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CRASHER

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NFL week 3!!!

18 September 2014 - 11:33 AM

Week 3 kicks off with a collective groan tonight….I mean really….. Atlanta and Tampa??? Who the hell is this appealing too?? I guess this is the NFL’s new PR-directive….since just about every damned star in the league is being put on the new commissioner’s Corporate CYA list (funny how Goodell himself seems on this list…..remember the weekly list of fines and player discipline reports we’d get the last few years? How come NO ONE has been fined or suspended for ON THE FIELD stuff this year…..fascinating coincidence eh?)….let’s see if I can get through this and actually keep it as football oriented as possible, shall we??

 

Thursday Sept 18:

Tampa Bay at Atlanta:

So I guess one off-season CAN’T get the Schiano out of the Bucs eh?? Good God they couldn’t block Roger Goodell from scurrying away from the media now??  O-Line is beat up …I think McNown would feel less pain filling in for said Goodell in those press conferences rather than stand behind THAT line….now don’t get me wrong, Atlanta’s not a world beater either….but they do score lots of points at home….the Tampa D hasn’t been awesome either…at least this is a fine week to be starting Matt Ryan and realizing this game will be a bore with PLENTY of overbearing overly righteous spin-doctoring about the NFL “doing the right thing” in these PR disasters they’ve gone through in the last month….

Winner:  Falcons

Game Quality: * (the best part about this game will be eating my chili during it!)

 

Sunday Sept 21:

1pm:

Dallas at St Louis:

This game should be a layup to talk about…..the Rams got killed by the Vikings (there’s a men against boys joke in there somewhere that I should make while the NFL Gestapo is in hiding and I won’t get three games for it)….and then BARELY beat an awful Tampa team (losing a game on a ten second run-off because Mike Evans got KILLED on the last play….ouch…)….at least their rookie QB should get a nice 7 on 7 drill feeling against the Cowboys defense…and hell the Cowboys played a smart responsible road game last week (usually it takes a MONTH to see Murray get the ball 29 times….maybe Garrett was possessed by aliens??)….and the game plan SHOULD be the same this week….use that big o-line, grind down this Rams defense….minimize Dumbo being Dumbo (plus we have no proof he’s really 100% yet), get the ball to Dez Bryant….lots (THREE LEAGUES dammit)….beat up on the teams that you’re better on (after all they gotta get to week 17 for the Golden Ticket game for the REDSKINS, right?)…I still won’t watch or believe it….this is probably why Dallas wins after all :P

Winner: Dallas

Game Quality: * (well unless Dumbo implodes then this is must-watch)

 

San Diego at Buffalo:

Now THIS is the game I’ll be watching! And this is truly the sign of the NFL-apocalypse….the Bills are looking like a LEGIT NFL team….good defense….strong running game….QB game management….small market team…..a total nightmare for the NFL ….add in San Diego travelling across the country to play an early game the week after playing the game of their life against the Super Bowl Champs (I refuse to call them World Champions, shoving 4 games a season down our throat in England HARDLY makes this an international sport)…this has classic letdown game written all over it….for BOTH teams, but the more I expect the Bills to FAIL….the better they seem to do….for now…sorry Sanborn….I just gotta BILLieve this week (not as cool as BOlieving mind you….but I set the bar low in life)

Winner: Bills

Game Quality: *** ½

 

Tennessee at Cincinnati:

Did the Titans just lay an egg last week against Dallas, or was the win against the Chiefs a sign of how disastrous the Chiefs really are this year? On the other side of this game, the Bengals have been solid and even looked REALLY good at home without AJ Green in the line-up….if Dallas can run like mad on the Titans I can only imagine what the Bengals can do with Gio and Hill running the ball, add in a good defense to make Jake Locker look as lousy as he is….and I think I found my survivor pick this week just in typing up this game….not much to see here but counting the fantasy points!

Winner: Bengals

Game Quality: **

 

Ravens at Browns:

The Browns beating the Saints last week was the biggest upset since the 1-2-3 Kid rolled up Razor Ramon on Monday Night Raw!!! (like seriously, that was a HUGE deal way back when….)…this win might be the best thing to happen to the Browns all season….it keeps that next in line first round QB failure of theirs in waiting on the bench and out of the game (I swear to Christ every time I see a team pull this “put the backup QB in for a gimmick play” crap I wanna go Adrian Peterson on someone….)….least the Browns have a good defense, and with Terrence West running the ball a solid attack….the Ravens I still don’t have a true feel for yet….yeah they’re nice at home, but the running game is still suspect , Flacco is meh on the road, and I’m not sold on this defense…..asking the Browns and the Bills to BOTH be winning teams even after week 3 is just asking for our space/time continuum to just COLLAPSE around us…I just can’t do it…though if Cleveland DOES win this you won’t  hear the name “Manzell” all year…CMON CLEVELAND!!!! (but I’m not expecting it to happen)

Winner:  Ravens

Game Quality: ** ¾

 

Green Bay at Detroit:

Now here’s a game that should tell us something about both these teams….the Lions looked rather ordinary when an actual top-flight defense was out there (is this a shot at that awful mess the Giants out out there….you betcha!)….the Packers showed something last week, the Jets made one small mistake and the Packers opened the floodgates….I’m not sure about either one of these defenses, but I’m certainly a bigger fan of the Packer offense, its balance and certainly its Quarterback….whoever gets the lead first in this game should be able to set the tone and run away with this one….and going on history, you just gotta like the Packers here….

Winner: Packers

Game Quality: ** ¾

 

Minnesota at New Orleans:

The Saints should be kissing the Vikings feet right now……seriously….why?? Well think about it….if the mob wasn’t all over the AP situation (yes the mob was angry BEFORE with Ray Rice, but the pitchforks, torches and hot oil started brewing when AP was brought into this mess)….think about how much we’d be talking about the 0-2 Saints, and how HORRIBLE their defense is (its like Rob Ryan stopped being a DC and started being the conditioning coach instead)…..and now that the Vikings caved to the peer and advertising pressure (and don’t for ONE SECOND think this is the Vikings “doing the right thing” this is fearing the mob and the money backlash)…..Mr Peterson won’t be shredding their defense this week….this is also the Saints are back at home, they had BETTER win all 8 home games this year with the 0-2 start and this game was served  up on a silver platter….the only shot the Vikings have is if Cordelle Patterson has a Hall of Fame worthy game…basically the Vikings are screwed….DAMN YOU ANGRY MOB!!!!

Winner: Saints

Game Quality: ** (thank God this will be on mute, the AP-babble would be painful)

 

Houston at NY Giants:

I only wish this game was in December….speaking of angry mobs….this Texican defense is one of those (but one we’re ok with)…..the Giant offense line….man I’d have loved to have seen this game as a birthday gift!!! The Giants can’t block, can’t defend….and God help me….Ryan INTs-patrick is gonna be 3-0 and going to Buffalo next week…..I honestly wonder if Eli survives this game….breaking his Iron Man streak would be a nifty notch on the Houston belt….yeah I might have to sit back and enjoy this ass kicking a bit myself!!! Eli may end up in the fetal position whimpering more than McCabe does during Giants games!!!

Winner: Texicans

Game Quality: DUD (this will be ugly, but damn I will enjoy it!)

 

Washington at Phily:

Ahhhh, the grudge match of the year we’d be hearing to death about….you know….if football experts actually talked about FOOTBALL and weren’t  too damn busy showing off their legal knowledge and powers of false sympathy and fake social awareness…..anyway…..D-Jax would have played in this game if he needed an electric motor scooter to run fly patterns in….I’m not worried about that…not like the REDSKINS would have missed his 90 yards receiving this year….but you can be damn sure you’ll get an A game from him….and he’s got the right QB in there….Kirk Cousins seems more the guy for the Gruden offense RG Injury #3 was…he spread the ball around, makes good decisions….and frankly as opposed to lil Theismann there….he’s comfortable and not over-pressuring to show the world “by golly I can do this!”…the Eagles have been a bit lucky this year….the adjustments against Jacksonville were good, coming back on the Eagles (and I’m still waiting for the most obvious defensive hold in history that was never called….amazing how Goodell crawls into his whole and the game of football comes back to us…), the Redskins have the best defense the Eagles have seen this year (not saying much I know)….and also probably, and again not saying much, the best defense in the NFC East….its just a matter of can the REDSKINS do enough to slow down McCoy and Sproles (and If the Eagles don’t miss D-Jax its because Sporles replaced him and then some!)….this should be another fun high scoring affair….but the Eagles are due to slip up and not pull one more out their ass again like they have twice already….plus dammit I picked the REDSKINS to win the NFC East and they just upgraded their QB…..

