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CRASHER

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NFL Week 8!!!

23 October 2014 - 06:18 PM

Wow….October’s almost over already??? The busier you are the faster it goes….Thursday Night games that matter….rubbish played across the pond….Goodell still has his job….yeah it’s business as normal in the NFL…this week the 49ers get the week off and the Giants a stay of execution as well, and a kinda bland slate of games aside of the GREATEST THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL GAME IN THE HISTORY OF MAN…. *sigh* this game would be more awesomer at 4:15 Sunday Afternoon….anyway, time to wake up early this Sunday right?

 

Thursday Oct 23:

San Diego at Denver:

Fun fact, in the 5 games Manning and Rivers played against each other since 18’s jersey change, these two QBs have combined for 24 TDs thrown….that’s alotta offense….add in some rushing TDs and you know the offense is gonna be piled up in this game….last year the Chargers were able to ground, pound and dominate the clock, keeping that offense off the field….San Diego ain’t gonna be able to do that with Matthews and Donald Brown on the injured list (Oliver Sproles is a cute back and he makes plays, but he’s not gonna be the 25 carry plus guy to keep Denver off the field….and Ronnie Brown is so damn old it’s amazing he remembers how to put his cleats on by himself)….this is another one of those game where Peyton will pick on the SD secondary and everyone will marvel and Phil Simms will gush and fantasy owners will rejoice….hopefully so does this Phillip Rivers guy and he holds up his end…but Denver will win and people will keep overrating that bloated defense of theirs too…..

Winner: Denver

Game Quality:  *** (I’d have made it 4 stars but I’m sick of the NFL Network’s ranting about it)

 

Sunday Oct 26:

9:30 am:

Detroit vs Atlanta via London:

Wanna know what’s worse than hot garbage football shoved down our throats in London so the owner of the Jaguars can break even?? Putting this pile of hot steamy garbage on at nine in the damn morning!!! I mean THINK OF THE WEST COAST….Poor Sanborn now has to be up at 6am with his coffee, croissants and Bills slippers just to make sure Calvin Johnson ain’t playing!!!! Plus the Falcons are horrid enough on the road, now they’re pissing away home games for this drivel?? BULLOCKS I say!!! At least we have BBC America for all their damned good TV shows…..maybe I’ll just watch some kitchen nightmares instead of this Football Nightmare….CMON CHEF RAMSEY!!! This game sucks and the Lions will win and the Brits will hate us more for showing them this stinky pile of unflushed poo in the toilet….

Winner:  Lions

Game Quality:  DUD

1pm:

Seattle at Carolina:

I would love to call this a make or break game for both of these teams, but even at 3-4-1 Carolina would still be on top of the NFC South (think about this, Tampa gained ground on the other three teams in this mess of a division by NOT PLAYING A SINGLE SNAP LAST WEEK….geesh), the Carolina defense is leaky to the run and the Packers torched them through the air just to balance the equation as well, and this might be the week the Seahawks get back to basics, run the ball a lot….pound Marshawn and make things easier on Wilson (who doesn’t need it, he’s been playing his best football in all irony while the rest of his team crumbles around him)…put the pressure on Carolina to keep up and make some mistakes…get the defense back into things….and just maul anything on special teams that even fakes a fair catch (I won’t get into the level of garbage that “fake fair catch” play is and how ONLY the player catching the ball should be allowed to call fair catch….but we don’t care about player safety in the NFL unless it involves the damn Quarterbacks….)…..maybe this is the feel better game for Seattle I thought last week was…..Seattle is certainly learning the hard way how much more difficult it is to defend the title than it is to actually win one……

Winner: Seattle

Game Quality:  **

 

Baltimore at Cincinnati:

Hrrmmm…. Baltimore tends to be not as good on the road….but the Bengals looked as awful as a team still allowed to play pro sports can look (its like they’re cursed or something….heh)…but losing Gio Bernard and AJ Smith will make any team look normal….but my God the Bengals looked as damned ugly as their QB does (and there has been no uglier QB in the league’s history than Andy Dalton….spend some of that money and get that face fixed buddy…)….the Ravens have quietly had a pretty good season (makes me wonder if the media is afraid to talk about them to help the NFL bury the Ray Rice stuff that the league so botched and set up this wrongful termination suit Ray Rice has coming…and should win), but sometimes you look at a game and the two teams and no matter how much the facts say you should take the Ravens, you hear a whisper (like I did with the Chiefs over SD last week)….and this is almost a MUST game for Cinci since they’re on the ever-dreaded winless streak….I’ll go with the not-so-special upset pick here….

Winner: Bengals

Game Quality:  ***

 

Miami at Jacksonville:

Important,  but amazingly uninteresting game…..the Jaguars don’t allow a lot of points and pounced on a very over-confident Browns team last week and finally ran away with a win (dammit I shoulda seen it coming too…) the Dolphins on the other hand had a FANTASTIC win in Chicago last week and it seems “Coach Regis” has lit a fire under Ryan Tannehill and he’s responded to it (65+ completion percentage in his last three games  and 6 TD to 3 INT in those games)….and he’s also starting to connect with Mike Wallace (he’s getting a TD a game in those same three weeks)…this is one of those games that if Miami wants to talk playoffs ….they’d better win this game…the schedule gets UGLY the next few weeks (SD, Det, Buf and Den)….a loss here and you might blink and see a four game skid and the playoffs sailing away…plus Jacksonville isn’t good….and say it with me and roll your eyes “yes Scott….bad teams don’t win two in a row…..we know…” ….good….you’re learning!!!

Winner:  Miami

Game Quality:  *

 

St. Louis at Kansas City:

The Rams played the game of their lives last week and still needed every trick, garbage and gimmick play in the known universe (and even one or two from the unknown universe) to beat Seattle…that kinda crap never flies two weeks in a row….KC also had a nice win over the Chargers, but Andy Reid does tend to have a good game plan when he gets to eat that extra special bye week food (boy that was a reach for a fat joke wasn’t it??)…the Rams are still a bad team though….bad teams don’t win two weeks in a row, no matter how absurd the upset was last week….that’s enough reason to pick the Chiefs and go on before I make more bad Santa Claus look alike jokes about Andy Reid….moving on…..

Winner:  Chiefs

Game Quality:  **

 

Chicago at New England:

Are there two more difficult teams in the NFL to gauge now?? Chicago is good on the road…yeah, let’s go with that…..and the Bears offense is all pissed off at itself for crapping the bed vs Miami last week…yeah…let’s go with that….but wait…the Pats have won three in a row and haven’t lost at home… Chicago DID lose at Carolina…hrrmmm…. Well what do you want me to do?? I can’t trust the Pats running game…offense….or defense….they all seem to roll a D20 and if they make their fortitude save they do well….the Bears offense lives and dies with Jay Cutler and even in madden I can tell you that’s a dangerous lifestyle choice….the Bears D is still not good….I can spend three hours making a case for either team….so I’ll use one of my other copout clichés “when in doubt….go with the home team” :P and hope to hell its an interesting lil football game!

