve ranted about in here for the last… well whatever number of years the NFL has been run by Goodell….God I love Sherm!! Anyway…the game….Seattle seems to be finding themselves on defense again (minus the turnovers)…the running game seems fine, and yeah the passing attack is still pretty bad, but Wilson does make up for some of that with his own legs, and unlike Frank Gore….Marshawn looks like he’s still in his prime….and Seattle knows what they are and they play to that….the Niners don’t….they throw the ball WAYYY too much (except to Vernon Davis, go figure right?) and they’ve looked like crap against all the crappy teams on their schedule (5 turnovers and NO touchdowns against the Giants….I can go on…)….as much as this tends to be a home field series….San Fran is playing wayyy too crappy to trust them in this game, least seeing Seattle on the other side SHOULD bring out their A-Game….but I don’t think they even know what their A-Game is and how to use it…..it should be an awesome blood match and first to 15 probably wins it…..

Winner: Seattle

Game Quality: **** (blood….death….and VENGENCE!!!)

 

Sunday Nov 30:

1pm:

San Diego at Baltimore:

San Diego is down to their 4th Center ….good God….that’s a lot of injuries in the same place….being the Chargers’ center is like being the drummer for Spinal Tap pretty much….except only certain parts of your body spontaneously combust and not the whole thing….the Chargers have really been sputtering their way through the middle part of the season too with the injuries, disappointing WR play and Phillp Rivers’ struggles too…..one of the worst things to have to do at that point is fly across the country to play an early game with the Ravens who are REALLY good at home and got a virtual bye with the Saints last week….not a good scenario at all…..add it all up and the Chargers might have well just stayed home….ha!

Winner:   Ravens

Game Quality:  ***

 

Cleveland at Buffalo:

Once a week me and Jamie do actually discuss the games of the week….mostly because she has an office pool and every week I’ve give her the picks for her office pool, I’ve won double digit games for the week in my picks (and it gives us something to bicker about in our difference games….we’re good at that)…anyway….there is a point to this….when the picks came in…..she wanted to pick Buffalo….I told her “you know Sanborn declared this as his SUPER BOWL for the season” (mostly since he got as pissed off at some Dante Whitner comments as I get about the ODB play I simply call the “Consolation Catch”….I’ll get to that in the Giants preview)….the minute I told Jamie he was treating it like a Super Bowl….she went “sh!t…I’ll take the Browns then!!!” ….nice to see the Bills cleaned out the stadium for a long-standing Anti-Football Hall of Fame Match-up!!! (this game needs the crappy weather outside now to be honest…. Derek Anderson can go 2 for 12 and STILL WIN the game…yes I will never forget that anti-football classic!)…..so much history here….HA…..both teams have good defenses, but I like what Cleveland is doing with running the ball, I like “Coach Goldberg” (go google a pic of the Browns head coach and put a pic next to the most successful Bald Jewish Guy in Pro Wrestling history….they’re damn near twins!) better than Marone…..I certainly like Brian Hoyer more than the rKo at QB (despite the fact he stunk enough to get benched last week, till Mike Smith saved his job…)…and at this point in their careers I’d take Gordon over Watkins ANY DAY…..add in the Sanborn whammy being laid down….and this might be an ugly one and bring back glorious moments of anti-football goodness….but the Browns find a way to stay in the hunt, while next year begins now for the Bills….

Winner:  Browns

Game Quality:  ** *(This one is PERSONAL)

 

Tennessee at Houston:

One team has a rookie QB putting up nice numbers and giving a sniff of hope to the future….the other one is stuck going back to Ryan INT’s-Patrick and right back in the craphole again (credit to Ryan Mallett, playing a full game with a torn pec muscle is almost as awesome as me playing six weeks of hockey on three ligament tears in my knee until my surgery exactly one year ago on this pre-Thanksgiving Wednesday)…..the teams are opposite outside of the QB’s too…Houston has a solid to borderline awesome team outside of the QB position (and they are paying JJ Watt like a QB)….and everyone runs like it’s Hulkamania all over the Titans…with or without Foster the Texicans will run like the wind on the Titans and that will be enough….as long as Fitz keeps the turnovers to a minimum they should be fine here…..this isn’t exactly must watch TV anyway…..

Winner:  Texicans

Game Quality:  * ½

 

Washington at Indianapolis:

Here let me get you the exclusive sneak footage I was able to get of the REDSKINS coaches meeting when they decided it was time to sit Robert Griffin and let McCoy be the QB for this game and probably the rest of the season (and good for him, this kid never got a real shot anywhere else till now…hopefully)

Coach 1: “Who we playing this week?”
Coach 2: “The Colts”

Coach 1: “Hrmmmm….we have a Colt on our team right??”
Coach 2: “Yeup”

Coach 1: “Hell…LET’S START HIM!!! THEY WON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!”

Coach 2: “GENIUS!!!!!”

** note** the above portrayal might be a SLIGHT exaggeration, but don’t doubt the Gruden Stooges being about this dumb with how this season has been handled….anyway I don’t care if they bring back the Hogs, give Theismann a Cylon leg to replace the one that was snapped to pieces 30 years ago, and blockade the Stadium with the old moving trucks the Colts used to bolt from Baltimore…the REDSKINS just have no chance here….the Colts are too good and they have no way to stop the Colt receivers

 

Winner:  Indianpolis

Game Quality:  * (QB drama adds one star of interest)

 

NY Giants at Jacksonville:

OMG DID YOU REALIZE THAT THE GREATEST MOMENT IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE HAPPENED LAST WEEK….the play was SO AMAZING that Giant fans found facebook again and were bragging and rubbing each other off….DOGS AND CATS BEGAN MAKING LOVE IN AWE OF THE ONE HANDED CATCH OF A LIFETIME…..sh!t the catch was so awesome the Giants stopped playing after it and got their asses whipped after it…..but since this is an ESPN Universe and we glorify the individual play, team results be damned, let’s forget about the pathetic 3-8 football team and yank off on twitter and all the highlight shows all week about this…hell they’re still talking about this “Consolation Catch” NOW on the damned NFL Network…..someone want to remind the world that the GIANTS HAVE THE SAME GODDAMN RECORD AS THE REDSKINS….let that sink in a second…..has it processed yet?? I actually had two customers ask me on Monday why I was wearing the Cowboys Hoodie since the Giants won (yes people are that stupid and I billed them an extra hour each for it)….I did love the QB Convo comment that “WR need be that stupidly athletic to actually catch Eli’s horrible and god-awfully inaccurate passes”….but he gets a pass because he stuck two Hail Marys to sticky helmets and he’s  “clutch”….I  guess at least on the bright side, getting all pissed off about this Consolation Catch has lit a football fire under me….they might need to whip out the Velcro and the stickyhands this week….the Jaguars are better against the pass then you’d think (their 33 sacks is 3rd in the NFL)…this might be also because they are TERRIBLE against the run  (130 yards a game)…the Giants are actually worse against the run (hard to think that possible) and just as bad against the pass….this might be a fun kinda anti-football game where you see lots of yards, stats and those garbage fluke catches that make me hate this Giants team soooo much (NOTHING is worse than a team you despise winning on pure luck and flukiness)….and I think getting all that anger out of my system….again…made me change my thought….I liked Jacksonville at home…but I DO need the Giants to win a few games to get back to the 6 or 7 range I want them in….this should be one of those games…..and it’s warm and no snow down there…..enjoy that weather!!!

Winner: Giants

Game Quality:  * ¾

 

Carolina at Minnesota:

A tough game to call, but at least the Vikings seem to be moving in the right direction….Carolina seems lost…bad coaching….Cam is regressing….the offense sucks and the defense is missing pieces all over the place…and looking at the Vikings wins….St Louis (in game 1), Atlanta, Tampa and Washington….they beat up on the teams worse than they are…. Carolina is certainly worse than they are….and the more wins the Vikings get, the better for Bridgewater….and the less talk of Adrian Peterson coming back to the Vikings…..all good things for their future….