Winner: REDSKINS

Game Quality: ***

 

Colts at Jaguars:

I think Chad Henne just got sacked by Orakpo AGAIN this afternoon….Jesus Christ that was a horrific beating he took against the Redskins last week….it almost gets forgotten since we all saw Griffin channel his inner Joe Theismann in that game too….but that could have been the worst display of “blocking” since the NFL got busted with the Ray Rice tape….lucky for them the Colts can’t rush the quarterback without calling in an air strike and parachutes….but the Colts are 0-2 and desperate as hell….the Jaguars are a bit more used to being 0-2….and frankly just too young and too not ready….it would be kinda cool to see the Colts go 0-3 and legit struggle for once….hell they could tank for a new QB even (I kid), but this is the week the Colts get it right and all you need to do to win the awful AFC South is go 6-0 in the division after all…..

Winner: Colts

Game Quality: **

 

Oakland at New England:

Well this is a gimmie….look at what the Pats did to the Vikings without AP last week….the Oakland offense is just about that bad….add in some Patriot offense, shake, stir and pour shots….this is gonna be a class A ass kicking that will tell us NOTHING about the Patriots this year…..

Winner: Patriots

Game Quality:  DUD (in the old days the Pats win this by 50)

 

4pm:

49ers at Arizona:

This is not an easy game to get a feel for….the Cardinals look like one of those fake 2-0 teams (yes I mean you too Houston),  and still having as many problems as answers….though it was nice to see Drew Stanton (wasn’t like he a bust Third Baseman for the Yankees or something) get the dust off and fill in for Carson Palmer against a Giants team that even Rutgers wouldn’t get intercepted FIVE TIMES against (and God how WONDERFUL was that game to watch??)…and then there’s the 49ers….and the Black Tebow I know and love so well….throwing to those wide open Bears defenders and getting sacked left and right  ….one side note….how funny was it to see Jonathan Martin get bullied and tossed around by the Bears defense?? (or are bullying jokes no longer OK since the mob has moved on to the newer issue of the week?)…the Niners should be able to run the ball still this week and maybe being away from the house that Jay Cutler built ….you know the one nowhere near San Francisco….might be the best thing for the 49ers…I wish I could pick a tie here….ties are cool and I’m not enthralled with either team….

Winner:  49ers

Game Quality: **

 

Kansas City at Miami:

I’ve kinda punched out on the Chiefs this year…..they have an all-pro team on the injured list….Andy Reid doesn’t adjust for crap….at least “West” Knile Davis can do a helluva Jamaal Charles impression, the rest of the offense is pretty horrid….the one thing the Chiefs have is they still have those two big pass rushers on the suspect Miami O-Line that the Bills carved up last week….no Moreno to help and pass block makes this an issue too…..but like I said…I’ve punched out on the Chiefs, too many injuries and last year’s good fortune is being paid for in full this year…I should say something funny in here so I’ll use my comment from last week when they panned to Andy Reid and I said “holy sh!t Reid looks like he should be the entire right side of the offensive line!!”…Weight Watchers Andy….get on that!!!!

Winner: Miami

Game Quality:  **

 

Denver at Seattle:

Gee how CONVIENENT….Wes Welker gets reinstated just in time for this game…..fascinating coincidence….just one more guy for the Seattle defense to shut down and keep in check….this game being in Seattle makes it a lot easier to love the Seahawks, no team defends their home field better (well maybe the Saints, but damn its close)….Denver damn near blew it last week against the Chiefs…and while you can say that’s a wake up call…..the call the Seahawks got from San Diego was a louder one, add in the Seattle style of play tends to beat up the style Denver plays…and I do love seeing Peyton Manning sulk on the sideline and all, always good theater to see that massive forehead sinking on the sideline….Good teams like Seattle don’t lose two games in a row, and you know for damn sure they’ll be up and running in this game….

Winner:  Seattle

Game Quality:  ***

 

8pm:

Steelers at Carolina:

Boy NBC must be FUMING about this game….aside of it being the name and rep of the Steelers this game has ZERO prime time appeal (no offense meant to the Panthers, this should NOT be a Sunday Night Game)….yeah CAMMM is a big name and all…but these teams are kinda blah, I’d rather this be a 4pm game I’d be all into it….anyway…..the Steelers O-Line issues showed up again last week, they couldn’t get ANYTHING going on offense last week….and now they play an actual top-tier defense….I do have to admit I got caught up in the hype from some of the XM Radio NFL shows I listen to about the Steeler Defense (Jim Miller and Pat Kerwin do a fantastic job and they have much cred in my eyes), but boy that was a swing and a miss…..maybe almost as bad as putting the Saints in the Super Bowl this year…oops…..the Carolina billion dollar backfield is actually earning their money this year….Benjamin is a rare rookie wideout actually producing …and home field….yeah this has Carolina written all over it…

Winner:  Panthers

Game Quality:  ** (This could be Bowling Shoe Ugly..)

 

Monday Sept 22:

Chicago at NY Jets:

Man the Prime Time games are a bit of a letdown this week aren’t they?? The Bears had the mother of all comebacks on the 49ers last week….and play a similar type team this week in the Jets…running team, inconsistent QB play….good front 7, but weak secondary….yeah…sounds familiar….meanwhile the Jets ***TIME OUTTTTT has been called….all good things about to be said about the Jets never happened ***….it’s scary to feel all good about the Bears ….Cutler does have a habit of just when you think he’s gotten it….he does tend to blow up the next week…its just hard to pick against those big receivers against that Jets pass defense….it might be ugly… it might be awkward (hell this write up feels a lil awkward here)….but I just like that Bears offense too much to go against it here…..

Winner:  da BEARSSSSS

Game Quality: **

 

NFL Week 2 Power Rankings:

AFC:

  1. Denver…their pseudo-Super Bowl is NOW
  2. Bengals….soli, bland, but still a good start….
  3. Houston….for now…and with Goodell in hiding, defense IS allowed again
  4. Buffalo…BILL-ieving is a more gooder thinger!!!
  5. Ravens….Quote the Manta….nevermore…..

NFC:

  1. Seattle….I can’t do it off one bad loss…..
  2. Carolina….looking damned solid and only one of 3 2-0’s left in the NFC
  3. Phily….out comeback’ed Captain Comeback…still not sold on their defense….
  4. Arizona….how in THE HELL are they 2-0?!?!?!?
  5. 49ers….not the panic button, but they certainly are on the watch list……

NFL Week 2!!!

11 September 2014 - 04:02 PM

  I had a theme all planned out for this week….every year the NFL opens and we have all these expectations going into the first week of the year….the first week plays and in one week all those damned thoughts and expectations instantly go up in smoke and the whole world goes OMG EVEYR THING IS BACKWARDS…..DOGS MARRY CATS, RAIN GOES BACKWARDS…you name it….the world goes nuts and overreacts…..and then TMZ in a well calculated attention ploy (don’t  sell THAT short as a coincidence either)…drops an unreleased video that only shows what the man ALREADY ADMITTED HE DID….but OH MY GOD WE MUST OVERREACT….bah, if it makes Goodell have to step down, I’ll be ok with it….anyway….like I was trying to say…..gotta stay the course and NOT freak out about week 1….and joy….gotta talk about the Ravens first…..

 

Thursday Sept 11:

Steelers at Ravens:

Talk about things being swept under the bus here…..lest we forget, the first ever special teams tackle made by an active head coach….yeah that happened the last time these teams met up too….also forgotten in the Rice-Gate stuff is that the Ravens are now a terrible running team (and from a football perspective Rice was terrible and painfully in the decline and from a football standpoint letting Rice go helps them too)….let’s try to take this from a football point of view….yes the Steelers almost blew it to the Browns after taking their foot off the gas, but the Ravens don’t have a back like Terrance West to lead their rushing attack….and anytime the Ravens have to pass 50+ times its gonna get ugly for them….plus the Cleveland near-comeback is only going to serve as a wakeup call to this young and improved Steelers defense…..also don’t sell this short week short…ESPECIALLY with the scum and vultures in the media annoying the Ravens for Ray Rice quotes….and you only have 2-3 days to game plan?? Yeah that’s a mess…..there’s NO WAY on God’s Green Earth the Ravens are fully ready to play football tonight…..but as an NFL fan I will sit, salute and appreciate your sacrifice….as it needed be done to FINALLY bring down Roger Goodell….it’s all good guys!!! (I was gonna rant more on him and how people have lost their sh!t over this video….but I’m done with this….)