Winner:  Patriots

Game Quality:  ***

 

Buffalo at NY Jets:

I didn’t really get time to mention the Percy Harvin trade and what it means for both teams since I had to write this for another crap-ass Thursday Night game last week….but I’ll simplify it this way….I MUCH MORE trust the team to know what it’s doing that has the good track record over the last few years (and I would say a good NFC Title game and Super Bowl effort was worth the Harvin Trade for Seattle, and getting back a potential 2nd Round Pick for him next year is nice return (I can only imagine when they called Denver and had the balls to ask for Julius Thomas, John Elway hung that damn phone up faster than any 80 yard TD bomb he ever chucked in his career))….as opposed to the team that has a history of making the flashy signings and getting nothing  from them (Tebow, Vick, Chris Johnson…yes Decker was a solid pick up but it doesn’t buck the trend enough to make it irrelevant) …the Bills did struggle mightily with the Vikings, but losing CJ Spiller and Fred Jackson in the same game…hell before halftime…will kick ANY offense in the pants….but like Miami, the schedule gets nasty after this week and they needed that Minny game as much as they need this game….the Jets are improved, but Harvin’s not had enough time to be involved with more than returns and gimmick plays, the Bills D is still pretty good, and Bryce Brown is as good a back as you can get off of mothballs to fill in when you lose your top 2…..I only wish Kyle Orton would join the RKO bandwagon and “Orton pose” when he throws TDs…it would be legendary (and maybe help Randy Orton beat John Cena Sunday Night….but I digres)….the Jets D does match up nicely with the Bills O, but I still kinda believe in this Bills team and this is a “gotta have” game for the Bills, while the Jets are really just throwing stuff at the wall now and hoping it sticks…its not ready to stick yet……

 

Winner:  Bills

Game Quality:  * ¼  (this one might be ugly)

 

Minnesota at Tampa Bay:

This could possibly be the most hideous game ever played in the NFL’s long and glorious history!! I might have to try to find a stream of this since I’m boycotting the Sun Tavern this week (people may love the Zombies and the Walking Dead and all that nonsense, but I can’t stand an anti-social, no purpose bartender who not only not fun, but useless with a damn TV remote…I can stay home and eat healthier versions of all the crap I eat there and own the Red Zone channel)…Tampa had the week off….so in other words they were the most impressive game in the NFC South, and the Vikings lost a tough one they really shoulda had once Buffalo ran outta running backs….Teddy Bridgewater’s stats are flat out hideous this year….one TD pass (for all of 5 yards) …5 INT’s….sacked 15 times….and not even 200 yards a game…. *cringe*…..I like Tampa’s coach better, Glennon is better than Teddy (at least right now)…home field and a better (on paper) defense, running game….and receivers…holy crap…this is a no-brainer isn’t it?? But still this is fluorescent colored hockey shirt ugly!!!

Winner:  Tampa Bay

Game Quality:  Anti-Football orgasmic bliss!

 

Houston at Tennessee:

Clipboard Jesus goes back to what he does best….sits on the bench, listens to the headset and keeps his bear nice and trim….and we welcome in Zach Mettinberger (who would have taken the bet of him getting on the field before Johnny Manzell?? I LOVE IT!!!) ….and yes I had to look his damn name up….but a rookie QB getting his cherry popped and he’s gotta go against JJ Watt and a likely returning Clowney….and a pissed off team after that Pittsburgh disaster?? Yeah this might be an ugly one for the Titans….this year….that’s business as usual though….at least making the QB switch gives the Titans some hope…well at least for a month….maybe Teddy Bridgewater can tell us how long that lasts?? Hhaaaaaa, this game doesn’t deserve much more analysis….

Winner:  Houston

Game Quality:  *

 

4pm:

Eagles at Arizona:

This is the most interesting of the 4-m games for sure….the Eagles have struggled on the run and it’s affected their passing game, but they’ve had stupid good special teams play (and not the smoke and mirrors crap the Rams pulled) and fortuitous big plays on defense to make some of their offensive issues….now they go across the country to play the best kept secret in the NFL today….the Eagles did have an extra week to get Sproles and that offensive line healthy…they’re gonna need them, as depleted as the Cardinals are they’ve done an AMAZING job keeping that front 7 as a strong uint and 3rd best in the NFL allowing under 20 points a game (and all this while only forcing five turnovers….damn)…and the 3rd lowest yards per game (having to play the QB shuffle did not help that)…and they say stats don’t lie….this Cardinals team would make Triumph’s head twitch and possibly explode….it’s a toss up game but I’ll take the Eagles coming off a bye over the team that just barely beat the Raiders last week….

Winner:  Eagles

Game Quality:  ***

 

Oakland at Cleveland:

Boy did the Browns stink it up like it was a football game in London last week (well Jacksonville is half way out the door to the land of tea, crumpets and Dr Who….I guess that counts)….its bad that your “make a case for Oakland” scenario is “well they almost won the last two games”..but Cleveland at the WORST had to go 2-1 through this loser’s row run of Jax, Oak and TB….so they’d damn well better win these two games….or we’re gonna start hearing about Johnny BACKUP again…..Cleveland finds a way and the poor Lions can’t have their sip of anti-champagne quite yet….

Winner: Browns

Game Quality: **

 

Colts at Steelers:

The Steelers are almost a clock work kinda team…win one…lose one….lather, rinse, repeat (it’s also no coincidence that they seem to play the good teams on those “lose one” weeks and the bad teams on the “win one”)….the Colts are really playing awesome, complete football….the defense is coming around, we know about the passing game and the receivers and the running game doesn’t suck…plus it took a Ryan Fitpatrick special type collapse for the Steelers to win last week…the Colts won’t do that and are just too much for this Steeler team…..

Winner:  Colts

Game Quality:  ***

 

8pm:

Green Bay at New Orleans:

This feels weird to say….but I don’t even care about the Saints playing at home….this team is a wreck…the defense doesn’t stop anyone and even Drew Brees is now having brain farts at the end of the game and throwing terrible interceptions….it’s really just all come apart for them….and this is one of the worst possible opponents to be facing when you’re reeling (especially with all the defense problems the Saints have)…. Randall Cobb and Jordy Nelson are having 100 yard and TD plus games on a weekly basis….and ever since A-Rod told Packer fans to RELAX, its been a relaxing time for Packer Fans (though maybe not so much Eddie Lacy owners but nothing in life is perfect)….you put this Green Bay offense in a dome, even one of the best home field advantages in the league, and let the ball fly….there’s no way the Saints keep up….I’d call the Saints done as well…but this is just life in the NFC South, whoever has the best in-division record is gonna win….Packers and the over here!!