Winner:  Vikings

Game Quality:  * ¾

 

New Orleans at Pittsburgh:

So much for the Saints feasting on the home cooking and winning some games and getting a foothold on WORST PLACE in the NFC South….someone must have fed them the shellfish of DOOM and gave them food poisioning…bad at home….bad on the road….and in a terrible division (though I wish people would realize that the AFC North beating up on the NFC South is why all the South teams have sh!tty records and all the North teams are over .500….it’s a North ass whipping of the South not seen since the Civil War!!  Too soon??) Anyway….give me the team with the QB on a roll and awesome WRs and a RB who might run for 200 yards again over the team turning it over like mad and a defense so bad even Rob Ryan has SHUT UP this year….this could be an ass kicking this week……

Winner:  Steelers

Game Quality:  **

 

Oakland at St Louis:

Here’s a fun fact….a bit over a year ago…the Raiders won a football game….and Hassan lost a fantasy football game….a year later…..the Raiders win again….and your favorite previewer is the one who became the one in Hassan’s 11-1 season this year….a weird coincidence isn’t it?? Hell I think Sparano (the clown that he is) celebrated that victory like he won the Super Bowl AND Stanley Cup in the same night….I get emotions and all…but damn that was embarrassing….the Rams on the other hand have been playing everyone tough….have found their pass rush and their defense in the process…..Tre Mason should have a big game, what running back DOESN’T against the Raiders….no worry Justin Tuck, you won’t have to call a game saving time out this week…..you’re gonna get whipped and eating your crappy Subway sandwich on the sideline long before this game is over….the Rams have a soft end of season schedule and could make some noise here and set a tone for next season in these last five games….

Winner: Rams

Game Quality: ** (Rams are playing well now)

 

Cincinnati at Tampa Bay:

LOL….Tampa Bay lost in Chicago to the Bears…NO ONE does that….I don’t care how horrible, soft and all that crap I hate about the Bengals….this is Josh McNown and the awful Bucs….anything the Bengals need to work on and get better with this week….they will….just move along….nothing else to see here….

Winner: Bengals

Game Quality: DUD

 

4pm:

Arizona at Atlanta:

Go figure….it takes Arizona finally losing for me to expect them to win….#irony….well I’ll be fair…its more the fact that they’re playing the Falcons….need I go on about the gift wrap job Mike Smith did last week in doing his damndest to make sure the Browns won that game?? (Maybe he had Gordon on his fantasy team and wanted him to get one more shot)….if you want to be stupid and take a risk like the Falcons did at the end of the game (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, stop you tubing the ODB catch and go find the last minute of this game)….RUN THE CLOCK DOWN TO TWENTY SECONDS, THEN USE YOUR TIME OUT….moron!!! Then again if Mike Smith knew how to manage a game the Falcons wouldn’t be a running joke in the league…..Bruce Aryans on the other hand knows what he’s doing and could coach a Special Ed team to victory over this buffoon…..

Winner:  Cardinals (look I picked them!!)

Game Quality:  ** (the good D vs the good O is always interesting)

 

New England at Green Bay:

As much as I get pissed off by the crazy offense and all the bloated stats in football….I can’t lie….I’m a bit fired up for this game….and it damn well BETTER be good since the idiot NFL put only TWO GAMES on at 4pm, and I don’t see Arizona and Atlanta making anyone run for Direct TV coverage this week….but here we go…Brady…. A-Rod, the Packers unstoppable offense, and this revamped and all of a sudden dominant Patriot defense….this Packers team isn’t built like Denver and the Manning offense…there’s no one guy to stop…..shut down Nelson and Cobb kills you….cover them both and Eddie Lacy gets 150 yards…given the Packer O-Line is maybe a weakness on this team, but A-Rod is good…and mobile enough to make that less of a problem….and the Pats offense should be able to do much of the same to a weaker Packers defense….I fully expect a slugfest here with lots of scoring and Fantasy Football Bliss, but I see the Packers being just one score better….maybe I’m overrating home field here a touch,  and I’m also expecting the Pats to have a slip up game in here somewhere…..no shame in losing a 45-40 type game….this is the NFL Goodell dreams of after all…..

Winner:  Packers

Game Quality:  *****

 

8pm:

Denver at Kansas City:

Kansas City did lay an egg on Thursday Night with the Raiders, and they have been exposed a bit offensively (not that it took much to see a team with NO TDs from its wide receivers can’t get big plays….but still….that’s an amazing stat in this no-defense era of football)….the Broncos are getting a bit healthier and survived a helluva scare from the Dolphins who gave the Broncos all they could handle….the Chiefs’ strengths get negated by Denver….they don’t get to the QB and sure Jamaal can run the ball but what the hell good does it do when the Broncos are up 14+ while Alex Smith is still dropping screen passes and checkdowns praying that #25 takes it to the house….Jason Avant is a nice addition, but the Chiefs are bringing rocks to a gun fight….that ain’t gonna get it done….

Winner:  Broncos

Game Quality:  ** ¾

 

Monday Dec 1:

Miami at NY Jets:

I guess this should be expected after all the pretty good games the NFL has showcased this week that it would run out of steam….after all, there’s only so many good games you can pump out in one week, and while people may not have expected much from the Jets NO ONE expected this to be the bottoming out point (or close to it….ask the Raiders, they’ve been “bottomed out” for so long they forgot where the way out is)….I ranted enough in this one so might as well keep this short and sweet….If Miami gets up 10+ points early, the Jets are gonna fold like they did last week against the Detroit Bills, I kinda expect that to happen pretty quickly….especially with Geno Smith back at QB this week…..this won’t be much to watch, except for fantasy purposes….

Winner:  Miami

Game Quality:  DUD (the Jets are done and this could get ugly as fast as last week’s did)

 

NFL Week 11 Power Rankings:

AFC:

  1. New England….another big test this week
  2. Denver….Not dominant, but still a nice win with a limited roster
  3. Miami…Ryan Tannehill has arrived people
  4. Cincinnati….only because of that whole pesky in first place thing….
  5. Baltimore…a bit forgotten but spoke up during the “bye in the Bayou”

 

NFC:

  1. Green Bay….hot enough to not freeze to death in Lambeau…
  2. Dallas…winning the game actually kinda matters, highlight catch be damned!
  3. Seattle….coming on strong…..
  4. Arizona….a bit harsh of a drop, but hard to believe in them…..
  5. Detroit….remember when they actually scored points in games?

NFL Week 12!!!!

20 November 2014 - 08:20 PM

Sorry this is a bit late….had a job run late this afternoon, and unlike Legarrette Blount, WE don’t leave the field until the game is OVER…..anyway….The last of the bye weeks is here!!! (I really wish one day the NFL would get their sh!t right about giving bye weeks with some sense of logic and continuity, but this is the same league that crams 8 games in at 1pm and leaves 3 games on an island at 4, thinks London is a viable NFL City, and wants to ban defense…and not to mention their own dopey PR war against themselves too….)….at least on the bright side (and gotta be positive…after all the holidays….and more importantly…my birthday….are all coming)….now we get to the point of the season where the games REALLY matter, and the anti-football gets even more anti-football-ier!!!

 

Thursday Nov 20:

Kansas City At Oakland:

After two weeks of decent Thursday Night games (and we get two more in the upcoming weeks), we go back to the sh!t show tonight for sure….oh boy…..the Raiders did get screwed out of a last second Hail Mary chance since there clearly was one second on the clock when the pass before hit the ground…but hey, the Raiders haven’t won a game in a full year now….so why care?? Right??? It’s like the referees at a 11:30 pm ice hockey game…you really think they’re gonna call that icing in the 2nd period like that?? HA! Anyway….I digress, but the NFL does have the innate ability to make me tangent….the Chiefs might be looking ahead to the Broncos next week, but the Raiders are already looking towards next year’s draft and hopefully making sure David Carr is in one piece by then and not shell shocked like his brother was after one year with the Texicans….in the 2nd game last year with the Raiders Jamaal Charles was a one man fantasy football team with his 5 TDs…we might see a repeat of that this year…oh boy…. Maybe the Chiefs can actually throw a TD to a Wide Receiver tonight….that would be cute…..Apparently there’s a rainbow shining over the Stadium in Oakland….to me that just means George Takei is getting a Make a Wish moment and running in a TD on the Raiders…..