Winner:  Steelers

Game Quality: *** (+1 star for being the END of this Ray Rice nonsense)

 

Sunday Sept 14:

1pm:

Miami at Buffalo:

This is a HUGE AFC East game….well as huge as they get early in the season….Miami has a chance to get a leg up on the rest and go 2-0 in the AFC East….hell Buffalo had a BIG win last week too finally winning in Chicago…the defense looked good and got turnovers…and the running game by committee was solid….the ownership in Buffalo has stabilized and it looks (and rightfully so) the Bills will be STAYING in Buffalo….Jim Kelly is cancer-free….things are looking DAMN GOOD in Buffalo aren’t they?? (and hell unlike Calgary its not snowing like mad there)….but with all football insight aside….sh!t is just going too well for the Bills….it’s still Buffalo…..something’s bound to go wrong…..so this is a gimmie pick this week….(not to mention Miami looked damned awesome in that second half and their D should be able to easily rattle EJ Losman!)

Winner: Miami

Game Quality: ***

 

Lions at Panthers:

Intriguing game….the Panthers had a HELL of a game last week breaking through Tampa’s offensive line and not giving McNown or the Tampa offense a SECOND to breathe…. Derek Anderson did the classic “manage the game” mantra….the billion dollar backfield ran well for once and they pulled out a game no one gave them a chance in hell at…..I’m not going to go too crazy about the Lions ripping the Giants a new one….the Giants are THAT bad this year…..but it will be interesting to see how this diverse and talented offense (though the running game needs be better than it was last week) is handled by this all-world Carolina defense….*ugh*….I really don’t have a feel for this game….it could go either way….I guess I’ll just take the cop out and lean on the home team…..I should do that from now on when I’m in doubt….

Winner: Panthers

Game Quality: ** ¾

 

Atlanta at Cincinnati:

Another weird game of two 1-0 teams that I don’t feel many expected to be this at this point….the Bengals looked solid enough against the Ravens and the pop-gun running game, while the Falcons offense ripped that Saints defense up so badly…even Rob Ryan has gone silent….but Atlanta did that not only at home….but in the friendly confines of a domed stadium…..given it’s not exactly frozen tundra yet in Cinci…and Atlanta’s defense isn’t exactly gonna just down the Bengal attack or the Phenomenal AJ Green …add in some home cooking….a team that can actually PLAY defense and not just talk about it all off-season…..and once again….here I am liking the home team…..

Winner: Bengals

Game Quality: **

 

Saints at Browns:

This is a harder game to gauge then it was about 12 days ago isn’t it?? This vaunted Saints defense, like its coach started out as more talk than actual action…..the Browns have a solid defense and once Ben Tate left the game hurt the Browns moved the ball nicely with Terrence West balancing the game out for them….and lord knows the Saints got gashed in the ground and the air last week on defense…good God I sound like I’m picking the Browns here….that’s madness….maybe the Saints need some more reps to actually get all the upgrades on the same page (God knows you can’t do that in practice or pre-season anymore….)….and you’d have to think this is going to be a VERY pissed off Saints team coming out and taking it out on the Browns….I just hope Hoyer can play well enough to keep Johnny Backup off the field, I’d expect a better Saints team this week since the Browns don’t have the Julio Jones-type player to really give the Saints fits….and 0-2 for the team I expected to see in the Super Bowl….that’s a disaster (least they haven’t played at home….yet)….now I just feel like I’m justifying my Saints pick…screw that…they’re just better….

Winner: Saints

Game Quality: **

 

Patriots at Vikings:

Another game that if you over-analyze the Week 1 results will make you crazy….the Patriot D got rolled over in the second half…..the Pats couldn’t run the ball on Miami…..and Brady was weeping like it was a recent Super Bowl…..the Vikings just beat up on a Rams team that if you listen close enough, you can hear the air fizzling quickly out of the balloon….the Pats haven’t lost two games in a row in like forevers and it doesn’t happen often in the Belicheck/Brady Era….can the Patriots slow down Adrian Peterson though?? If they can do that….they win….I’d love to say they know Matt Cassel well from his days as Brady’s clipboard holder….but if you need that kinda knowledge to beat Matt Cassel….you’re in trouble anyway….and if anything, the trend is take the good team off a loss playing the team you’re not so sure about coming off a win….its hard to think X’s and O’s when even the NFL Network has become the damn Court Channel and spending all its time covering the ass of its damn commish….anyway…yeah….the good team…..right…..moving on……

Winner: Patriots

Game Quality: ** ¾

 

Arizona at NY Giants:

….maybe this is why I was stalling in the New England game…look at the hot garbage I have to talk about in the next two games…..holy hell this is ugly!!!! The Giants looked as bad…if not worse….than any other losing team last week (except maybe the Redskins)…the only player who looked somewhat decent was Rashad Jennings….but as an ex-Raider he’s used to playing well in the middle of a pile of garbage….Arizona had to hold on to the very end against the Chargers….and not only ignore Larry Fitz all game but his crazy father’s rantings on the internets….the Cardinals say they will only throw to the open guy and not design plays for players…WORRY NOT, between the Giants crappy pass rush and turnover-prone offense there shall be PLENTY of opportunity for said Cardinal players and should look much better feasting on a crappy Giants team now….this should be a fun mini-game to play….Over/Under on elINT and how many he throws into that Cardinal secondary….I’ll set it at 3…..and GO!

Winner: Cardinals

Game Quality: ** (one for each time Fitz is targeted)

 

Dallas at Tennessee:

Speaking of teams that had a forgettable week one….there’s always the Cowboys….not only can they look as horrible as possible….but they can’t even be entertaining about it (amazing how the Jerry Jones harassment thing is now being swept under the rug as the commissioner is getting tarred feathered and burned….awful convenient)….thing just collapsed early and often around the Cowboys….maybe possibly Tony Romo is not 100% from all his back stuff….but try to imagine how horrid Brandon Weedon would have looked last week….Good God….even I can’t…..and I want to see Dallas be so bad it kills Jerry Jones (and yes I’m ok with that being a literal death)…you can’t even tell how the Cowboy defense was since it was 14-0 before they even got on the damn field….while the Titans dished out an impressive thrashing on the Chiefs last week (they beat them so bad the Chiefs FORGOT about Jamaal Charles)….one team is looking well-coached, smart and playing like a team….the other is the Cowboys….CONTINUE THE BLOOD LETTING….I may have to watch this just because it could be anti-football worthy……

Winner: Titans

Game Quality: *** (one star to see Jerry squirm like his favorite stripper is standing behind him)

 

Jacksonville at Washington:

The Jaguars looked pretty damn good for a half, and then the Eagles adjusted and whipped them….the Redskins simply got beaten on all game long (especially Griffin….good God he bumped like a McMahon….or worse….an old Bills QB)…it made it really hard to judge the Redskin performance last week…well aside of saying their o-line got their asses kicked….the Jags are a young team, and it’s also hard to tell how they’re going to respond to blowing a game in the way they did last week….and there’s going to be a TON of pressure on Griffin …..a loss here and the noise and chatter for a QB switch is gonna start to pick up and get nasty….at least the Redskin offense is built similar in players to the Eagles one…a few adjustments and some pass protection and I’d like to think the Redskins bounce back….a loss at home to the Jaguars is just nothing short of disastrous….and with Dallas and the Giants, the NFC East has enough disasters :P…I only wish Phil Simms was calling this game so he had to see REDSKINS written all over!!

Winner: REDSKINS

Game Quality: ** ¾

 

4pm:

Seattle at San Diego:

….considering what the Seahawks did to the Packers last week this could be an ugly go, the Packers are better offensively in every way shape and form…and San Diego just lost to a lesser version of Seattle too…Seattle might be feeling too good about itself and has had ten days to get pats on the back on how awesome they are….but I don’t think Pete Carroll is gonna let that take them off course…I’d love to make a case for San Diego since I am such a Rivers guy….but I can’t…..at least the Non-Denver part of the AFC West is all gonna be 0-2 after this week….there won’t be much to see here…..