Winner:  Packers

Game Quality:  ***

 

Monday Oct 20:

Washington at Dallas:

Yeah Yeah rivalry games….anything can happen…Monday Night Football…blah blah….but when the REDSKINS are starting the “Colt of Personality” at Quarterback (even the REDSKINS aren’t stupid enough to hurry RG 3 back for this)…if Dallas was going to have a letdown and a stinker it was going to be against that awful Giants team (damn it feels good to call the Giants awful MEAN IT and know its damn true…ahh…liberation)….the Cowboys can run the ball on anyone….the Redskins can’t stop anyone from running the ball, and the QB situation is too dicey in REDSKIN-land to give them a chance in this one, hated rivals or NOT

Winner:  Dallas

Game Quality: * ½

 

NFL Week 7 Power Rankings:

AFC:

  1. Denver….OK..smoking the Niners was a bit impressive….
  2. Indianapolis….very quietly becoming an AFC Power
  3. Baltimore….yeah what I just said….
  4. San Diego….bump in the road or back to the pack?
  5. New England….AFC East…yeahhhhh

NFC:

  1. Dallas….won the game that top-tier teams find a way to win….
  2. Phily…if any team ever got the perfect time for a bye it was Phily
  3. Arizona…. Just quietly winning while the rest of the NFC folds on itself
  4. Detroit….all these wins without Calvin-Tron are impressive….
  5. Green Bay…unstoppable offense??

NFL Week 7!!!

16 October 2014 - 06:07 PM

You would think  the NFL would learn it’s goddamned lesson…but NOOOOO, just a few weeks after the Ray Rice and AP incidents, you’d think the NFL would TRY to keep a low profile and not want to look like a bunch of greedy scumbags….but NOOOOO….the NFL is at it again…. Colin Kapernick gets fined for wearing UNAPPROVED HEADPHONES as a player does for diving a cut block at a player’s knees….the NFL adds further extortion behind having a Super Bowl in your city (the demands they already put on you are obscene, now forcing the team to give up a home game to London?? Asinine) ….and then shall we add in my favorite peeve?? Awful Thursday Night Games….it’s amazing how much you can enjoy the on-field product…but yet totally hate everything about the NFL

 

Thursday Oct 17:

NY Jets at New England:

Its bad enough when the NFL puts a stinker on Monday Night….but when there’s a HORRIBLE game on Thursday (and make no doubt this is a horrid stinker on the Blazing Saddles beans and farts scene level of stink)….and the NFL Network spends all morning on the EPIC HARD SELL WE SWEAR THIS WILL BE A BATTLE mode ….*UGH* (PS, I never thanked the NFL Network for getting rid of Nicole Zalumus, the show is infinitely better without the annoying soccer mom prattling about her awful kids and Sanborn’s disgusting comments about her…too much info??), you can talk rivals and blood feuds all you want, but I can’t take that secondary against Tom Brady….like EVER, I think I’m gonna be watching the Flash and Agents of SHIELD by halftime tonight….if not sooner……and oh yeah….something something Revis’ revenge game…something something…he might play WR too…. And something more lame about the rain and the soggy weather

Winner: Patriots  (Thursday Night hat-trick?)

Game Quality:  DUD (thank God for DVR, this will suck)

 

Sunday Oct 19:

1pm:

Atlanta at Baltimore:

Now that the Falcons lost at home, we can say they suck equally at home AND on the road…..and now they go to Baltimore to play a team that’s ACTUALLY more betterer at home in the Ravens….Hope Flacco iced his arm…or ate his “special Wheaties” again….he might have another 5 TD first half against this awful Falcon team….things are gonna get ugly there….and hopefully this is the beginning of the end for Mike Smith and his awful coaching staff….this won’t be pretty…and neither will be the chest thumping out of Manta as the Purple Haze roll over another pile of 53 man garbage ….ok that was a lil mean on Matt Ryan and Julio….but whatever…..

Winner:  Ravens

Game Quality:  DUD

 

Minnesota at Buffalo:

No wonder the Bills went for the Age of Orton….he knows the NFC North as well as anyone….and this is the classic apology game on the schedule….the NFL feels bad for letting the Pats (again) rip their hearts out (best NFL Meme of the Week…. “Terry Pagula may own the Bills now, but Tom Brady’s owned them for over a decade!” (sorry Sanborn)…..lucky for them the Vikings are A MESS…and the Bills Front Four should make the day miserable for Teddy Bridgewater and the no-name offense….Fred Jackson and CJ Spiller should have nice days….and that’s all you need to know about that…. Buffalo BETTER win the next two games if they want to matter in the AFC......

Winner: Bills

Game Quality:  DUD (even I as a closet Bills fan, *I* don’t wanna see this)

 

Miami at Chicago:

This is a far cry from the 13-1 Dolphins playing the 14-0 Bears back in 1985 (whatever their records were….you don’t care either…stop nitpicking, you get the damn point!)…though speaking of the Marino Dolphins….funny to see them many moons later be the victim of the A-Rod fake spike, giving Miami a brutal loss at home and looking on the way down at 2-3 (that Patriot victory feels like ten years ago doesn’t it folks?)…the Bears on the other hand simply feasted on the softest defense in the league (yes you Atlanta)….but still have not won a game at home this year…Miami’s offense hasn’t been the same without Moreno and now he’s on IR….that doesn’t look too good for the Dolphins….though they should be able to run on the Bears….I just like Cutler and the Bears weapons better (even if it’s a “Bad Cutler” day)…he’s got too many weapons and Miami just won’t be able to hang with them….

Winner: Bears

Game Quality:  **

 

Saints at Lions:

Normally I’d call a road game in a home “just another home game” for the Saints….but have you really seen ANYTHING that gives you confidence in the Saints….it’s bad enough that the “I’m a WR bitches” garbage from Jimmy Graham cost them Lance Moore (who deserved to get fired anyway) and Darren Sproles (boy do they MISS HIM)….but now the Calvin Johnson wanna-be is gonna miss a few games too…this does mean going more to the small army of running backs the Saints do have….this may not be the week for this though…..Detroit only gives up 70 yards a game rushing…..and under 200 yards a game passing this season (my brain still can NOT accept this as the league’s #1 defense mind you)…the Saints should push these numbers a little….IF they can slow down the Lions Front 4…in a normal year I’d be all over the Saints here….this is NOT a normal year….and I barely trust the Saints at HOME…forget anywhere else….

Winner:  Lions

Game Quality:  ***

 

Carolina at Green Bay:

This is a rough one to figure out….though the Packers seem to have righted the ship once A-Rod told everyone TO RELAX (I wish Eddie Lacy would….but this might be a chill week for him…ewww…I just said chill….I need to go take a shower….but the Panthers have been terrible against the run)…and while I LOVE TIES (bring ‘em back in hockey dammit!!) as much as any red blooded American should….that was a horrible tie and a gift from the Bengals and the football Gods above….but Lord help them…a tie is like two wins in the crappy NFC South…the Packers should be able to run the balanced attack and take advantage of the 140 yards a game the Panthers allow on the ground and do just enough on defense to pull this one out….keep the fake spikes in Miami though please!