Winner:  Chiefs

Game Quality:  DUD (this be an ass kicking)

 

Sunday Nov 23:

1pm:

Cleveland at Atlanta:

So with their “epic” win over Carolina the Atlanta Falcons stand on top of the NFC South….with that division being as horrific as they are, I decided for a new term for them….WORST PLACE!!! (and I guess being able to pass the ball with any level of competence is enough to make you look like you should win this terrible NFC South….and Atlanta can chuck the football for sure)….the Browns did look kinda bad last week, but they did fall victim to the JJ Watt show (and leave it to the NFL to have their defensive player of the year be the one defensive player with more touchdowns than half the offensive stars in the league….)…boy welcome to “Tangent Week” in my write-ups…even more than normal…..anyway, the Browns can run the ball, the Falcons couldn’t stop TIMMY from South Park if he got a handoff and hit forward on his lil wheelchair…..and that Josh Gordon guy comes back today….and what better team to get a trial run than the crappy Atlanta D….the Browns are too good, and I think it’s a Man Law “when thou art in WORST PLACE, thyne shalt loseth thy next game-ith”…..or something like that….

Winner:  Browns

Game Quality:  **

 

NY Jets at Buffalo:

OH  MY GOD IT SNOWED IN BUFFALO FIVE DAYS BEFORE THE JETS GAME, WE MUST POSTPONE IT!!! Geesh people, if anyone would be used to snow and crap weather it would be the Buffalo area….though this whole state of emergency stuff in Buffalo does give the Jets a bit of an edge…the Bills really can’t practice this week (hope they have treadmills in their living room, so they can stop taking idiotic pics of playing in the snow in their damn shorts….we get it…you Bills player….you like cold….drag your knuckles and move on)…but not like the Vanilla Bills offense really needs the reps, Kyle Orton doesn’t stretch the field ….or scare anyone, and that’s the difference in him say over Alex Smith, yeah Smith doesn’t scare you with his arm, but he makes smart plays and he can kill you running the ball too…and in this day and age, if your QB can’t make a play or two on his own, your team is toast (and yes I wrote this bit in the morning and learned the game is delayed….this game should be in Toronto just to play up to the old Toronto Maple Bills tradition….and hell they might hold the Jets to less points than the Leafs do currently!)

 

Winner:  Buffalo

Game Quality:  ** *(If they clear all the snow I remove all the stars)

 

Tampa Bay at Chicago:

Oh boy…Lovie Smith gets a homecoming with in Chicago….and OH CRAP he’s bringing the OLD SAVIOR IN JOSH MCNOWN WITH ME….MY GOD, NO WONDER THE BEARS SUCK NOW….yeah, Jay Cutler is still there after all…its REALLY tempting to take the Bucs here…old coach….pay back game….Bears suck at home…..Cutler is healthy…..horrible defense…but it’s freaking TAMPA….and yeah they’ve been a hair better the last few games….and all the revenge stuff….and they beat the Redskins…the Redskins are a bigger mess than the Bears…hell they’re so bad I stopped yelling their name to piss off the PC Police! Bad teams don’t win two weeks in a row unless they’re in WORST PLACE in the NFC South….wait that doesn’t work….just channel your inner Dikta in Chicago and win this damned train wreck …..

Winner:  Bears

Game Quality:  *

 

Cincinnati at Houston:

If we can get past that awful looking Bengals fan who got cock blocked out of a lil football last week (and don’t worry….I’m sure it’s not the only time that woman was denied some balls I’m sure she thought were coming her way….)….we have another mess of a game to talk about here….but my God GIO BERNARD IS ACTUALLY PRACTICING AGAIN…hooray! (Ironic that he’ll be back and now Arian Foster is now the “will he ever play again” mystery man)…Ryan Mallet was solid in his debut, and Alfred Blue made the Browns sad last week too…there’s no reason that Houston can’t do this again, even if Cincy is playing a bit better now…and getting healthier….it seems like twice a week I have a team set in my mind and then start typing about the two teams and just these words on the keyboard totally change my mindset….plus fvck that dumb chick who got the PR guy’s game ball in New Orleans last week!!! I hate games like this that are just total toss-ups…its where my damned emotions win out and usually for the worst…..

Winner:  Houston

Game Quality:  **

 

Jacksonville at Indianapolis:

Oh Jacksonville, you do try so hard….if only you were in the NFC South, not the AFC one….you’d have such hope…but this week you get an angry Colts team that got wrecked and maybe exposed in Prime Time last week….being a different week and the Jaguars having nowhere close to the talent the Pats have, this is just a one way trip to beatdown-ville….

Winner:  Colts

Game Quality:  DUD

 

Green Bay at Minnesota:

The Vikings just got smoked by Jay Cutler, and now they’re gonna bring in a REAL OFFENSE  to play the Vikings?? I really only need say two words about this one: ASS KICKING….the Packers run wilder then Hulk Hogan during the peak of his “magic vitamins”….move along people…..

Winner:  Packers

Game Quality:  DUD

 

Detroit at New England:

The Lions got stomped by the Cardinals (well as much as they stomp anyone….) and the Pats ran Jonas Gray so much last week they brought back Blount as another big body in case he’s still catching his breath (kinda hilarious that he walked off the field literally about Bell’s 200 yard day, to now back up the OTHER guy who ran for Two Beans last week….the league is funny like that)….the Lions are playing defense as well as anyone in the league and I don’t expect a crazy running day again from the Pats (they do tend to run 4 wide and spread these kinda teams and dink and dunk them with the midget receivers to death in these situations)….and the Lions just don’t have the firepower to stay with them, and the Belichick D does tend to make guys like Stafford who is VERY mistake prone, to make those mistakes, and New England is too good at home this year….

Winner:  Patriots

Game Quality:  **

 

Tennessee at Philadelphia:

Does anything say “I’m sorry we scheduled you to play in Green Bay last week and they took your soul, but we’ll make it up to you” like scheduling the Titans in your building the next week?? Yeah Yeah, they put up a fight on the Steelers, but have the Steelers not been proved to be THE biggest Fraud defense in football?? I think so…this is the week Sanchez and McCoy get to feel better …especially McCoy he’s due a game like Le’Veon Bell had last week….and I’d embrace it….just a touch…..least Mettenberger gets some reps against another lesser defense to get his feet wet with….this time try NOT to throw a pick-6 to the Gay Guy on the first play, that would be nice of you…..

Winner: Eagles

Game Quality: DUD (the crap team won’t play big two weeks in a row)

4pm:

St. Louis at San Diego:

The Rams pulled off the mother of all upsets last week knocking out the Bronco players one by one in glorious fashion!! But can that act travel and come all the way to the West Coast?? The Chargers still aren’t playing all that wonderful, and having an awful time trying to protect Phillip Rivers, least Ryan Matthews is back and taking some pressure off the passing game….history also says that teams that have the miracle game usually crash right back to Earth the next week….hopefully they get off the plane in San Diego before they crash…the weather is nice there….they should enjoy it for a bit before the smash into the pavement….the Rams might make this more interesting than it should be….but San Diego finds away (hopefully it’s not the clock running to Zero, even when there was one second left….)

Winner:  Chargers

Game Quality:  **

 

Arizona at Seattle:

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a 9-1 football team that I refused to pick to win like every week…honestly, can you blame me?? (Least I was right ONCE)….toss on top of this pile of facts that Seattle DID lose to Arizona at home last year also, and are just playing ridiculous defense as well too…but still…it’s Drew Stanton and no running attack at all against that Crowd Noise and that secondary (no this is not a knock on the Cardinals D-Backs, I just trust Russell l Wilson a bit….he’s kinda done a few things in this league), Seattle also has the superior running game (no matter how out the door Marshawn Lynch is….he’s gonna give his all since he’s trying out for a job next season)…..and a bit of revenge on the mind for last year’s loss….and a chance to knock Arizona back down into making this NFC West a race….home cooking tastes good….feed….me….more!!!!!