Winner: Seattle

Game Quality: **

 

St Louis at Tampa Bay:

Two teams who came into this year with big expectations….one of them is gonna fall flat on their face and probably be DONE by week 2 (especially if the Rams lose this one with everyone else in that NFC West being good….and winning games….a two game hole might as well be 12 right now….)…Tampa’s O-line is a mess, and St Louis is going to be out a key D-Line guy in Long (ironic, it’s usually the OFFENSIVE Long is normally the hurt one….)…the Rams are a mess at QB now…my Shaun Hill hopes lasted about as long as the Cowboys did in Week 1….Its an easy choice when the team that’s a bit less of a mess, also has the better players on it…this could be a bloody train wreck to watch though!!!

Winner: Tampa

Game Quality: **

 

Chiefs at Denver:

Hey could SOMEONE remind Andy Reid he has Jamaal Charles and it’s OK to use him in the second half of a game when his QB looks like dog sh!t and the offense is doing nothing all game?? That would be sweet….thanks….your now overpaid QB would love the same….and maybe get him a damn receiver that can catch the ball once a month too that would be nice…..then again none of that is gonna matter today…add in some nasty week 1 defensive injuries for the Chiefs….and the regular season run up the score machine as their opponents….and a very bitter Bills fan is going to be ecstatic to see the chiefs start the year 0-2 and looking worse by the week….

Winner: Broncos

Game Quality: DUD

 

NY Jets at Packers:

Few teams got their asses kicked as heartily as the Packers did last week….then again it was the perfect storm…defending champs, raising the banner in their house…bad matchup….people still whining about the “replacement refs made the right call catch but god forbid the Packers lose” play….landmines all over the place and the Packers stepped in most of them….this week may be a little better….while the front 7 and the running game will be very Seattle like….the Jet secondary leaves a LOT to be desired and if the Packers use a good quick short passing game they should be able to win some matchups…having a healthy Eddie Lacy back will help too….it also helps that Geno is no Russel Wilson and the Jets did make enough mistakes on offense last week….it’s just Derek Carr had NO CHANCE against that defense…however A-Rod will make them pay if they do the same this week….plus its in Green Bay,  the Packers are better there, and since the Jets won last week…they can sit at 1-1 and still be kinda happy about things….the Packers will be in a world of trouble at 0-2….good team off a loss at home, playing a team they are better than on the road….seems to be a theme…much like stay the course and don’t overreact…….

Winner: Packers

Game Quality: ***

 

Houston at Oakland:

I am truly an evil lil man….I am soooo upset that Matt Schaub isn’t playing this game…think of the revenge and pain an angry Houston team that has pretty much blamed Captain Pick 6 for all 14 of their losses today….a team who’s QB play was SO BAD that Ryan INT’s-Patrick was the QB answer….the main reason Andre Johnson wanted the hell out of town…at least he finally got that stooge Kubiak fired in the process….but anyway….Derek Carr thought he had it bad with the Jet defense last week?? I wish I could watch the film of the Redskin/Houston game with him….it would be like a horror movie triple feature compared to what the Jets showed him…I really can’t make a case for the Raiders…no matter how hard I try….unless their fine upstanding all American citizens storm the field and stab JJ Watt (in Oakland this is still kinda possible)….but that withstanding….Houston’s gonna killlll youuuuuuu….no this is not me retratcing my “Houston is trash” pre-season breakdown….this is the reality of the fact that this defense is gonna look like a charge from an old Viking movie and run killing and slaying all things in Raider black…hell, I’d lay even odds on the 11 Houston defenders taking out all the fans too if they had to…..

Winner: Texicans

Game Quality: ** (though I am looking forward to seeing Carr get treated like his brother…)

 

8pm:

Bears at 49ers:

Man, which 49er player threatened to beat up the NFL Schedule Maker’s wife eh?? First they get the Cowboys….now they get the “Cowboys North” in the Bears….both big receivers are a bit banged up…hell Marshall is used to that….I expect both to play…..and maybe Jay Cutler and the Golden Arm can make some plays against a still less than world beating 49er secondary….but the Niners could probably run for 300 yards against this awful Bears defense…Cutler will make enough mistakes to screw this up…not to mention this is a homecoming game for the new stadium….let the beatdown ensue….which is good it will give Al Michaels and Collinsworth PLENTY of time to talk all holier than thou and bore us to pieces with their incredible views on the Ray Rice incident and make all kinds of excuses for Goodell until Tony Dungy and company bore us into a coma at halftime…..

Winner: 49ers

Game Quality: * ¾ (do you like your Jay Culter INTs served medium rare or well done?)

 

Monday Sept 15:

Eagles at Colts:

NOW THIS IS THE KINDA GAME THE NFL COVETS!!! No defense anywhere, the ball flying left right and sideways….absurd wacky no huddle warp speed and fast forwarded offense s all over….and all these marquis players….oh my!!! ESPN was done right on this one….and I don’t have to hear Chris Berman do pay by play for another damn year…PRAISE THE JESUS!!! All wisecracks in the open this should be a fun watch…the Warp Speed vs the no-huddle….though I am a bit worried about the Eagles O-Line (scary that the only good line in the NFC East is the Cowboys’ one)…Lord knows the line problems are why the Eagles struggled and put many people’s survivor picks on life support (look on the bright side….we can’t pick ‘em again now)….the Colts showed a lot of guts and it’s become a trait of them under Andrew Luck….no lead is too big….or too uncatchable….I don’t think they’ll need a massive comeback in this one, they should be able to go shot for shot with the Eagles and win this one in the end…..

Winner:  Colts

Game Quality: **** (this will be fun!!)

 

NFL Week 1 Power Rankings:

AFC:

  1. Denver…blah blah, regular season…blah blah Peyton Manning
  2. Miami…all you need is a good second half….
  3. Bengals…pulled one out NO ONE expected them to….
  4. Buffalo…hell why not, they deserve good news while it lasts….
  5. Houston…that defense is nasty as hell, but so is their QB play

NFC:

  1. Seattle….DUH
  2. Carolina….see the Houston comments, but add a gutty effort by a filling in Derek Anderson
  3. Phily….also buying into the “let’s just play the second half” theory like the Dolphins
  4. Detroit….good pass rush, balanced offense….get back to me in November
  5. 49ers….”you’re welcome” – Tony Romo

NFL Week 1!!!

04 September 2014 - 05:59 PM

Labor Day has passed….the fantasy drafts are over….the hype has begun…the refs are warming up their penalty flags arms….they’re gonna NEED them….LET THERE BE FOOTBALL….and let it be good….kinda?? Well as much as it can be with no defense being allowed, and Goodell handing out more fines and suspensions than touchdowns….anyway…I ranted enough in the previews….LET’S DO THIS!!!

 

Thursday Sept 4:

Green Bay at Seattle:

OMG WE MUST MENTION THE FAIL MARY (God I hate that name, since they got the fraking call right, but people went all nuts because it was the thing to do to bag on the replacement refs….cause really “the real ones” were sooo much better….righhttt)…least now after this damn game I can NEVER HAVE TO HEAR THAT AGAIN….well unless of course Seattle wins the same way tonight…..that would be amazing!!! But all theatrics and NFL hates defense propaganda aside (and note to the NFL, the more you tighten the screws on “defense”….the fewer penalties the Seahawks took….try NONE in the pre-season from the starts)….Seattle doesn’t lose at home, the Packers are gonna have a huge hole in their defense without the huge BJ Raji clogging up the run, and that just plays right into the Seattle wheelhouse….the Packers will be better, but this game tends to be a coronation for the defending champs….and the match-up tends to agree with it….

Winner: Seattle

Game Quality: **** (the NFL always opens strong)

 

Sunday Sept 7:

1pm:

Saints at Falcons:

At least these two teams do flat out HATE each other, even if I think Atlanta is still soft and questionable in the positions that really matter on the field (and God that scares the life out of me having Matt Ryan in one of my five leagues this year, couldn’t help it the chance to line up some easy money from my main customers flunkies was too much to pass up, even with three draft nights in a row…oi)….and damn I love this Saints team (they are my Super Bowl pick after all)….and Rob Ryan’s gonna wanna loosen that belt (God knows it needs it or that alien hiding in his stomach is gonna run out of air) and blitz the piss out of the Falcons….and with no legit running game to slow down that pass rush…YES THE SAINTS WILL WIN BECAUSE OF DEFENSE…two in a row….SUCK IT GOODELL!!!! Not to mention Drew Brees will light this crappy Atlanta defense up like a Christmas Tree…..