Winner:  Packers

Game Quality:  **

 

Cincinnati at Indy:

And once again the Bengals come up SMALL in the big spot against the Panthers….bad enough in letting the lesser team get you to overtime getting the tying FG on your “vaunted defense”….and then going to OT and WHIFFING ON A GIMMIE FIELD GOAL AS TIME RAN OUT…..screw you Cincinnati….it must be the Laflamme curse I swear!!! The Colts on the other hand have things going their way….. TY Hilton is still piling up yards from last week…the defense is improving (amazingly on a better sack pace than last year and that’s with the guy who had half their sacks (Mathis) on IR all year long)…add in home field….add in that Andrew Luck guy….and the Bengals playing the regular season in full-blown playoff form…yeah Dalton was worth all the money (and you can have that sh!tty Buffalo Wild Wings commercial too…ugly bastard…keep your crappy Benglas tickets!!)…the Colts keep rolling and make it five in a row……

Winner:  Colts

Game Quality:  *** ½ (the best game at 1pm…IF Cincy shows up to play)

 

Cleveland at Jacksonville:

Good God…have I EVER said these words before??? “The Cleveland Browns have a likely letdown game after having the most important win in the (version 2) Franchise!!!”…wow…that felt weird….but there’s no doubt people are riding high in Cleveland….Lebron is doing that pre-season crap in that awful anti-sport (wow I didn’t make ONE racist joke about the NBA…go me!!)….if Dallas hadn’t won in Seattle this Browns-Steelers game would have been a MUCH longer story (and honestly it should have been…well it might have been if Johnny Backup was playing…but screw him, Hoyer’s done an outstanding job for the Browns)….and the Browns have had the most efficient offense in the league….this is one of those litmus test games for the Browns….if they want to be taken serious in the AFC they HAVE to beat up on this awful Jaguar team and take advantage of the lesser opponent (and Lord help me I’m starting Hoyer in three leagues with Foles on bye)….I expect a nice, solid, nothing flashy dominant effort on both sides of the ball from the Browns….and another unlikely word in Cleveland….winning streak….

Winner:  Browns

Game Quality:  * ¼  

 

Seattle at St Louis:

Wow….the Schedule Gods were cruel to the Rams….after blowing up after the worst offensive PI call I’ve ever seen (well at least this year) and then just imploding to the 49ers….the Rams get an ANGRY Seahawk team this week….you know Seattle’s gonna have a chip on their shoulder and wanna make people forget what happened last week…angry defense….angry Beast Mode….crappy Rams team…this is a recipe for ugly….Poor Austin Davis….he’s done well in an impossible and unexpected role as the starting QB this year…but he’s got garbage all around him…just start the Seattle D and count the points….

Winner:  Seattle

Game Quality:  DUD

 

Tennessee at REDSKINS:

*sigh*….it MIGHT be time to give up on Kirk Cousins here….Gruden was talking about  going to Colt McCoy this week if things got ugly….here’s a better idea….GO TO YOUR DAMN RUNNING GAME….your inability to use Alfred Morris and Roy Helu makes me want to see Shana-Douche come back to Washington….never thought I’d say THAT….but as bad and as ugly as it is for the REDSKINS….they ain’t rolling out Clipboard Jesus to play QB…this could be a stinker of GLORIOUS proportions….I may have to watch this just to embrace the epic ugliness of it all J

Winner:  REDSKINS (I pick them wayyy too often don’t I?)

Game Quality:  ANTI-FOOTBALL GOLD!!!!

 

4pm:

Kansas City at San Diego:

I’d love to pick San Diego….I’d love to say they had their scare last week with the Raiders and survived it….I’d love to say the Chiefs aren’t that good and the Chargers will beat them up and throw all over them….not to mention this is Toast’s revenge game since being cut by the Chiefs and coming to San Diego Brandon Flowers has still been toasty but solid….but this is just one of those gnawing gut feelings…the Chiefs will run the ball a ton and it’s one of those classic divisional snipe games…not to mention the Chiefs had two weeks to get healthy and plan this one out….good thing too, since Andy Reid sucks at adjusting he better plan it right the first time….I’m going with the upset!!!

Winner:  Chiefs

Game Quality:  ***

 

Arizona at Oakland:

The Raiders came darned close to beating San Diego last week….that’s sweet….really….here…have a gummy bear….but when the bad team almost gets it done, the next week they tend to lay an egg and get killed anyway…..Arizona is playing the best football in the league that no one cares about… nice to see Larry Fitz get in the end zone too…and Goddammit…they’re playing the damned Raiders….do I really need another reason?? Not really…..

Winner: Cardinals

Game Quality: **

 

NY Giants at Dallas:

Well Dallas won “the big one” last week…yeah they went into Seattle, beat them up physically and all over the place….took the Champs and pounded them into putty….they slayed the Dragon in the place where the Dragon was hatched many many moons ago….but let’s be honest…the Giants are in trouble, they’re reeling….and now Victor Cruz is gone (I know…never wish injury on a player…blah blah blah….but I HATE that goddamned Salsa so fraking much I can’t help but smile that he’s gone for the season if not longer…)….this is CLASSIC “Giants are up against the wall” game….and yeah Dallas is beat up a bit on that offensive line….but people have been asking me “when are you gonna stop being so damned cynical and start enjoying this season??” and my answer is WIN THIS DAMN GAME AND I WILL START… Good God can I set up failure like a champ?? (or even like the true master of sports failure….Joe Beningo :P )…..Dallas SHOULD be too good for the Giants and SHOULD be able to just beat them down and squash them like Phily did…SHOULD…….

Winner:  Dallas

Game Quality:  ** ¾

 

8pm:

49ers at Denver:

Oh JOY..the world’s most boring studio show gets to sing, praise and lick Peyton Manning’s nuts all night long as he takes Brett Fraud out of the record books yet again…woooo I’m EXCITED….though I should be….but I get the feeling this is the week the shortcomings in the 49er defense get exposed and ripped wide open….after all no one does it better in the regular season than the King of the Five-Head…err…. the Lord of Papa John’s?? Ah whatever you call him….he’s gonna find a way to put up 30+ points and we all know how I feel when Kapernick has to throw the ball all over the place (unless he’s playing a dog poo team like St Louis)….the more you look at this, the more this feels like another Denver “coronation” type game…unless Frisco runs for like 200 yards, but I don’t see them having the discipline to stick with the run….

Winner:  Denver

Game Quality:  ***

 

Monday Oct 20:

Houston at Pittsburgh:

So again I have no ice hockey game on Monday (yay for a tripleheader on Tuesday)….but I get Bowling Shoe Ugly anti-football…. Good Christ, they should give you free shots and apologies the second you tune this thing in….the Steelers can’t block ANYONE….and JJ Watt is hardly “anyone”, he’s won a few games by himself….and there’s no way in hell the Tin Foil O-Line is stopping JJ Watt, that’s enough reason to pick the Texicans….maybe there’s a good NHL game on after Gotham Monday….

Winner:  Houston

Game Quality: * ½

 

NFL Week 6 Power Rankings:

AFC:

  1. Denver….Just get this stupid record over with Peyton….
  2. San Diego…..Oakland put up a nice fight, but still got it done….
  3. Indianapolis….I think TY Hilton is still running from last Thursday….
  4. New England….same old AFC East…..
  5. Baltimore…someone check Flacco’s Wheaties for PEDs….