Winner:  Seattle

Game Quality:  **

 

Miami at Denver:

So many injury questions in Denver….will either Thomas play? Is Emmanuel Sanders running around saying “I’M BATMAAAANNN” still?? Who in the blue hell will run the ball for the Broncos….cause you know God Forbid “the Greatest QB of all time” step it up when things are going back around him…add in that Dolphin pass rush, attack defense and Grimes covering whatever relevant receiver is left for the Broncos…the Dolphins are playing awesome football…..Tannehill is starting to live up to First Round Pick Status….they run the ball, they make big plays…winners of 4 of 5….I was convinced I was gonna make the easy pick and say Denver here….but goddamn there’s not a single matchup that points to it, well aside of Denver’s massive home-field edge….but asking Peyton to put a team on his back and GO tends to end as well as playing a Maple Leafs Goalie on your fantasy team for a week….I’m smelling UPSET here….. Get ‘er Dun Miami (Good God this is a Godfather sized kiss of Death ain’t it??)….barring a miracle healing session from the Denver skill players….

Winner:  MIAMI

Game Quality:  ***

 

Washington at San Francisco:

The 49ers got five INT’s from good ol’Eli last week….and STILL stunk in the red zone….the 49ers are screaming all kinds of alarms, alerts and warnings here….buttttt, they’re playing the Redskins….RG III (and 8) can’t even count to 5 steps to make the correct dropbacks….he’s close to being totally ruined by two different horrible coaching staffs….neither one of these teams run the ball at ALL, but least the Niners have some defense and they haven’t mutinied on their QB like the Redskins seemed to have by now….plus this is a classic bully win, beat ‘em up, pound out the 49er chests and get ready for the big boys in Seattle next Thursday….

Winner: 49ers

Game Quality: **

 

8pm:

Dallas at NY Giants:

Dallas may have the weirdest schedule in the NFL (not to mention giving Dallas a November bye when its Romo’s best month, which in all oddity was a blessing since it gave his back an extra week off), and now they have a Sunday Night game on the road before playing two Thursday games in a row….just strangeness indeed….all my inner Cowboys hatred aside….the Giants are 31st in defense (or some number equally as awful)….they’re not running the ball well and my beloved E-L-INT is back!!! Add in a healthy Dallas, Murray running like normal, that’s just too much Cowboys for the Giants, especially when the Cowboys gotta have this game to keep the pressure on the Eagles…..no need for wit here this might be one of those “hrmmm, what’s on my DVR” games by the half….not like you watch Costas and Dungy unless you have a SEVERE case of insomnia….

Winner:  Dallas

Game Quality:  ***

 

Monday Nov 23:

Baltimore at New Orleans:

Remember a few weeks ago when we all thought “oh the Saints have some home games and they’ll be fine”….oh boy were we ever wrong?? Sadly the best Saints defender was that awesome old man who intercepted that toss from Gresham to that ANNOYING lil twat who ran down from her seats to have her stupid 15 minutes of fame (and really…shame on the football media for even making a damn story out of this…sh!t Rob Ryan should give the guy a contract and put him at CB!)….but the Saints are now just as average at home as they are on the road….and while the Ravens aren’t exactly wondrous on the road, Steve Smith has been pretty good in his NFC South reunion tour….and as much as I can’t buy into the damn Cardinals at this point….I can certainly cash out on the Saints….plus the Ravens had a bye and stuff (and I think in those 8 days since they played they shifted from first place to last place and everywhere inbetween….ha!)…..and maybe one of those days I can actually figure out what in the hell happened to the Saints this year….

Winner:  Ravens

Game Quality:  *** (should be a decent game at least)

 

NFL Week 11 Power Rankings:

AFC:

  1. New England….50 Shades of Grey indeed
  2. Denver….Amazing how the “great Peyton” couldn’t make his B squad better
  3. Miami…BIG test this week….
  4. Kansas City….quietly looking good again this year
  5. Indianapolis….they might wanna work on this “run defense” thing…..

NFC:

  1. Arizona…The smoke and mirrors are powerful things indeed….
  2. Green Bay…unstoppable offense!
  3. Detroit….hard to play football in blinding smoke and mirror show
  4. Seattle….the irony of them falling to a team’s home field dominance is amusing
  5. Dallas…..best….bye….EVER!!

NFL Week 11!

13 November 2014 - 07:11 PM

Man last week was as “blah” a week of football as it gets….it kinda showed in the preview, nothing was really too exciting (aside the finish of San Fran and the Saints….and the Bengals meltdown was good comedy too)….the Cowboys are off so my main source of rage is not here this week…the Jets and Jaguars are off, so that knocks off two “auto-losses” from the list….and the Ravens are off too but Manta has been damned invisible all season anyway so who cares? Plus I get some high-quality trolling tonight for the Thursday Night game so let’s GOOOOOOOO!!!

 

Thursday Nov 13:

Buffalo at Miami:

This is a life-long pest’s dream matchup….friends on both sides….trolling both sides to get them annoyed…hell I even annoyed Buffalo Nation by saying Connor McDavid being dumb and breaking his hand in a fight six months before being the #1 pick in the NHL makes him classic Sabre material…both the Miami and the Buffalo fans are REALLY fired up for their chances….that makes the trolling easier and I can’t blame them….based on their performances in the last decade has either Miami OR Buffalo done anything to say yeah they’re gonna step up and be a damned force in the AFC?? Not really…Buffalo won the first game at home but both teams are wayyy different since then….Tannehill has grown up a LOT since being threatened to the bench….and EJ Manuel regressed so badly he walked into an RKO OUTTA NOWHERE (look up the damn You Tube Videos…they’re gold I tell you)…neither coach invokes memories of Marv Levy or Don Shula for damn sure, but I’d say Coach Regis is progressing his offense better than Doug Marone is in Buffalo…..the teams are wayyy even though….Miami gets a slight edge in passing offense, but Fred Jackson is probably the most reliable back….the Bills front seven is a bit better but the Miami secondary has a legit game changer in Grimes ….and there’s no “Jim Kelly is ok and our team is safe” junk for the Bills to rally around….plus home field is always the safer call when the game is a toss-up….and god damn I hate this….Thursday Night games tell me how my WHOLE WEEK of pics are gonna go….gimmie Denver by a Hundred over Jacksonville every time in these match-ups :P

Winner:  Miami

Game Quality:  **** (rivals, a lot on the line, talented defenses, this game has everything….)

 

Sunday Nov 16:

1pm:

Atlanta at Carolina:

God help us, one of these horrific teams is gonna have four wins and still be in the hunt to win the NFC South….that’s a more disgusting stink than my hockey bag after a weekend long tournament…. seriously…by a LOT….Atlanta did manage to win the stinker of the week last week with the Bucs…and Carolina might have just as many problems as Tampa does now….pourous D (and Matt Ryan can surely chuck it as well as Mark Sanchez did last week)….lack of weapons on offense….and Cam Netwon talking about “not being 100% all season”….told you not to kick the wall when you found out you couldn’t keep Smith, Lafell or pretty much anyone who could catch a pass…..I know bad teams don’t win two in a row….but they do when they play WORSE teams…..

Winner:  Falcons

Game Quality:  *

 

Minnesota at Chicago:

Sometimes the house has just fallen in on you….it doesn’t matter how much talent the team has….or how golden the arm of the QB is (though there’s pure pewter in that lil brain of Jay Cutler’s)…meanwhile the Vikings have been getting better….Kyle Rudolph might be back this week….they’ve won two in a row and probably should have beaten Buffalo too….Chicago hasn’t won at home all season, and there could be a riot on the level of if John Cena had beaten CM Punk at Money in the Bank three years ago if Chicago lays a stinker here…..I wanna take the Bears since so much is on the line….but that’s like staying on the Titanic when the first ice hits it…the hell with the women and children….and speaking of children…looks like AP might be back soon….not sure how I feel about this….this team is coming together without him to be honest…..

Winner:  Vikings

Game Quality:  ** *(Jay Cutler implosions do make good theater)

 

Houston at Cleveland:

So we FINALLY get to see the debut of the much heralded “next generation” guy at QB…all the hype…all the waiting….his time is FINALLY now….noooo, not Johnny failure…..the guy who’s actually sat and waited and waited behind Tom Brady is finally being given the football and said GO….UNLEASH THE MALLET OF DOOM…. *sigh* that sounded better in my head….most things do….now Jamie’s gonna say something obnoxious to me when she reads this tonight….good thing I’m not cooking and can’t get even….anyway….rookie QB going on the road against a solid defense….even for Cleveland who is still having heart palpitations about this whole “HOLY sh!t WE’RE IN FIRST PLACE AT WEEK 11” thing, the Browns are playing too soundly to screw this up, and Mallet will make rookie mistakes as he’s learning under fire…..