Winner: Saints

Game Quality: ***

 

Bengals at Ravens:

I DEFY you to find two more overpaid and financially overrated QBs then the two in this game….I can wait….this will take a while (after all by the time you read this I’m done writing and really don’t give a damn how long you take…)….the Bengals never beat the Ravens in Baltimore (and Flacco is only second to Brady in home record as a starter) ….hell the Bengals don’t beat the Ravens ANYWHERE in September…Steve Smith is gonna be fired up to go (when isn’t he fired up??)….If Bernard Pierce trips at the line and falls forward the Ravens won’t miss Ray Rice at all since that’s all he was about good for….the Raven defense looks ready and the adjustment to the new coordinators for the Bengals….and we all know I just don’t trust ginger QBs….head coach ones…or current ones (though Andy…if I were you…spend some of that money you’re stealing and get the face fixed…you UGLY kid….)…the only chance the Bengals have is AJ Green going stupid….or the running game running wild like HulkAMania….and we all know what I thought about HulkAMania….not this week ….BROTHER….

Winner: Ravens

Game Quality: ***

 

Bills at Bears:

This is an intriguing one….a leaky, porous defense against an inept, stumbling offense that can’t find its way under EJ Losman…dammit….I did it again….MANUEL…at least the Bills can count on Fred Jackson and that running game (plus TE Chandler is NOTOROUS for a 2 TD game here getting fantasy owners all creamy and then ending the year with those two TDs)….the battle on the other side is the one to watch though….the Bills front 4 is awesome…the LBs are good too and they play aggressive and turnover happy….and few QBs love to give it up like Jay Cutler does….can’t blame Cutler if I was chucking it to Marshall and Jeffery, I’d go Air Coryelle too…usually I’d trust Cutler to screw this up….but I don’t like this match up for the Bills at all…maybe if it was in Buffalo (gotta get those home games out of the way so we can move them somewhere relevant, right??)….home cooking wins out again….

Winner: Bears

Game Quality: ** ¾

 

Washington at Houston:

Oh boy…I’m still trying to flush from the massive dump I took on the Texans last week (and rightfully so….they realized Ryan INT-Patrick is so bad they BEGGED the Patriots to give them Mallett after all….doesn’t help them this week)…given that Robert Griffin didn’t provide full confidence in the world with his pre-season and this Houston defense is still a killer squad….but I don’t think this team has forgotten last year….and INT-Patrick is gonna live up to his name and make some mistakes early and it’s gonna be….aw crap….here we go again, and the REDSKINS (I need to find reason to say that name more anyway) are going to cash in on the mistakes….and the REDSKIN defense is underrated anyway will help force these mistakes….the REDSKINS will get out of the gate good this year and everyone will feel better in REDSKIN-land (hear that Phil Simms… REDSKINS REDSKINS REDSKINS…nyyyaaahhhh), the road to the Golden Ticket starts and ends in Texas….fitting enough…..this could get ugly though if Griffin turns this into a turnover-Bowl

Winner: REDSKINS

Game Quality: Welcome back anti-football!!! <3

 

Titans at Chiefs:

And here’s our first potential stinker of the week….though if anyone can fix Jake Locker…it IS Ken Wissenhunt….he doesn’t have a lot to work with….adequate receivers….a VERY unproven running game….and who in the blue hell is on their defense?? I guess we’ll get to see them as Jamaal Charles blows right past them….I’m not high on the Chiefs…especially with Dwayne Bowe taking the game off for celebrating 4:20 day….the Chiefs still have their pass rush and they can still make plays on defense and Alex Smith is the classic “don’t screw it up on the other end” QB…that’s a recipe to start the season 1-0…..I’d be damned intrigued to see how Locker does in this game if THERE WASN”T TEN GAMES ON AT ONE THIS WEEK….dammit NFL…the more I’m glad you’re back….the more you piss me off….oh well…Red Zone snipets for me….

Winner: Chiefs

Game Quality: **

 

Patriots at Miami:

I’m sure we’ll have this game on too…provided Brian’s allowed out of the house :P….but its one of those classic “show me” kinda games….the Patriots D is supposedly the best they’ve had since they had to turn in the video cameras and spy kits…and should have an easy time with a non-threatening running game and still unproven pass protection….yeah the Dolphins D should play the Pats tough and make things difficult for Tom Brady….but even this offense has had a full season to get used to each other…..and Gronk should be on the field…New England has too many weapons and Miami’s just NOT on their level….same old AFC East…..but don’t worry AFC East fans….Tom Brady is only gonna be there till he sucks, right?? No worries!!!

Winner: Pats

Game Quality: ** ¾

 

Raiders at Jets:

This has all the makings of the anti-football EPIC of the year… shame we won’t watch it because I don’t waste our precious TVs on the local games I could see at home…the Jet offense should be improved with Johnson, Decker and a full year of Geno at the helm…and while the Jet secondary needs two upgrades to get to “bad” Rex is gonna blitz the ever loving piss out of a starry eyed rookie named Carr….hell by the end of the game he’s gonna look and feel like Daivd Carr….given Rex’s record of eating rookie QB’s alive and the Raiders just not being together enough to have a feel or a chemistry….this is an easy one to pick the Jets for….let the bandwagonning begin……

Winner: Jets

Game Quality: Anti-football runner-up of the week!

 

Jacksonville at Phily:

This one’s pretty easy to digest too….I love what Jacksonville has done and I am a bit higher on them than most….buttttt, they don’t have the guns…or the QB (yet) to keep up with the warp speed hyperactive offense, and all their weapons all over the place…the Jags will win a few this week and Phily did struggle at home….but I’d be reaching HARD to make a case for Jacksonville….and I’m only 5’7” I don’t reach far for nothing….

Winner: Eagles

Game Quality: ** (Warp Factor Two….ENGAGE!)

 

Browns at Steelers:

DAMN YOU…..DAMN YOU ALL TO HELLLL…..I so BADLY wanted to see the Steeler defense carve up Johnny FAIL and do the money dance over his shredded carcass this week….but I don’t get that….instead we get Brian Hoyer thrown under the bus and dragged to the wolves so they can make use of his soon to be 0-3 flesh….the Steelers are upgraded on offense and added speed on defense…..the Browns D might make this tough…but probably only till half time….I just hope the smug douche Steeler fans stay away….not likely…they love to crawl out during the easy wins to puff their chests…..

Winner: Steelers

Game Quality: *

 

Vikings at Rams:

Oh boy…this could be the hardest game to pick this week…I love the Rams, I’m a big Shaun Hill supporter (in all irony his last start was against said Vikings….go figure), and maybe in year 2 the Rams figure out how to make Tavon Austin into a midget Percy Harvin….Kenny Britt isn’t totally useless (I doubt it)… Zac Stacey should be effective against a weak Vikings D….and the Rams can totally win this one on D alone, just keep Peterson quiet (since I don’t own him this year, he’s dead to me…)….and just harass the holy hell outta Matt Cassel….that’s enough reason to think the Rams get out of the gate winning the way they’re gonna NEED to….ugly….

Winner: Rams

Game Quality: **

 

4pm:

49ers at Dallas:

**sigh**….before half the 49er team went to play for team Alcatraz this was a no-brainer….now not so much….the 49er D isn’t scary anymore….the pass rush isn’t deep and the Dallas Offensive Line should be able to protect Romo and make running lanes for the six times a game they give the ball to Murray….and Dallas can spread the ball and use matchups and score on anyone….that means the 49ers are going to have to go TD for TD with the Cowboys….. given Frank Gore can run for 250 this week and make me look like a fantasy genius….he’s gonna NEED to, since we all know I don’t trust Black Tebow (yes that is officially my new name for Colin Eat-A-Dick….I like it better personally) ….but to be fair he did SHRED an equally as terrible Packer defense in the 49er opener last season….and then sucked for a month….this is gonna be high scoring….and part of me wants to take the Cowboys….but dammit…they’re the Cowboys…..time to go change my pick ‘em pick….if I have to choose between a Harbuagh and the evil Ginger Scum, I’ll trust Jim’s unborn Great Grandson before I trust Jason Garrett in a big spot….