NFC:

  1. Dallas….do I really gotta?? Crap I am sooo hexing stuff this week….but really….
  2. Phily…fortune smiles upon thine bye week….
  3. Arizona…. Amazing job with a patchwork team…..
  4. Seattle….learning its harder to defend the title than winning it…
  5. 49ers….one bad Offensive PI call turned the tide…..

NFL Week 6!!!

09 October 2014 - 06:30 PM

Soooo, going into last week I was pretty awful at picking games….two games under .500 and it was getting to the point that you could count on flipping a coin to get more accurate predictions….then in the middle of the afternoon my GF asks me for pick advice in her office pool….I sit….I look….I think “oh crap this is gonna end BADLY”……I make the picks….I go 13-2 and if she hadn’t been delusional and picked 54 total points in the Monday Night game I’d have gotten half the damn pot….oh well….let’s see if this can be a streak and not a fluke to make my numbers look pretty right?? Anyway only two teams again to not deal with in the Saints and the Chiefs (like you needed a reason to cut the Saints defense by now…right??) Let’s see what crap the No Football League has for us this week!!!

 

Thursday Oct 9:

Indy at Houston:

At least this awful game won’t be a 40 point blowout (that’s a baby step for Thursday Night)….but now watch it blows up that way anyway….I like the Colts and their weapons….yes they have O-Line troubles, but the Texans defense is just the JJ Watt show (has he recovered from Romo dekeing him out of his boots yet?? :D )….given the Colts defense won’t scare ANYONE, but neither does Ryan Fitzpatrick….the Texans best hope in this game is Arian Foster being able to survive two games in 4 days, but I still like the Colts offense to do its thing in this one (and yes…TY Hilton, you’re ALLOWED TO GET THE BALL IN THE END ZONE YOU KNOW….did Akeem Nicks pass on his no-touchdown disease to you??)…not an exciting game, but it will be a competitive one….finally!!

Winner: Colts  (I can’t POSSIBLY get two Thursday Nighters in a row right can I?)

Game Quality:  **

 

Sunday Oct 12:

1pm:

New England at Buffalo:

TOUCHDOWNS….UNICORNS….FRESHLY BORN BABIES!!!! ESPN IS REJOICING!!! THE PATRIOTS ARE BACK!!! Um….not really….they just crushed on the Bengals…NO TEAM plays smaller in the big spot than the Cincinnati Bengals….and New England just pounced on it….the Bills on the other hand have actually done decent in the bigger games this year….they kept the Bears offense in check at home, held San Diego to just 22 points , did what they had to against a Calvin-less Lions, and EJ Manuel gave the Texans more points than their defense did….meanwhile people are MASSIVELY overrating what they saw on Sunday Night…yes I MEAN YOU TOO JAMIE :P….the pats have also given up 75 points in their losses (egads)….and the Bills have enough weapons and Orton can at least get the ball to them efficiently….people may call this an upset pick….but I don’t….now watch New England wins 40-7 and Jamie doesn’t let me hear the end of it all night……

Winner:  Bills

Game Quality:  ***

 

Carolina at Cincinnati:

Well the pressure is off the Bengals again….no one cares about you know since New England drove and rammed you down the Hershey Highway on Sunday Night….so it’s probably time for another nice, efficient win at home….Carolina’s a mess…the backfield has issues…the defense doesn’t get to the QB since Hardy went into criminal exile, and the Bengals defense matches up very nicely against this undermanned Carolina line-up (hell I’m still amazed how the Bears blew it last week….)…a classic week of getting to fatten up on a lesser opponent beat up by injuries….

Winner: Bengals

Game Quality:  **

 

Pittsburgh at Cleveland:

Has ANYONE been impressed by the Steelers this year??? If you have,  you obviously own five horrible hankies and actually think that Terry Bradshaw makes sense during the FOX pre-game show and still want to firebomb Neil O’Donnel’s house ….the defense has  been horrid (holding Jacksonville to 9 points is like me scoring a goal with one my nieces in net and celebrating like I did when I scored in the Giant Center last month (say what you want, I have a goal on AHL ice and you don’t :P )…and the Browns are an efficient but not flashy offense under Brian Hoyer (a TON of credit to him, a patchwork offense around him….no Gordon and not supposed to be given a chance with Johnny Failure waiting in the wings)….the Browns can run the ball with their three headed monster…and the Steeler offense is entirely Levon Bell, Antonio Brown and a sniff of Heath Miller….I know Ben is great in Cleveland the last 6 starts and all that….and he can still be good and lose the damn game….this game means a LOT more to the Browns and honestly they’re playing better football……

Winner: BROWNS

Game Quality:  ***

 

Packers at Miami:

This is a rough game to pick and choose a winner for….first look you see A-Rod/McCarthy vs Tannehill and Coach Regis and you want to lean heavy for the Packers….but then you realize the Green Bay defense is about as awful as Oakland’s and you saw what Miami did to them two weeks ago and with No-Show Moreno looking likely to come back you’d think the Miami offense has enough weapons to put points up on this Swiss Cheesehead (oh boy that’s an AWFUL pun…sorry…but I had to think it, you gotta read it…) Defense (162 yards per game allowed rushing alone…sweet Jesus and Lord of Merciful crap)…Miami’s pass D has been better, but it’s not faced a passing game like THIS yet….the numbers lean towards Miami…but it’s sooo hard to trust Miami in a spot like this, especially with the AFC East looking like you can throw four…err…three (sorry Jets) names in a hat and randomly pick the division winner….this might come down to the end of the game and the last drive….and I love A-Rod in that spot just so much more than Tannehill that it’s not even funny…..

Winner:  Packers

Game Quality:  ***

 

Detroit at Minnesota:

The Lions got caught napping last week by the Bills (and no Calvin-Tron)….while the Vikings got beaten and battered as miserably as Adrian Peterson’s rep has been of late (now they’re gonna get on him about a little weed….they do love tearing you down….seriously)….Teddy Bridgewater got two weeks to get healthy and learn more about the offense, but this Lions defense is playing REALLY good with that pass rush setting the tone…there’s no guarantee Teddy is 100% here and that team is probably just trying to get the hell through this year as quickly as damned possible and put all this mess behind them (it would be nice to get Patterson a bit more involved in the game though guys)….This is a simple I just like these guys better and it’s why I’m liking the Lions here….

Winner:  Lions

Game Quality:  **

 

Denver at NY Jets:

LOL…..do I really need say much here?? The Denver offense that loves to run up the passing stats like the Pats used to under Brady and Moss….going against the Jets defense that couldn’t stop Rutgers….yeah….not much breakdown needed here….and the Jet offense is so ugly people are crying for Tebow to come back and even he as desperate as he is to be an “NFL QB” (not even in Madden buddy), he’s gotta know better than to walk into this mess….this will be ugly….this will be bloody…

Winner:  Broncos

Game Quality:  DUD

 

Baltimore at Tampa Bay:

The Bucs have gotten better under Mike Glennon as QB (go figure this might be the one thing Schiano EVER does right in the NFL….) he’s moved the ball well….cut down on the mistakes and he moves around just enough to survive behind that GodAwful O-line in Tampa…but Tampa can’t run the ball (O-Line issues and Doug Martin is starting to look like a one year wonder)…and maybe Steve Smith has one of those old flashback games against Tampa….shame Talib isn’t there for the ice up incident again…Tampa has improved (and please God don’t wear those awful white jerseys…those colors plus the purple haze….people like to eat during these games you know!!)….The Bucs aren’t quite there yet…they’ll win some games down the road….but not here…..