Winner:  Browns

Game Quality:  **

 

Seattle at Kansas City:

Hey look it a weekend the Chief fans get to avenge their butthurt about losing the LOUDEST STADIUM IN THE WORLD (look I used to caps for yelling to SHOW HOW LOUD THEY ARE #clever!) title to Seattle the last few years…also Seattle is still not as good on the road, and the Hawks gush yards to the TE on the road (not like they don’t at home but it’s just worser…go with it….)…unlike the current 49er QB, the ex-49er QB doesn’t stick his head up his rectum when he plays Seattle…that helps….and not even the Seattle Defense can contain Jamaal Charles all game….they won’t run for nine bajillion yards and a infinite touchdowns against the Chiefs either….and as much as Seattle is playing better and getting healthier as a whole….they’re just no winning this game…..

Winner:  Chiefs

Game Quality:  ** ¾

 

Cincinnati at New Orleans:

Can we just cancel this game and say neither one of these two idiot teams deserves a win the way this year has gone for them?? After last week is there really an aura of invincibility to the Saints at home? Lets not even talk about the Bengals playing uglier than Andy Dalton looks in that crappy Buffalo Wild Wings commercial (I harp on it, but to quote Predator…”you are only UGLY son …of ….a …bitch!”) *sigh*….I can’t think of anything redeeming  about EITHER team….well there is Mark Ingram…whhheeee….Mark Ingram it is!! And for the love of Christ can they either amputate for Gio Bernand or just get his damn ass back on the field already??? That too is absurd!!! At least if Andy Dalton can complete a pass this week the Bengals should be able to put up points….but even with all the garbage in this game…Drew Brees is still Drew Brees….I guess that’s enough too….but I wouldn’t wanna put any kinda money on this disaster….

Winner:  Saints

Game Quality:  ** ¾ (CMON INEPITUDE!!)

 

San Fran at NY Giants:

The Giants have owned the 49ers of late (3 of last 4 I think)….but this was a VERY different Giant football team then….humbled again in Seattle (downright embarrassed might be a better word….I’m gonna dance on this grave a bit….I KNOW I’ve earned it….)..there’s just not a lot to that team aside of Eli and he’s really just an above average QB with two lucky catches in his resume…..the Niners may be  a mess (and they still are….this week’s complaining is brought to you by Mike Crabtree, it should be like a sponsorship….hell anything the NFL can do to slime an extra buck right??)…Aldon Smith is off his suspension…not like he threatened to blow up a major airport….or showed up to practice drunk….but that’s ok…the NFL hasn’t launched an PR-fixing ad campaigns about THOSE yet….so we’ll let him play…and even at 75% like the Niners are….that’s still better than what the Giants got…..

Winner:  49ers

Game Quality:  ** (still a sorta rivalry and I love seeing the return of el-I-N-T!)

 

Denver at St Louis:

Some things in life just ain’t worth the time….the cheap old customer who cries about “I’m on a fixed income” when trying to lowball me at every corner when I work on their machine (well no sh!t princess, guess what unless we’re named Tony Stark, Bruce Wayne or Oliver Queen (well at least as far as I’ve gone in Arrow so far….good stuff….worth watching on Netflix over most Thursday Night football games BTW)….we’re ALL ON FIXED INCOMES….so stuff in your cheap pipe and smoke it)….making a case for the Rams is just as much a no-win “fixed income” battle….move on…take the Broncos and count how far and high Peyton pads his stats while Rams ownership looks into fixed income living near LA……

Winner:  Broncos

Game Quality:  DUD

 

Tampa Bay at Washington:

Man this is the kinda game anti-football was created for!! The Bucs have been as bad as it gets but then just a lil bit more worse…if possible….and the Redskins are still a mess….can’t run….can’t play defense….and does anyone really trust Griffin at this point to stay healthy AND not suck at the same time?? That’s like hard!!! But as bad an inept as the REDSKINS are….they’re still miles ahead of Tampa and maybe beating up on the bad team helps them right their path….or they lose to Tampa and just add to the sh!t show effort this year…..not likely….least the REDSKINS are almost playing for something….Tampa’s done and has no direction…..

Winner: REDSKINS

Game Quality: ** (the anti-football Force is strong in this one….)

4pm:

Oakland at San Diego:

Nice of the NFL to give San Diego back to back bye weeks….don’t get me wrong, the Raiders have Carr, a good TE, but they are HISTORICALLY bad running the football (I mean 60 yards a game bad)…even Ryan Matthews glass frame and all is better than THAT!!! The Raiders can put up a few points or maybe their defense remembers the idea of earning their paycheck motivates them for a quarter or two….but this game becomes historic when Oakland loses it…..16 losses in a row….that is truly a special kinda failure indeed….there’s no football reason on the planet to believe in the Raiders….hell even Bo Dallas couldn’t motivate a win out of them…..

Winner:  Chargers

Game Quality:  DUD

 

Phily at Green Bay:

So is the over in this game about 100?? It probably should be…the NFL Midday people actually joked with the Packers coach about a possible 200 total plays being run in this game….poor McCarthy gasped in terror of this….I dunno….letting Sanchez throw the ball 40 times even on your crap defense (though Clay Matthews did look strong clogging up the MLB spot….given it was Chicago…)…you’re bound to pick a few of them off….this warp speed offense in Phily, when it makes mistakes….and it will this week….it’s a dangerous thing to be hurrying the ball back to the Packers like that….and A-Rod’s just that much better…..yes I know the Eagles have the best Special Teams in football and that matters, but that Packer offense is just too much….this might be a 50-burger game….imagine if they both do…maybe the elation will give Goodell a fatal heart attack…ah we dream…..

 

Winner:  Packers

Game Quality:  ****

 

Detroit at Arizona:

I’m still that awful person who kinda chuckles when they mention Palmer blowing out his knee 3 days after his absurdly overpriced $50 million extension (and I’m allowed since my surgery anniversary date is coming soon and I’m better than ever now :D )…as for this game, I know Stanton has been solid in relief for the Cardinals….but this also means the Lions have three games of film on him too in the process….and this Lions defense is stopping all the good offenses too….I am looking forward to Calvin vs Peterson one on one all day though….that stuff is always awesome….I think I would have picked Arizona to lose even WITH Palmer….no way am I taking them without him….side note….Bruce Aryans….you get this team to the Super Bowl with Stanton….forget coach of the year, you are now the new Lombardi and greatest coach of all fraking time (and space)

Winner:  Lions

Game Quality:  **

 

8pm:

Patriots at Indianapolis:

Ah does NBC weep tears of joy when they see their precious “jewel games” live up to their expectations (sometime DID remind NBC that Peyton is in Denver right?? They may have missed the five million papa john’s commercials about it….heh, speaking of….if you were trapped on an island and could only eat Papa John’s or Smash Burger….how soon would you opt to starve to death?)…the Pats are averaging 40 points per game on this five game run they’re on, but none of those teams were anywhere on the level the Colts are….they have yet to be held under 20 points a game and are also averaging about 38 points per game too and have won 6 of 7….they also had two weeks to prepare with a bye for this one and fully healthy as well , I do have a tendency to like the home team in the evenly matched game (and I’m still amazed they SMOKED the Broncos like they did)…..I’m waffling a bit on this as I see the Pats schedule gets nasty and the Colts schedule gets as soft as my comfy new couch….but I gotta stick with my instinct here and say the Colts pick the Pats in a close one that makes Al Michaels stay up past his bedtime…..

Winner:  Colts

Game Quality:  *** (Cutler drama is more watchable!!)