Winner: 49ers

Game Quality: ***

 

Carolina at Tampa Bay:

This is pretty simple for me….the two defenses will pretty much wash each other out, I’m still praising Jesus and Friends for getting Schiano and his buck toothed idiocy out of the NFL…and the Carolina offense is painfully bad, while I’m very high on McNown this year and his ability to get the ball to his tall big-play receivers….get some running out of Doug Martin…it won’t be glorious to watch…but I damn well will….I need to turn my back on the Cowboys enough that afternoon….and Schiano-free starts off the season with a victory!!!!

Winner: Tampa Bay

Game Quality: * ¾

 

8pm:

Colts at Denver:

OMG DID YOU KNOW THAT PEYTON MANNING WAS ONCE A COLT?? WOW!! And somehow this franchise didn’t burn to the ground when he left….though the Broncos seem on their way to it…. Decker is gone, Welker got concussed so hard he forgot the drugs he was on (helluva excuse for your super-secret hearing about the violation….and amazing how his was totally hidden)….and also as amazing that the suspension was announced the same day they mentioned Irsay’s one too….what does an owner suspension mean anyway?? Can he not sit in the owner’s box and look like a fool on TV….if so…can Jerry Jones pop a few beers and get pulled over?? Boy I can rant forever can’t I?? As for the game….the Colts O-Line is a bit leaky (I admit I’d love to see Peyton take the sh!t-kicking that Luck takes on a weekly basis)….this is the perfect week for Demarcus Ware to get two early sacks in this game, everyone kiss his ass and call him the greatest ever and then go Puff the Magic Dragon and go invisible for another month… not to mention the Colts have no running game (hell Trent Richardson makes Ray Rice look like Jim Brown!)….add in Denver being tough at mile high….as much as I wanna see the Colts bash their face in again….Mr Regular Season (or wait they have two now)…will do his magic and run the score up on the Colts….

Winner: Broncos

Game Quality: ***

 

Monday Sept. 8:

7pm:

NY Giants at Lions:

At least its not a game I need to run home from family dinner to hurry up and be ready and into watching from second one….though about 15 minutes into Raw starting this will look like the greatest game of all time…the Giants have been a mess all pre-season, the offensive line is a mess….and the only reason that people have any faith in this team is two sticky helmet catches and Eli’s reputation from them….the Lions have their holes too (mostly on defense)…but Jim Caldwell did learn a bit about running an offense by being Peyton Manning’s bitch…err….I mean by coaching Peyton….in Indy….and a team with Calvin, Bush, Tate and the TE’s….and Stafford dishing the ball to them…..add that and home field….that’s enough reason to love the Lions here….it won’t be exciting but it’s better than Jerry Springer and the Bella Twins (yes REALLY)….and Michael Sam blowing off Raw this week….

Winner: Lions

Game Quality: **

 

1020pm:

San Diego at Arizona:

Now this game I’m actually intrigued by…however Trent Dilfer and Chris Berman (good God, 1994 called and it said you can have your sh!tty catchphrases you’ve worn out over three decades)…those two are gonna make me miss Jerry Lawler…oh boy…the Arziona defense has been gutted by injuries and departures, but seeing Phillip Rivers going against that Cardinal secondary is still going to be interesting….as well as how the Charger defense does against the Cardinal offense….I’m not a big Palmer guy, and you can tell I don’t trust Ellington when I didn’t draft him in ANY of my five leagues….the passing game will be good….but I don’t like all the parts, and I can’t help it…I’m a big Phillip Rivers guy and dammit I’m gonna stick with that!!!

Winner: Chargers

Game Quality: ** ¾

 

NFL Power Rankings Week 1:

AFC:

  1. New England…new season, easy schedule, improved defense
  2. Steelers….I just like a LOT what they did in the off-season
  3. Denver…let’s go a week without a suspension can we?
  4. Colts….maybe time to step up to the big boys level again?
  5. Ravens…at least the AFC isn’t hideous this year….

 

NFC:

  1. Seattle….still probably the best team in football
  2. Saints….the quest for home field starts now
  3. Packers….losing Raji HURTS, but still in the mix….
  4. San Francisco… there’s a reason they play so close to Alcatraz…
  5. Washington….I just wanna say REDSKINS again! REDSKINS!!!!!!

NFL 2014 Season Preview.... Part 2, the NFC!

01 September 2014 - 03:37 PM

  With the regular season start looming just around the corner (you know because we need a SPORTZ ENTERTAINMENTZZZ EXTRAVAGANZA WITH OUR FOOTBALLZ….right??)….its time to finish up the other half of my lil preview of the NFL before we get into the week by week breakdowns…insults and all the wisecracks you’ve grown to know and enjoy on a weekly basis….hopefully I can keep the NFL Thought Police just far away enough to say what I can actually wanna say without the Goodell BAN HAMMER running wild on me…..

 

NFC East:

Jesus these four teams look damned identical don’t they?? They all put out big name QB’s and flashy offenses, and none of them play a damn bit of defense…not even in practice….the NFC East is the NFL Front Office’s recurring Wet Dream isn’t it?? You can make a case for any of these guys winning it (well except Dallas :P )…..and any of these teams going in the sh!tter and winning 5 games….it’s going to be a fascinating watch indeed……

 

Washington Redskins:

I could give you all sorts of X’s and O’s reasons….Robert Griffin makes a comeback and looks like a rookie again (doesn’t seem likely from early reports…and he seems to have a fragile psyche….a BAD sign for an NFL QB)…hell maybe Kirk Cousins comes in and looks like a God too (its possible….Cousins seems more a Gruden-style of QB too, again just an opinion)…I could say Alfred Morris will have a big year under Gruden too (yes I’m nicely saying that Shanhan was a buffoon and his only success in the NFL was on the arm and legs of two super-dominant players in Elway and Terrell Davis)….I could say the defense looks healthy and improved….and I’d even take the 15 yards from the NFL thought police for it….but there’s one small fact that is indisputable fact that damn well guarantees the Redskins the NFC East….what’s that you ask?? Of course you do….simple….the key to the NFC East the last three seasons has simply been….playing the Dallas Cowboys in week 17….and once again the Redskins got that Golden Ticket!!! The fact that Dallas may not be GOOD ENOUGH to make that game matter might hinder the Redskins….but damn its hard to forget that kinda trend!! (and everything else I said plus adding Deshawn Jackson is a BIG plus too….)

Projected Record: 10-6 (1st)

 

Philadelphia Eagles:

This may be a bit of a bold estimate for the Eagles….after all the NFL has had a full year to counter the Warp Speed Offense and that usually changes everything….having a weapon like Dr McCoy in the backfield does help making adjustments difficult and the Eagels are betting HEAVY on a healthy Maclin replacing Deshawn’s numbers in Washington (and to be fair, if Maclin was there last year he’d have gotten a good share of the looks….and we’d have lost out on a LOT of “Oh …I see…. Riley Cooper only catches passes from the WHITE GUY” jokes…..)…this offense is built to outrace you to the line and take advantage of the matchups before you have a bloody clue what the hell is going on….the problem with that is still the execution damn well better be there….if it misses you’re off the field quicker than a piss break ….bad news for a defense that was DEAD LAST against the pass (and you know #10 is gonna light them up….twice…so will Dallas for sure)…the 31 turnovers helped with that, and this whole team is NFL approved and all about getting the ball to the offense as much as possible….it will be fun to watch again….provided Nick Foles can be CLOSE to what he was last season (expecting a 27-2 TD/Int ratio again is pure madness though)…this team will knock on the playoff door again this season….