Winner:  Ravens

Game Quality:  ** ½

 

Jacksonville at Tennessee:

BY GODS SOMEONE MUST WIN THIS GAME!!!! Do y’all even read these games?? Or is just a small few people who come to hear me gush about sh!t show anti-football epics….will Jake Locker play?? Does it even matter…..will the Titans blow another historic lead?? Will Jacksonville players did from shock of actually getting a lead in this game?? The game is chock full of fantasy football busts (ok that MIGHT be why you care about this game….I want a beautiful disaster dammit!)…this is one of those games that the winner regrets winning when the draft clock comes around….but at least the Jaguars have their guy at QB in Bortles…how the hell did I talk so much about this mess?!?!?! Shonn Greene….Toby Geihart…LOOK AT ALL THE FAILURES HERE…we’re out of undefeated teams….time to get the Lions one game closer to sipping champagne and get this winless team off the schnide…..

Winner:  Jaguars

Game Quality:  anti-football at its FINEST!!!!

 

4pm:

San Diego at Oakland:

Games like this make me weep tears of joy to have Phillip Rivers on my fantasy teams J….Carr might be out for the Raiders….that offense is just horrific, and that’s being generous…the defense is full of guys who are just cashing their giant paychecks and mailed it in before training camp….and the Chargers might be the most underrated team in the league….this just has beatdown written all over it….and I’m ok with that since I’m an eternal Phillip Rivers guy!

Winner:  Chargers

Game Quality:  DUD

 

Chicago at Atlanta:

Damn these two teams are an awful LOT alike aren’t they?? Well Culter as a much more severe case of turnoveritis than Ryan does…..neither one of these teams really stop ANYONE, and both have diverse offenses  (especially if Atlanta FINALLY lets Antone Smith lose and lets him make plays and stop relying on that useless Steven Jackson)….there’s gonna be a lot of points in this game…the Bears have both their wins on the road, but turnovers killed them in Carolina…and Jay Cutler is Jay Cutler….take the over here and start all your fantasy players here…..this is gonna be a high-scoring one…and just watch Devin Hester make one big play on his old team…just so Deion Sanders can get all gushy about him again….

Winner:  Falcons

Game Quality:  ***

 

Washington At Arizona:

I’m surprised the Cardinals haven’t gone to the University of Phoenix to get a QB on-line this week , Stanton is probably out this week and Carson Palmer is going to the voodoo people to try to get his nerve issues fixed….Logan Thomas?? Oi….the Redskin defense was decent last week…well aside of that pesky QB (and my early MVP candidate) running for 120 yards on them while scrambling….the Cardinals QB’s don’t have that kinda escape skill….if they didn’t they’d not be on the injury report ;) ….and I just like the healthier team….frankly the REDSKINS do deserve a break and they may get one this week….if Cousins and the Defense does what they did last week…they win this one!

Winner: REDSKINS

Game Quality: ** (hell you’re watching Dallas and Seattle and you KNOW IT :P)

 

Dallas at Seattle:

Seattle did what they needed to do last week….they won ugly on the road against a REDSKIN (yes I do YELL REDSKINS when I mention them now) team that was up for it and played their A game on Monday Night against the Champs….and Dallas got to practice their silent counts ….at HOME….against the Texicans and pulled out an OT win after blowing a lead in a way you’ve seen Dallas lose games during the entire Jason Garrett error in Dallas (speaking of THIS WAS NOT THE WEEK TO SAY THEY GET THE BALL TO MURRAY TOO MUCH….this is the week you need him MORE)….. Here’s a crazy then vs now stat to support the “Seattle’s D ain’t what it was” theory: 2013 first 4 games: 11.8 ppg, 300 yards/game, 13 takeaways, 11 sacks…. 2014: 20.8 ppg, 318 yards, 3 takeaways, 6 sacks…plus Seattle gets eaten alive by good TE’s …hi Jason Witten…but despite all that, Pete Carroll is a hundred times the coach that the Ginger Stepchild is….and Russell Wilson WILLED that team to win last week….no reason to think he won’t do it again….hell maybe Percy Harvin gets a TD that counts this week (some ref must have been going against him in fantasy…..3 TD’s thrown away by yellow flags…ouch!)….all Dallas needs do is have an impressive showing here especially this offense on that defense and I might be convinced that Dallas has hope this year (last week they showed a stat that teams  that start 4-1 have a 77% chance in the playoffs….I instantly renamed my teams into “the other 23%”)…just don’t be stupid dammit!!!

Winner:  Seattle (*sings won’t be fooled again* )

Game Quality:  ****

 

8pm:

NY Giants at Phily:

The Giants have won their last two games in Phily….that was during that horrid home losing streak the Eagles had…wasn’t it?? The Eagle defense is horrid….but it makes big plays and no Rashad Jennings does make life a little easier for the Eagles (10 takeaways and all those special teams TDs we’ve seen the last few weeks…it’s all Chip Kelly wants….he doesn’t care about defense….he just wants a big play now and then)…and the Giants aren’t exactly wonderful on defense either….all the “what’s up with McCoy talk” this week I expect an inspired game from him and (shocking) I like the Eagles weapons and play makers over the Giant ones….plus people are starting to talk and notice the Giants….this is when they have some stinkers so people can write them off and they make those infuriating runs they are so known for…all we need is a scathing article saying its time for Coughlin to retire and look out….but not this week….

Winner:  Eagles

Game Quality:  ***

 

Monday Sept 22:

49ers at Rams:

I get no ice hockey this week and I fvcking get stuck with THIS because of lame ass playoff scheduling?? CMON NFL….at least Gotham is on….I can get away from this for the hour that it will be competitive: p…the Rams are just a MESS offensively and this defense (depleted as it is) is not the one to be able to settle it down and get better (thank the Gods above that I did not have ANY part of Zac Stacey this year)….and its amazing how for a few weeks the 49ers fool themselves into thinking they still have Young or Montana and throw the ball a hundred times all over the place…and then they realize they have Black Tebow…get the ball back to Frank Gore (then man who will NOT DIE…ever)…and they get good again….amazing….this game will be a sh!t show and give ESPN PLENTY of time to fuel the “Harbaugh is Gone” fire (funny you’d think a top-end coach like that would have been extended by now…there is smoke here….)the game itself will suck miserably, well except for me and my Frank Gore man-crush!