 

Monday Nov 17:

Pittsburgh at Tennessee:

A more fascinating game than it should be….after all Pitt is the only team that can “boast” losses to the Jets and Bucs this year (and ruining both teams draft delusions of grandeur this season….shame they don’t get the Raiders this year….that would be a MUST WATCH ….well the way the Steelers lie down for the lesser teams….)…but still after their last awful loss this year, they found a way to win, given it was brutally ugly against Jacksonville….the Steelers DID win it…and the Titans don’t have a pesty defense like the Jags do…and a young QB….and prime time…all that nonsense….there might be some deer in headlights effects going on with the Titans….the problem is the Steelers are the kinda idiots that would pump the brakes and let the deer cross….or at least cover the point spread…..Steelers win ugly here…

Winner:  Steelers

Game Quality:  * ¾ (though you DO have to listen to Gruden…)_

 

NFL Week 10 Power Rankings:

AFC:

  1. New England….we’ll see if this holds up Sunday Night
  2. Denver….Yay stat-padding “achievement” games
  3. Indianpolis….Could easily flip with NE this week
  4. Cleveland….FIRST PLACE BEATCHES!!!!!
  5. Baltimore….because everyone else sucked last week

NFC:

  1. Arizona…one last hurrah as the $50 million knee blew up
  2. Detroit….the most overlooked quality team in football now
  3. Seattle….time to bring the noise to the noisy, eh?
  4. Green Bay….still…scoring…on ….Bears….defense…..
  5. Dallas…..can’t piss me off on bye!

NFL Week 10!!!

06 November 2014 - 07:12 PM

The NFL season has reached double digits…already (no season ever moves faster than the NFL does….man if I had a dollar for each time I said that one right?)…and as much as the NFL would like to sweep names and incidents like Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson under the rug and never be heard from again…the lawsuits and court incidents pop up as constantly as inflated touchdown numbers and ridiculous London Football Games…..and EVERYONE’S “favorite”….the SUPER POPULAR SIX TEAM BYE WEEK…. *sigh*….so without the Pats, Chargers, Colts, Vikings, REDSKINS and new QB in Houston….at least all the bullsh!t the NFL pumps out in a week keeps me nice and angry to get through these previews…..

 

Thursday Nov 6:

Cleveland at Cincinnati:

My God…the Browns in a RELEVANT November game??? DAMN!!! The Browns haven’t won a divisional game on the road since 2008 (or 2009, either way its been a while and it’s not worth rewinding NFL AM for)…and go figure….the last team they beat on the road….the Bengals…..and before I forget….why in the HELL is Greg Little saying ANY kind of garbage about the Browns this week?? Seriously dude you dropped  the pen filing your release paperwork…..you’ll either be inactive or run blocking if you do get your sorry ass on the field tonight (in fact…please play 40 snaps I wanna see the Browns win, you can help that!)…..and as always with Thursday Games ….plenty of players who can’t heal between Sunday and Thursday…. Cameron (OK, he thinks he’s Batman and may be out for a long time)….Bernard….. Hawkins….I can go on too, but we only really care about fantasy players and results…the Browns offense misses their Center….the Bengals defense misses being GOOD…this game should be fairly competitive and actually quite good…..this annoys me because my ENTIRE WEEK OF PICKS seem to hinge on how I do in this dogcrap Thursday games…..I’ll go to my fallback policy….when in doubt go with the home team when it’s close….ESPECIALLY when my heart wants me to go the other way…..

Winner:  Bengals

Game Quality:  ** (....dammit this game would be better on SUNDAY)

 

Sunday Nov 9:

1pm:

Kansas City at Buffalo:

Damn the good and pivotal games are flowing this week aren’t they?? (Including some big Conference tie breaker games for down the road)….hell in a lot of way these teams mirror each other….efficient “caretaker QB’s”  run the offense and rely on running the ball (though KC does it better…Buffalo does have better WR options….but only so many times can you RKO OUT OF NOWHERE…right?)….aggressive pass rushes (with the Bills being a bit better against the run)…..Andy Reid is probably the better coach, but only if the original game plan works….he’s a terrible adjustment coach…. Fred Jackson is possible to return (he’d better….their next game is the next damned Thursday Night game)…I should pick KC just as a payback for all of Sanborn’s Chief hate/jealousy from last season….and all his ravings about what a trash team the Chiefs really were…..and boy it would be a knife in the wound wouldn’t it??

Winner:  Buffalo

Game Quality:  ***

 

Miami at Detroit:

HUGE game here….Detroit finally gets Calvin-Tron back….and maybe their offense can start living up to their billing…..meanwhile Ryan Tannehill is finally starting to look like a 1st Round QB…Lamar Miller is running the ball like he was expected to last year….the problem is….just when you think Miami is there and looking like they’re a player in the AFC….they then fall hard and flat on their ass the next week….in a way a road game vs the NFC is the game you’d rather lose if you could pick and choose, this might be one of those “under” games if you catch my gambling hint there….I do trust Tannehill more than I do Stafford right now….but my “toss up goes to the home team” theory has served my picks well….I’ll stick with that….

Winner:  Lions

Game Quality:  ** (the the under!!!!)

 

49ers at Saints:

….So the 49ers go on a bit of a losing streak and the anti-Harbaugh comments start flying out of Niners camp….and this time its from Jerry Rice…..hey Jim, you gonna swear and call Jerry Rice all the crap you called Deion when he called you out?? Frank Gore is screaming for the ball, and Colin Kapernick is forgetting you need to hold on to the damn thing when you cross the goal line (God damn yes I LOVED seeing that play a hundred times over!) …meanwhile the Saints have won two in a row and could be on the verge of starting a run where they stomp the rest of the NFC South dead (now if only they’d do a curb stomp over a bunch of cinder blocks like Seth Rollins did….also I nominate Mike Smith to be the guy who gets stomped through the cinder blocks!)…and start a 5 of 7 game stretch at home…..all drama and theatrics aside the Niners just don’t match up with the Saints weapons and the sooner you put the game in Kapernick’s hands, the faster it spirals out of control for San Fran (and before his defenders get mad at me…..14 sacks in the last 2 games, only 504 yards passing and a mere 2 TDs, least he’s only been picked once….guess you can’t get picked or throw it incomplete if you’re knocked on your ass)…and I went all this time without even MENTIONING Drew Brees…..dang…..

Winner:  Saints

Game Quality:  ***

 

Pittsburgh at NY Jets:

So let’s see….Big Ben now has 12 TD passes in his last two games…that’s kinda record-setting (for now….also keep this in mind, Ben’s had as many 6 TD games as there were in both the 80’s and 90’s of two each….yeah there’s no need for balance in the NFL….riggghhtttt)……and the Jets tend to give up as many on the defensive end…..Jets fans are buying FIRE EVERYONE signs and spending 10 grand a clip at it….good to see jet Nation unify at least….yeah this won’t be pretty and with the Jet bye upcoming, people could start getting fired…this is a THANK THE ALMIGHTY FOR THE NFL RED ZONE game!

Winner:  Steelers

Game Quality:  DUD

 

Atlanta at Tampa Bay:

In what could be the anti-football game of the YEAR…I don’t know if I can say ANYTHING good about either of these two crap teams….well Matt Ryan and Julio Jones…wheeee!!! Wait…Tampa’s going back to McNown?? Good Christ…this game got uglier!!!  Wow breaking down the stats on this team is like a 10 foot wide pizza of horrific-ness!!! But in all oddity, the Falcons are 2-0 in the division (again sh!tting on the NFC South oh so kindly….)….and yeah I wanted to lean on the home team, but I just can’t..plus I’m starting Matt Ryan SOMEWHERE dammit…….

Winner:  Falcons

Game Quality:  Anti-Football  GOLD!

 

Dallas vs Jacksonville Via London:

So it looks like the Cowboys saw enough of Brandon Weedon in one ugly week (though to be fair Arizona does have a good defense…ahhh… screw it….Weedon should go back to writing Buffy and Firefly…)…and I gotta admit…if Romo didn’t play this week I was taking Jacksonville….they’re playing better…they have a tough defense….a young offense….and better….and more dangerous ….NOTHING TO LOSE here….plus they’re playing in front of their eventual home fans….what better way to show London some love then beating on “America’s Team” for the masses when America keeps sending them garbage football? But no….as long as Romo isn’t split in two like some crappy Houdini magic trick….the Cowboy offense is just too good….and can you imagine the chaos if Dallas lost three in a row….and had a total stinker across the pond?? God yes I can….but it won’t happen…….

Winner:  Dallas

Game Quality:  DUD (why do we hate England so much?? Really??)