Projected Record:  10-6 (2nd)

 

Dallas Cowboys:

Most people get biased TOWARDS their own team….but 15 years of unfiltered Jerry Jones idiocy kinda wears you thin on that (so does my ungodly habit of me talking smack coming back to blow up in my face much like the 49ers defense in handcuffs)….as long as Tony Romo is healthy (and yes say what you want about him….but Dumbo makes the mistakes he does because between horrific coaching, a useless defense and all the stuff around him….he HAS to do 10,000 %...and like I say…a LOT…”I can’t wait for the day that Tony Romo is the biggest problem of the Dallas Cowboys”….that will require a fatal heart attack of Jerry Jones (well maybe a crippling stroke :P )….and a glorious and horrifc death of Jason Garrett (and hopefully a painful one)…to START getting the Cowboys on their way again….it’s a shame, with this rebuilt O-Line, this team has a potential to be a legit Top 5 offense (if the idiot in charge learns that handoffs are cool too….)…Dez Bryant, Terrance Williams and Jason Witten are as good a top 3 catching trio as the league has….and Murray if healthy….and getting the ball can make this offense damn near unstoppable….the offense can be as good….as the defense will be bad….corners being asked to play a style they can’t….a D-Line that could actually use Michael Sam (not only sad, but opens the door WIDE OPEN for the classic “only thing from Texas are Steers and Queers” jokes…) …the D-Line and Linebacker group would need a massive upgrade to be called “Swiss Cheese”….and its gonna be UGLY some weeks…but the Cowboys do have the guns and the firepower to stay with ANYONE….that will win them just enough games to fool people into thinking this team has a shot….unless Romo’s back fails….then this is a two win team at best (and with the amount of leagues I have Dez Bryant in….I can totally buy into that :P )

Projected Record: 7-9 (3rd)

 

New York Giants:

This is always dangerous….anytime you count the Giants out, they slime out like a snake in the grass and bite you in the leg….and then you get these nasty hallucinations of bandwagon fans all around you ….surrounding and drowning you…it’s a terrible thing….but when you look at this team….what used to be its strengths are gone….the O-Line is suspect and being slapped back together…the D-Line scares NO ONE (outside of Pierre-Paul….that is a BIG IF about him coming back to form again, especially with the front 4 looking pretty ordinary outside of him)…the secondary is improved, but a defense is only as good as its pass rush, I stick by that belief…and at least the running game should be improved (can’t be much worse, right??) and Jennings is well-schooled in running behind awful O-lines….it comes with being a Raider…another big concern here is the passing game… Cruz is decent (and I will never cry about seeing fewer Salsa’s :P ) …and Beckham should be able to out-do all ZERO of Nicks’ TDs last year…but we started calling him El-I-N-T for a reason after all….and he’s showing no signs of improving in this new offense …and oh how will EVER the Giant fans survive this UNTHINKABLE Super Bowl “drought”  of… *gasp* THREE YEARS….how will the NFC survive without a “New York Team” in it??....Good God I’m just setting myself up for disaster here…..

Projected Record: 6-10 (4th)

 

NFC North:

A bit more predictability in this one….though the annual trip of the entire Packer roster to the injury list has begun, they still are a step or two ahead of everyone else in here…..it’s hard to figure out Detroit and Minnesota, but this is another NFL Front Office approved division….lots of fancy offense….and not much on the other side of the ball….Minnesota is a total Wild Card here….good luck figuring out what the hell they are in August…..

 

Green Bay Packers:

If the packers didn’t have the injury crisis with A-Rod last year…the Packers would have run away with this damn thing easily last year (and we’d have missed out on an EPIC finish in the Week 17 game with the Bears)…the Packer offense is as good as it gets in the NFL….A-Rod is the best QB in football (screw you Peyton and ditto to Brees and Brady too…A-Rod is the man, no doubt!), a healthy receiver corps (at least to start the year)…and Eddie Lacy to balance the run and the pass (and unlike some fool in Dallas the willingness to balance that sh!t out)…Julius Peppers to give a counter-pass rusher to Clay Matthews on the other side of the front 7….that’s a scary pass rush and a team that is very opportunistic on big plays and turnovers…anything that gets the ball back to that offense is a good thing….this is by far the best team in the NFC North….if they stay sorta healthy (which would be a first in Green Bay) this team’s hat is in the ring for home field in the NFC….and the NFC winner likely wins the whole damn thing….

Projected Record: 11-5 (1st)

 

Chicago Bears:

Much like Green Bay, the Bears have a loaded offense, Forte, Jeffrey, Marshall, Bennett and others….Jay Cutler has a ton of options to spread the ball too (providing he can do something he’s not done in Chicago…play all 16 games)….Jared Allen will bring some pass rush to this team…but is the run defense any better??? Not so likely (and certainly not so in the pre-season)…this defense will provide some fantasy football goodness (especially in leagues you don’t get hit for points allowed)….but in all reality…it’s gonna all be on the million dollar arm….and five cent brain of Jay Cutler, but much like Dallas this team has the firepower to win enough games to likely be a wild card team....gotta keep this short and sweet so I can my defense talk for the NFC West where I can watch my flag throwing chaperone’s head explode when I go DEFENSE DEFENSE DEFENSE….suspended 49er….MORE DEFENSE….damn I can’t wait!!!

Projected Record: 10-6 (2nd)

 

Minnesota Vikings:

There is not a more difficult team in the NFL to gauge than the Vikings right now (ok…MAYBE the Bills, but they are set outside of QB)….so many question marks here…..well aside of Adrian Peterson being AP….and Cordelle Patterson on the verge of breaking out into reeking of awesomeness….well maybe Kyle Ruldoph because Norv Turner does love his tight ends (hrrrmm…maybe the Vikings should get Michael Sam…. *FLAG*….UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT….*smacks official in the face with my old goalie stick*…oh just shut up already :P….question marks at QB…like Matt Cassell….REALLY?? those kinda questions….and Teddy Bridgewater….and HOW SOON?? PLEASE!! Cassell sucks!!! GET IN THERE NOW DAMMIT!! And all sorts of questions at WR…and *gasp* defense (good thing I knocked my lil companion out, I can speak freely again!)….there’s too many “What If’s” on this team to trust them for sure….but getting production out of Bridgewater in any fashion makes this season a WIN for them…and the window for AP is starting to close too….

Projected Record: 6-10 (3rd)

 

Detroit Lions:

Yes, the coaching upgrade from Schwartz to Jim Caldwell is nice…but we’re still not talking Lombardi here…hell we’re not even talking Lovie Smith or Dennis Green…and this team is still a bit on the immature side (Suh is STILL making dumb plays all over the place, and that kinda stupid may be beyond repair)…I don’t trust Stafford in the big spots…he has that Favre-factor in him….in all the bad ways….the running game is still uncertain and I don’t think anything’s been done to help the defense either….and this de-Schwartzing of the Lions is gonna take some time to clean all the crap out (that includes Suh walking at the season’s end)…Calvin and Tate and the other WR’s will keep this team in games…but I’m just not buying this team or roster at this point….can you blame me?? (Don’t worry….Stafford will pile up his 5,000 yards on Aylbert’s bench and no one will care J )

Projected Record: 6-10 (4th)

 

NFC South:

A legit Super Bowl contender in the Saints….and a lot of questions after that….have the Falcons fixed their O and D Lines? Was Schiano really the problem in Tampa or was my Rutgers hatred seeping through? (a little of both)….who the hell is Cam Newton going to throw too….or is he just getting injured on purpose…..I’d want a do over too with that offense….it’s doubtful anyone but the Saints make the playoffs here….and they MUST get home-field to meet any Super Bowl expectations…..

 

New Orleans Saints:

This might possibly be the deepest and most complete Saints team of all-time ever assembled (and yes …on paper….better than the Super Bowl winning team they had) …..we all know about Drew Brees already and all he can do with the football….and yay it took stupid arbitration for us to learn that a guy who lines up at TE, goes to the Pro Bowl as a TE, and is a tight end GETS PAID AS ONE (and then goes and cries like a bitch about Lance Moore (who deserves to die anyway) and Darren Sproles having to leave the team to paid his overpriced ass in the process…funny thing is when Graham lines up as a WR….he might as well be Stephen Hill (I use him not because he’s a Jet…but because his ass got cut and they were just talking about it on the radio…)….and not to piss on the NFL’s parade….but this defense looks pretty sick this year….hell it was good enough to cut Chump Bailey (who’s career is probably over) and adding Jarius Byrd with Kenny Vaccaro makes for an awesome pair of safeties down the middle….add in Rob Ryan’s crazy defensive mind….and a chance at Home Field….and this is a possible….hell I’d say probable Super Bowl team…..providing January football goes through the Superdome….