Winner:  49ers

Game Quality:  DUD

 

NFL Week 5 Power Rankings:

AFC:

  1. Denver….hooray for stat-padding!!
  2. San Diego…..might be just as good as the Broncos, but with less annoying Papa Johns ads!
  3. Indianapolis….won 3 in a row and can pseudo-clinch the AFC South this week
  4. New England….was tempted to put Buffalo here, we’ll see after this week
  5. Cincinnati….what the HELL was I thinking???

NFC:

  1. Seattle….Russell Wilson for MVP anyone?
  2. Phily…this is almost by default…..
  3. Arizona…. Held tough despite renting QBs off the street now
  4. 49ers….amazing what happens when Gore gets the ball more and Kap LESS
  5. Dallas….Its showtime boys…..

 

 

NFL Week 5!!!

02 October 2014 - 06:15 PM

So we have six teams on bye for week 4, and only two for Week 5?? Seriously who’s the untrained idiot who figures this stuff out??? But not only that but it’s FORCED BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH NOW all across the world…..don’t get me wrong, I’m not pro-cancer (though I DO wish it on a few douchebags who go outside my apartment to smoke because God Forbid THEIR apartments stink of smoke….but I’ll be a prick and exhale right in front of a window fan and not care….argh…. don’t start me)….but I was the same way with the Dopey ALS Ice Challenge, if you wanna donate, then donate….90% of the people dumping ice buckets on their head were being Facebook and youtube sheep and were only doing it because everyone else did….I’m all for raising awareness and all that crap, but making the whole NFL pink-up for a month….it just looks DUMB people….and you can’t force someone to volunteer….oh wait…the NFL can….though I’m amazed Jerry Jones hasn’t activated Michael Sam yet….there’s some SERIOUS MONEY in that man in a pink jersey and you know why!....heh that was SOME rant, eh?? With only Miami and Oakland off this week I’d better get to it…

 

Thursday Oct 2:

Minnesota at Green Bay:

Again….another quality division game that is going to be ruined and horrible because it’s on a damn Thursday Night….seriously NFL….you can spare the money…hell you just signed a TWO BILLION A YEAR DEAL WITH DIRECT TV, basically keeping them in business and screwing everyone else out of getting Sunday Football games in their house….STOP WATERING DOWN YOUR DAMNED PRODUCT….argh, and since this game is rushed it looks like Teddy Bridgewater’s ankle is a no-go (and even if he was, this is a rookie QB in his second start with an hour to prep for this game….good luck)….and it’s Christian Plunder against a Packer team that knows him well and beats up on him often….as much as this seems a given ….I thought it last week too….do not…will not…. MUST NOT….can not take the Vikings…..no matter how awful my picks tend to  be on Thursday….must…..stay….the course…..though if the Vikings win this I’m going opposite day the rest of the season….seriously…..

Winner:  Packers  (please oh please be right..)

Game Quality:  **

 

Sunday Sept 28:

1pm:

Houston at Dallas:

And I thought LAST week’s game was hell on Earth to pick with the Cowboys….now we have the Texas Heritage all-state Super Mini-Championship game to debate….the Texans can do a lot with that front 7 to make life hell for a team….but the Cowboys have the O-Line and the coaches to properly undermine Jason Garrett and run a proper NFL offense AND defense (seriously Rod Maronelli, they should be offering you the cheerleader of your choice weekly as a sacrifice for your coaching efforts)…Arian Foster is still hurt (shocking)…and Ryan Fitzpatrik is due a true implosion game around here sooner or later…and while this Dallas team is “untalented”….they do work hard and get in the right places…if this team wasn’t the Dallas Cowboys I’d probably be higher on them and be enjoying this mini-rebuild on the fly and be saying good stuff about them….talk to me again after NEXT week….if Dallas puts in a good showing and gives Seattle a Denver-like fight….I MIGHT buy in….but they need to win this week to sell the delusion…and damn them to hell…they probably will…..

Winner: Cowboys

Game Quality:  ** ½

 

Chicago at Carolina:

Some games I just look at the matchup and I get to it right away and the whole thing is written out in my head in about 30 seconds (sometimes researching a stat or a name or whateve)…..sometimes I look at a game and go “eww…that one’s getting written last”….and some games make me walk my 10 mile daily “no hockey game tonight” walk…..this one got me walking double-time….I shouldn’t write the Bears off after one bad game…but it’s so damned hard to trust in Jay Cutler….Carolina on the other hand seems on the down fast…two straight losses….a beat up Cam….the billion dollar backfield inactive due to injury….and the defense isn’t scary since Greg Hardy was put on the “walk of shame” list…funny enough the Bears have won both their road games this season…hell that’s as good a stat as I need to get out of this nightmare matchup….and oh yeah…GO CUTLER!! #FantasyGeekMoment

Winner: Bears

Game Quality:  ** ½

 

Bills at Detroit:

THE RKO ERA IN BUFFALO HAS BEGUN!!!!! I’m not sure how I feel about this….EJ’s not even played a full season of games….and yeah they can go back to him….but how many young QBs who get benched come back and get better?? But I do understand on the OTHER side that the AFC East is wide fraking open and maybe Orton is the best chance to win some games (you know like he was Week 17 in Dallas….HAAAA), and Orton is pretty familiar with the Lions…however this Lions team is playing more disciplined and the offense isn’t all about padding Calvin’s stats anymore (I still don’t get how he only gets TWO catches against the Jets…that’s damned criminal)….but the Lions are gonna have to run the ball better than they have this year (only 8 teams are worse this year and one of those teams was on the bye last week) and NO ONE gets less yards per carry at 3.1…this is that kinda game where a talented but easily overlooked team like Buffalo could come in and snipe the Lions in a non-conference game which doesn’t mean as much to them….ahhh, you know what…frak it.…my picks have been horrible this year.... CMON UPSET!! CMON RKO!! CMON REVERSE-JINXING BUFFALO!!!! I’m picking the upset!!!

Winner: BILLS

Game Quality: **

 

Baltimore at Colts:

Neither one of these teams has really been impressive this season…yeah the Purple Haze is 3-0, but the wins are Car, Pitt, Cleveland….not exactly murderers row….and the Colts have only beaten awful Jacksonville and pathetic Tennessee….and I would think you won’t get the super-motivated enraged butthurt’ed fury of Steve Smith this week (though it was a bit ridiculous since the reason Smith had to be cut was the asinine contracts in the backfield and NOT a knock on him….but hey…he does anger and fury production better than even I do….go for it….you can ice up after :D )…neither one of these teams scare you on defense….and this game could have high scoring toss up written all over it….in that case, when it’s close pick the home team…and keep the ball AWAY from Trent Richardson for God’s sake!!!!