 

Baltimore at Tennessee:

 The Titans front office should be calling the Jets and Raiders Front Office on a daily basis….why you ask? The Jet and Raider woes have totally made us not notice how damned HORRIBLE the Titans are…QB play so bad they legit MISS Ryan INT’s-Patrick (couldn’t go a whole week without saying it…byes be damned!)….you know what, there’s too many GOOD games this week to waste time talking about this one…the Titans suck and the Ravens need to get past the butthurt Big Ben put on them last week…and hey allowing 6 TD passes in two weeks sounds a LOT better right??? :D

Winner:  Ravens

Game Quality:  DUD

 

4pm:

Denver at Oakland:

Yeah I get it…the Raiders are playing better…..David Carr is actually looking like an NFL QB and all that crap….but this is an annoyed Denver team that got sent limping back to the West Coast by UNICORNS!! BABY SHOWERS!!! SCOTT ZOLAK!!....well and the Pats too…it’s kinda funny…..there’s reason to be hopeful for the Raiders…and they STILL might go 0-16 in the process….that’s just bizarre (their schedule is BRTUAL for the rest of the season)…..least the Raiders can get a nice ransom for that first pick in the off-season….and Peyton Manning can go feel better and set some other crap offensive record in this no defense era in the NFL….

Winner:  Broncos

Game Quality:  DUD

 

Arizona at St. Louis:

Here’s a small fun fact, the Rams have won their last two NFC West games with the Niners and Seattle, yes it took some smoke and mirrors with gimmick punt returns and Colin Kapernick coughing up the ball like I had a voodoo doll of him…hrrmmm…that’s an awesome idea….gotta look into that….not to mention the Rams pass rush has come back to life in the last few weeks…the offense has a little juice with Tre Mason running the ball ….I’m not trying to sell Arizona short….they have beaten some serious teams on their way to 7-1 (and…well…Dallas too….that just shows they can beat the bad teams too), but sometimes you just look at a matchup and for some reason you just smell the upset….this is one of those games…..St Louis plays their best in that division and the pass rush should get to Carson Palmer and disrupt things….and it would be fitting since the football world is about ready to crown the Cardinals and start talking about a Super Bowl Home Game….this loss will quiet that kinda lunacy talk….

Winner:  Rams (it’s a gut feeling….go with it)

Game Quality:  **

 

NY Giants at Seattle:

As much as people are talking about the decline of the Seahawks this year and they haven’t had it easy for sure…..their defense is still putting up good numbers…. 4th in run defense (83 yds/game)…6th in pass defense at 220 a game…the turnovers aren’t there this year (and not as much the sacks but damn that makes their defensive numbers all the even more impressive)…and while Seattle’s pass offense is still pretty horrid (and no it stunk WITH Harvin, so hush that)….the offensive line is getting healthier…and this is the Giants we’re talking about….so I’ll say ONE nice thing about them…..El-I-N-T hasn’t thrown his namesake in four games….that does make me sad….I guess he’s due….and there’s no reason to give the Giants a chance in hell here….their running game stinks, and the Giants drop enough passes to make you think they have a team of Greg Little’s (see that, I made you read the Cleveland preview to get the reference…HA!)….this should be a “feel and get better” game for Seattle….much like playing the Giants was last year for them……

Winner:  Seattle

Game Quality:  DUD (God the 4pm games SUCK this week)

 

8pm:

Chicago at Green Bay:

I hope Jay Culter avoided the civilized universe for the last two weeks….there’s been nothing but rage, fury and hatred all over the place for him when the Bears are mentioned (get used to it bears fans…you got at LEAST three more seasons of this….)…but Cutler screwing up the offense is only half the problems in Chicago….and now they have to go to Green Bay and deal with maybe the most complete and dangerous offense in the league….and A-Rod got an extra week to heal up his limping hamstring….this won’t be a pretty game….but if Cutler implodes again….damn it will be fun to watch! The Packers will be able to do whatever the hell they want on offense….and Cutler will give it back to them on defense….Chicago fans might just wish that Jay Cutler pulls a CM Punk and just up’s and walks away never to be seen again…..

Winner:  Packers

Game Quality:  *** (Cutler drama is more watchable!!)

 

Monday Nov 3:

Carolina at Phily:

THE MARK SANCHEZ ERA IN PHILY HAS BEGUN!!!!!! And talk about the perfect team to get weaned into the job with right??...Terrible against the run and the pass….bad running the ball…but hey they’re almost average passing the ball in Carolina….the awful team we all expected at the start of the season has kinda popped out now (but God help them that division is so horrible they’re still in the fight)…the Eagles may not defend much….but the running game is coming around, and Sanchez should be good enough to get the ball to all those WR weapons…and hell what better way to kick the Jets when they’re down then to see Sanchez put up a 40-burger….with a side of nachos!

Winner:  Eagles

Game Quality:  *

 

NFL Week 8 Power Rankings:

AFC:

  1. New England….looking good, but I’m not sold fully yet…..
  2. Denver….I don’t think this will last long….
  3. Indianpolis….got better against the awful Giants, but needs to clean up their play
  4. Pittsburgh….air Ben!
  5. Miami….3 in a row …..

NFC:

  1. Arizona…the most untalked about “best team in the league”
  2. Detroit….sometimes a week off makes you look better…..
  3. Phily…. Our backup’s better than yours!!!
  4. Seattle….getting healthy and beating up on the softer part of the schedule….
  5. Green Bay… A-Rod relaxed his hammie for two weeks!!

NFL Week 9!!!

30 October 2014 - 06:34 PM

Its amazing how one week of the same ol Cowboys can really just light a fire full of piss and vinegar in me….not to mention having SIX TEAMS off this week….for God’s sake an untrained chimp can figure out to spread the teams around so you have FOUR a week off….keeps things balanced and you have a decent number of games to fit your spread-too-thin week of games as it is (and yes as a fantasy owner it’s infuriating too)…one division per week on bye and just BE DONE WITH IT….it’s NOT HARD….*sigh*….so much for sitting at home and watching the games on NFL Red Zone mellowing me out….on to week 2 of the post-tavern experience (and boy was it a circus there when I went for Tuesday Night Dinner….the sparks and hateful comments flew by….)

 

Thursday Oct 30

New Orleans at Carolina:

Boy did CBS know when to quit on the Thursday Night Games or WHAT?? They get their Manning and Rivers love fest and got the frak outta dodge just in time for THIS stinker….(ok maybe it looked better back in August…but DAMN this got bad fast…)….the Saints are still a horrible road team, and Carolina’s not really good anywhere….but until New Orleans actually wins a game on the road I ain’t picking them to win one on the road (well except  maybe like Tampa, or Oakland or someone, but they ain’t NFL teams either)….they still would have probably lost last week if A-Rod didn’t come up with the gimpy hamstring even….

Winner: Panthers

Game Quality:  * (…honey, let’s catch up on the DVR tonight shall we?)

 

Sunday Nov 2:

1pm:

Arizona at Dallas:

Its amazing how my faith in the Dallas Cowboys was shattered about as quickly as my tolerance for the new sh!tty bartender at Sun Tavern ….during the span of ONE Monday Night football game EVEYRTHING I hated about the Cowboys for almost the last decade came out to pass…. JERRY JONES GETTING INTERVIEWED DURING THE GODDAMN GAME….SERIOUSLY?? Either shut up, go away, or drop dead on National Television….either was I don’t want to see your botox’ed to the max face on my TV again unless you’re busted with another row of hookers …..was it no coincidence that while Jerry was rubbing himself off on National TV that it’s the SAME EXACT TIME that Dumbo got hurt?? Nope….its called KARMA you stumbling retard!!! And then we get the JOY of seeing Jerry add “lead physician” to all the other jobs he’s not capable of doing in Dallas….why would you put a drugged up not warmed up QB back in the game when the backup just got TEN POINTS ON HIS LAST TWO DRIVES and even so when your $100 million guy got injured in the same place he’s HAD TWO FLIPPING SURGERIES IN A ROW?!?!?!?! Jesus goddamned Christ…..and of course it was the ONE LONE FIRST GAME ALL SEASON I felt good and had confidence in this team of morons again….screw that….you know what the difference is in Arizona and Dallas now?? One has a smart head coach who KNOWS HOW TO WIN FOOTBALL GAMES….and one head coach goes “Yes sir missah Jones….I cracks the whips on Romo’s and does what the massash says I gots to do” (screw you it’s not racist since Garret may  be an evil ginger, but he’s still WHITE dammit, and the PC Police says I can’t be racist to my own damned kind :P )…..so yeah this is a “screw the Cowboys” pick (you can probably bet heavily on Dallas since this is usually when they win…)…..but I won’t CMON CARDINALS!!!