Winner:  Colts

Game Quality:  ** ¾

 

Pittsburgh at Jacksonville:

Let me be the first to say SUCK IT PITTSBURGH YOU SHOULD ALL CHOKE YOURSELVES ON YOUR AWFUL HORRIBLE HANKIES….lose to Tampa AT HOME after they let up 1,000 points on Thursday Night the week before….. THAT’S A DAMNED DISGRACE!!!! I HATE YOU AND YOUR FRONT RUNNING “FAN BASE”….argh…..yes….survivor pool rant completed….at least they play someone just as pathetic this week in the Jags, who are averaging losing by 25 points a game….that’s pretty terrible….can the Steelers sh!t the bed TWICE in a row?? Not with me out of the survivor pool…. *sigh*

Winner:  Steelers (well they can’t murder my survivor pool THIS time)

Game Quality: *

 

Tampa Bay at New Orleans:

I really want to say that this is the “get better” game for the Saints….but it’s so hard to see anything positive with them after seeing their first four games….for some unknown reason Pierre Thomas has disappeared from their offense….the passing game has no time to throw….and don’t even start me on the defense….I’d think I’d rather have Rob Ryan as my nutritionist instead of running my defense….he’s been given the keys to an awesome engine and he’s smashed it right into the wall and hit the gas to maximize the damage….the only saving grace is that the Saints won their home game, and Tampa’s probably not good enough to pull off the epic upset two weeks in a row (though the offense has been better under Glennon, and the defense better with McCoy coming back)…this might be REALLY ugly…but this is such a MUST game for the Saints….and at home….I can’t pick against them here…..

Winner: Saints

Game Quality:  *

 

St. Louis at Phily:

This might be the perfect “get better” recipe for the Eagles after that dismal offensive output last week vs the 49ers …the Rams give up so many yards rushing you could get four yards a carry by merely walking through the holes….the QB situation for the Rams is brutal at best….the running game is horrid….and yeah they have that good D-Line but no one fears the damn thing anymore….man what the hell was Jeff Fisher thinking when he came to St Louis?? Was he repaying some unknown gambling debt? I really just can’t make a case for the Rams….its almost amazing how even ONE injury, yes even the QB as important as he is, has totally derailed this team and might have this team packing and going back to LA at this point….this is an easy one for the Eagles…..and this game will be as boring as that new awful tatooed zombie bartender at Sun Tavern is...

Winner:  Eagles

Game Quality:  DUD

 

Cleveland at Tennessee:

Charlie Whitehurst showed last week why he’s called “Clipboard Jesus”….because his altar is on the damn sideline and he should NEVER leave it…it looks like Jake Locker is back….but does that matter? This team sucked horribly with him….maybe the Titans should trade for Manzell…ha! Looks like Bishop Skankley (whatever his name is….Skankley sounds too funny to correct) should be getting the ball more often ….it seems odd to say this…but the Browns are the more organized team, going in the right direction and probably better at every position on the field….the biggest problem the Browns have is just the shock of being the BETTER team on the field ….hope they can live up to it :P

Winner: Browns

Game Quality:  **

 

4pm:

Arizona at Denver:

The Cardinals might be the best story in football that no one is talking about….maybe we should let Belicheck do his spygate shtick again….people seem to talk and talk more when we make video evidence of things….right?? The Cardinals won their last two games with DREW FREAKIN STANTON, no running game, a patch work defense and Larry Fitz looking like a WR on the way out….but they’re going to a rough place to play and compete in Denver, and Denver after a bye…all healthy and time to get all their pieces in play….if Arizona wins this they damn well should cancel the season, hand Arians the coach of the DECADE…screw the year….and just let us all move on with our lives….it will be a battle…but I have to believe Mr Regular Season does his thing again here…..

Winner:  Broncos

Game Quality: **

 

NY Jets at San Diego:

This one’s pretty simple, the league’s #1 passer and the league’s worst pass defense….that just has disaster written all over it….add in this Geno/Vick controversy nonsense….and really….Vick is just an older version of Geno who had better weapons around him in his youth…so this whole “change the QB” thing is just shuffling chairs on the Titanic nonsense anyway…this could get ugly fast….especially if SD scores early and the Jets do some punting….its pretty obvious Rex is being tossed under the bus by his GM and this could get ugly this year….but I have Rivers in three leagues….so I’m ok with this!!!

Winner: Chargers

Game Quality:  **

 

Kansas City at San Francisco:

Ahhh, the Alex Smith Bowl!!! You’ll never admit it San Fran…but you miss this guy…...then again imagine the disaster of Andy Reid and Colin Kapernick in KC….man that would have been epic awesome-State Farm-sauce right?? It’s really easy to be high on the Chiefs after that Monday Night Curb Stomping…and down on the 49ers because of Black Tebow….but I just can’t do it yet….I do expect the Chiefs to put an extra strong effort into this one, with a lil motivation for their QB in the place that couldn’t get rid of him fast enough…but what the Chiefs do, still kinda matches up to the strengths of the NIners’ D, and I expect another big Frank Gore day this week to keep the need for Kapernick to stumble around and be all awkward back there to a minimum …..and soon enough people will start to forget how badly the Patriots looked on Monday Night….

Winner:  49ers

Game Quality:  ** ¾

 

8pm:

Cincinnati at New England:

Tom Brady is questionable for this game with a MASSIVE case of butthurt from last Monday’s thrashing from the Chiefs (which I’m still in disbelief about thank you….)….and apparently Bill Belichek is stick on repeat like he’s some kinda messed up record (stupid young people not even knowing what a record is *shakes fist in the air* )…..Revis hasn’t covered ANYONE at all this year, and AJ Green is gonna carve him up and serve him in some kinda weirdo Scott Tenorman Fruit Salad (always time for a South park reference)…..considering the Chiefs did just bludgeon this team in Prime Time…and everything KC does, the Bengals do better….this could get ugly this week….there will be no high-five’s for Brady on the sideline (and there are times I wonder about his diva attitude with his receivers and not working with them to make them better either)….maybe that time were “you stink” is coming Mr Brady…think about that…..this may be the changing of the guard game and the signature win the Bengals have been looking for over the last three season…..

Winner:  Bengals

Game Quality:  **

 

Monday Sept 22:

Seattle at Washington:

Maybe the NFL should just skip this game and just re-air the South Park REDSKINS episode instead? It might be more competitive…..the REDSKINS couldn’t block the damn Giants….how the hell are they gonna block the Seattle rushers?? Poor Kirk Cousins….he finally gets his chance and this team can’t block a swarm of mosquitos….and Seattle had two weeks to get ready for this and probably watched the Thursday Night Game over some beers and popcorn having a hearty laugh about this….but at least this gives ESPN plenty of time to be the guilt-laden white boys and tell us how terrible the damn REDSKIN name is…..and my ice hockey game is late….dammit….terrible…..

Winner:  Seattle

Game Quality:  DUD

 

NFL Week 2 Power Rankings:

AFC:

  1. Bengals…maybe by default, but also maybe the most complete team in the AFC
  2. Denver….don’t worry they crush Arizona and the talking heads will demand they go  up
  3. San Diego…how underappreciated is Phillip Rivers?
  4. Baltimore….ice up bro…..
  5. Houston…*sigh*…why not??

NFC:

  1. Seattle….a second bye week Monday Night….
  2. Detroit…playing amazingly solid football….what?!?!?!?
  3. Arizona…. Big test 4pm on Sunday….
  4. Phily….terrible O-Line play…panic time??
  5. Dallas….time to screw the whole thing up and admit they’re playing well :P