 

Winner:  Arizona

Game Quality:  **

Jacksonville at Cincinnati:

Oh Jacksonville…..you’re making baby steps….you’re letting the young QB grow (fun fact,  Blake Bortles threw more TDs for the Dolphins than Tannehill did….)…the Bengals slowly….sorta ….just a bit righted the ship….getting AJ Green and Gio Bernard back on the field would be nice….the Jags do play feisty D and keep stuff close, but they got no offense and less finish….this will be uglier than a broken toilet in a cheap Mexican restaurant….but the Bengals will find a way…..

Winner:  Bengals

Game Quality:  **

 

Tampa Bay at Cleveland:

This is the end of Cupcake Row for the Browns…and winning two of three is MUST with Cinci, Houston, Buffalo and Indy being four of the next five games on the schedule….the Bucs on the other hand lost last week as awfully as one team can (well without giving up 56 points to the Falcons…oh yeah…did that too)….and now even started to auction off players for draft picks….this is gonna be a long long rebuild in Tampa….the Browns are set and need to make a move now…..this is a gotta have game for the Browns, and they shall have it!!! It would be easier with Jordan Cameron (who is turning into the fat guy from “Not Another Teen Movie” with the concussion counter on his head)….but it’s still just Tampa….

Winner:  Browns

Game Quality:  *

 

Philadelphia at Houston:

This game might be more even than you think…..both teams are generous with turning the ball over, both teams have big time running backs that are finding themselves…both teams make big plays on defense….difference is Houston has the best defensive playmaker in the league….Phily is 2-0 vs the AFC, but those were home games….this is one of those “I got a vibe” games….and I just like the Texicans…but trusting in Fitzpatrick is a lot like believing in Jason Garrett….only bad things can come from this….so I’ll just say I’m expecting JJ Watt to have an MVP kinda game and go with that spin-doctoring!

Winner:  Texicans

Game Quality:  **

 

NY Jets at Kansas City:

Hey Jet fans….you know what the difference is in Vick and Geno?? One fumbles all over the place, the other throws interceptions….that’s really about it…..yeah Puppy Power gets a week with the first team, but have you seen Vick the last few years….inaccurate….holds on to the ball too long…leaves his receivers hung out….injury and fumble prone….and the Chiefs have issues this year, but they have two edge rushers raising hell….and the Jets can talk all the crap they want about Alex Smith being “only a game manager”…the Jet front office would sell off three generations of children to hell and back to get “just a game manager” under center….. Jamaal Charles may not run a lot, but the screen and the short pass game with him should have a field day this week….

Winner:  Chiefs

Game Quality:  DUD

 

San Diego at Miami:

Not only the best game this week but the hardest to figure out….Miami seems to have things going right now….Tannehill is solid, but not spectacular…and Miami did feast on a young QB taking his licks in the NFL….Phillip Rivers is NOT that kinda guy….and yeah the Chargers have lost two in a row…but they also lost to Denver and the Chiefs (who NEVER lose off the bye)….and on top of everything….I just don’t trust Miami yet….every time you think “hey they’re on their way”….they fall right on their ass and piss you off…this will be close and I think this game is a total toss-up (and an awesome one to watch), with a slight edge to San Diego here….

Winner:  Chargers

Game Quality:  **** (best game at 1pm, and maybe of the week)

 

REDSKINS at Vikings:

This is rough….this is two “bad teams off a win the week before” ….that messes with the formula doesn’t it? Also both teams cashed in on horrible play from their opponent….but then it wouldn’t be the REDSKINS if they didn’t do dumb things….. Colt McCoy has the game of his life last week and maybe the week that saved his NFL career (or at least made him a useful backup)….but now they’re gonna rush Glass Joe, aka RG III, back into action this week instead of waiting till after the bye….so you get a rusty RG III against an improving defense…hell even Cordelle Patterson was in the game plan and stat sheet last week….and the Vikings at home….it could be a VERY sloppy game (and Lord only knows if you get Griffin to last the whole game)….its real easy to trust the Vikings here and hope Teddy Bridgewater makes some good steps forward…..

Winner:  Vikings

Game Quality:  ** (this could be so ugly its glorious)

 

4pm:

St.Louis at San Francisco:

Gee…go figure….the Rams put all the gimmicks and trash plays on the back burner and they get scorched again…shocking….the Chiefs just buried them and it wasn’t even close….the 49ers are still stinging from that Denver beatdown last week….maybe the Niners will actually get back to what they do well…RUN THE BALL AND PLAY SOME DEFENSE….well as much as they can with who’s left there….half a 49ers defense should still smash a full Rams offense….just look out for the junk plays on special teams and this will be a romp……

Winner:  49ers

Game Quality:  DUD

 

Oakland at Seattle:

Seattle won ugly….but they WON last week….and that might be all the Seahawks needed to do to just exhale and feel better about themselves…its amazing how much Russell Wilson is carrying this Seattle offense now, runs and smart passes….totally making up for a sulking and out the door Marshawn Lynch (is it fair to say Beast Mode is now Bitch Mode??) ….and hell they’re playing the 53-man bye in the Raiders this week….a good week to get healthy…..it’s amazing….most bad teams in the NFL go…”Damn we need a QB”…..the Raiders are… “Damn we have a good QB in this Carr kid….but holy crap he’s surrounded by hot stinking garbage…..” Seattle gets another feel more betterer week here….

Winner: Seahawks

Game Quality:  DUD

 

Denver at New England:

I’ll let ESPN sing all the poetry and write songs about Brady/Manning  number one zillion and twelve (Jesus there’s more of these than Rocky movies….they’re not a big deal any more)....though I would love to see Peyton Manning have a crappy team around him like Brady does now and see how “Mister Regular Season” does then (think about it….how many “bad teams” did Peyton have to deal with in his career….not many)….hell while we’re at it…let’s get some bard to sing a muse about Demarcus Ware too….might as well do it now before he pulls a Manning in the clutch too….I don’t care where this game is….gimmie the loaded team over the team that just beats up on the weak but doesn’t have the people to man up to the better teams in the league….least this isn’t on NBC, so we get spared the Dungy and Costas speeches……

Winner:  Broncos

Game Quality:  ***

 

8pm:

Baltimore at Pittsburgh:

This is one of those throw the records out the window kinda games and just settle down, get the ice packs and just watch these two beat the bloody piss out of each other….Pittsburgh broke the “every other week” curse and the Colt jerseys still have scorch marks on them from the Big Ben burns last week (520 yards….on my bench in two leagues….geeshhhhh)…Baltimore is a crappy team on the road….and heh….following the old pattern this was a “Steelers win” week :D….plus the Ravens won Round 1….might as well expect the Steelers to even it up here!!

Winner:  Steelers

Game Quality:  ***

 

Monday Nov 3:

Indianapolis at NY Giants:

The Giants do tend to be good off the bye….but man the Colts got owned, blasted and humiliated last week (big Ben threw the length of his rap sheet….or maybe his lil black book….last week) …the Giants are still without Jennings….and the Giants just don’t compete with the better teams in football….factor in a P-I-S-T Colts team….this will be an ugly Monday Night game…..

Winner:  Colts

Game Quality:  **

 

NFL Week 8 Power Rankings:

AFC:

  1. Denver….same crap…different week….wake me up in the playoffs
  2. New England…the bully mode part of the schedule is over now….
  3. Indianpolis….one game fluke with the Steelers or blinded by ugly jerseys?
  4. San Diego….just didn’t have the firepower for Denver this time
  5. Pittsburgh…broke the win one/lose one chain…..

NFC:

  1. Arizona…smoke, mirrors, big plays and wacky wins….that’s all
  2. Detroit….just added Mike Smith to their Christmas Card list….
  3. Phily….too many turnovers…..
  4. Green Bay….all was relaxed until A-Rod hamstring stopped relaxing….
  5. Dallas….the panic button was pressed so hard