Projected Record: 12-4 (1st)

 

Tampa Bay Bucs:

Yes firing Schiano and adding in an ACTUAL NFL head coach not only adds respectability to this team…but it instantly gives them 5 wins in the next season! Not that Lovie Smith is Lombardi mind you….just compared to Schiano he is :P…adding Josh McNown as a tutor/mentor/fill-in for Mike Glennon was a smart move too (esp with those targets of Evans and V-Jax to chuck it too….McNown should feel like he’s in a Global Warmed Version of Chicago down there….add in the health of Doug Martin and the improvements to the offensive line and this looks like a solid offense (and way better than the two teams below)…the defense was solid last season too (and hurt more by the level of awful trying to run a Rutgers offense in the NFL turned into)….plus Lovie Smith defenses tend to get pressure and cause turnovers…both essential things in the current “defense is evil” mindset the NFL has….and dare I say it…this is a bubble playoff team….amazing what wiping a Schiano-stain from your soul can do for you!!!!

Projected Record:  9-7 (2nd)

 

Atlanta Falcons:

Good God, the NFC does offer a lot of “family friendly porn” for the NFL higher-up’s don’t they??? A top-flight QB in Matt Ryan, two top targets in Roddy White and Julio Jones (and even Harry Douglas stepped up big when the other guys went down)…but that’s where the good news stops in Atlanta….in fact….to the Falcon fan out there (is there one?) I’m afraid I have some BAD NEWS FOR YOU!!!! (get better soon Wade Barrett)…the running game was horrific last year….the offensive line is already shuffling injuries…there’s NO ONE at Tight End now that Gonzo can’t dunk the goalpost anymore…and the D was soft and horrific last year and won’t be much better this year….their head coach is a fool….and the ONE GODDAMN YEAR I HAVE HBO THESE IDIOTS ARE THE HARD KNOCKS TEAM??? Screw them!!! And they suck anyway!!!!

Projected Record:  6-10 ( 3rd )

 

Carolina Panthers:

…..as much as the other teams in this division offer flashy offense and all that eye candy for the powers that be….this is that ugly fat chick in the back of the room that is about to take her shirt off and you yell NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO at….you don’t wanna see THAT people….yeech….an over-priced and under productive backfield (in fact these high priced backs on god AWFUL contracts are why this team is in cap hell….if any team would want to steal two compliance buyouts from the NHL and use them it would be on DeAngelo Williams and John Stewart and be done with those abyss-like contracts)…and the receiveing core that was brought in when Steve Smith HAD to go (he was a rare cuttable player on this team…that old GM needs be pistol-whipped still)…Jericho Cotchry? Kelvin Benjamin? Good God….at least they have Greg Olson  at TE…but there’s not much else on offense here…..3 and out might be a good drive for the Panthers….and I didn’t even mention the mass injuries that Cam Netwon has taken in the off-season (the broken foot from kicking the wall when Smith left…the ribs he hurt in the pre-season)….and while the front 7 is as good as it gets…the secondary will be crappy…and the offense is gonna leave them out there more often than not….that’s an ugly prognosis for the Panthers in the short-term future….its the kinda ugly that costs coaches jobs….

Projected Record:  (5-11, 4th)

 

 

NFC West:

The best Division in football not only sports the reigning and defending Super Bowl Champs….but it also boasts the runner-up team last year (screw Denver, the Niner pass rush would have gotten just as many defensive rules changed this season too)…..an upcoming Rams team the league is buzzing about….and oh yeah….a 10-6 team that missed the playoffs….long gone is the 7-9 division winner…well maybe that one just moved East…..

Seattle Seahawks:

Reigning and defending Super Bowl CHAMPS….damn that is nice to say still!!! Young, signed up and now with a possible full season of Percy Harvin…..and a nice middle finger to the NFL that a DEFENSE AND RUN FIRST TEAM CAN STILL WIN….suck it Goodell!!! And hence the 40,000 illegal contact penalties in the pre-season this year (*sigh*…it’s like hearing Mario Lemieux complain about obstruction in the NHL….and seriously….the faster you make the game the MORE YOU PUT YOUR PLAYERS AT RISK….the good players will fight through the challenges and be good….you’re just evening the field for the lesser players to make plays and 55-50 games with no defense are boring….and why the Arena League sucks :P )…. Marshawn Lynch is back in the fold, but he ran out of gas near the end after all…but at least Seattle can rely on the league’s best defense to help them out and make it easier on the offense (not to mention Harvin in the return game if needed in big spots)…add in Russell Wilson in year three and being able to take steps and leaps ahead in his development and maybe make the rest of this receiver corps too…..I don’t expect the total dominance of last season….and a few untimely flags will probably cost Seattle …..but if they like New Orleans….get home field…look out, this team is HELL ON EARTH to beat in Seattle….its just so goddamned hard to repeat, and this team doesn’t have a huge margin of error (and a tough schedule too)…I don’t see a repeat likely….but there’s not many teams in football that could knock them off….

Projected Record:  11-5 (1st)

 

St Louis Rams:

OH MY GOD THE RAMS CUT MICHAEL SAM!!! THEY HATE GAYS AND DIDN’T WANT TO SPEND EXTRA MONEY ON A MICHAEL SAM SHOWER ROOM….HOW HORRIBLE ARE THESE PEOPLE!!!! OH MY GOOODDDDDD!!!...ok, did I get that out of everyone’s system?? Can we stop talking about one of three 7th Round picks?? Good grief….anyway….to the actual active Rams….

….many moons ago the Rams lost their starting QB, they had an awesome team around him and people were buzzing about this team….but Trent Green was gone….and in came this Arena Football playing, Bible in his back pocket, Jesus ADORING guy named Kurt Warner….we all know how that turned out ….right?? Shaun Hill could be that next guy…an improving receiving core…a good O-Line…Zac Stacey who emerged last year as the guy (given last year, someone ELSE was the guy and all he did was piss off fantasy owners and be so bad I can’t even remember his damned name)….the best D-Line and possibly front 7 in the game ….if a WR can step up (people expect it to be Kenny Britt…he’s a Rutgers alum….I know better….)…and the safeties can develop on the fly, this is a complete team and Hill can ride the wave just like Kapernick does in San Fran and just try to not screw it up and this team will be good….I also heavily believe in their coach, and expect this team to be knocking on the playoff door…..

Projected Record:  9-7 (2nd)

 

San Francisco 49ers:

This is the one I expect to take a LOT of sh!t over……the San Francisco 49ers WILL MISS THE PLAYOFFS….I’ve been saying it all off-season….all pre-season (nice to know they actually found the end zone at long last)…but I’ll break it down into three reasons (and I swear only one is their overrated Tim Tebow clone with a deep ball :P )

First: when you go to three NFC Title games in a row….you only have down to go, it’s VERY rare you can maintain that level season after season

Second: their defense is on the down too….Bowman starts the season not playing…. Aldon Smith misses nine games for his dopey LAX incident, the secondary has holes…add in this Ray McDonald incident too…... this team leans HEAVY on this defense….which leads to….

Third: (yeup)….Colin Kapernick….as much as I feel he’s VASTLY overrated because of his legs and being in a perfect system with all the pieces being around him …and now they added receivers….and good receivers want the ball…this guy only knows one kinda throw…the fastball…he has NO touch…and like I have said before….I don’t think he has it between the ears to get it….if they can run and dominate on defense…he can make his goofy plays and his ugly throws (did  I mention his horrid competition percentage too?)…not to mention go back and look at his record when playing an equal or better opponent….it ain’t good….there’s a reason that his contract extension is a glorified chain of one year deals….even the Niners know this can blow up on them and get ugly in a nanosecond!

 

Don’t get me wrong this team still has a good o-line, and running game, and defense and all the stuff the NFL hates (also don’t factor the NFL’s war on defense making this team have problems too)…and having Crabtree for a full season will help….since he’s good enough to catch those off-target scud missiles that Kap loves to sling….this team is just due for a step back….we can call it a new stadium jinx if you guys want J

Projected Record:  8-8  (3rd)

 

Arizona Cardinals:

Speaking of a team that had a brutal off-season…oh boy Arizona….Daryl Washington done for the year (just made losing Dansby all the more painful since those MLB were kinda important here) …add in John Abraham’s eventual suspension too (and I heard him call in XM’s NFL Channel and was drunk off his ass a few years ago…..cringe radio at its best)…notice how I spoke bad things and played up the NFL actually caring about its wellness policies and I DIDN’T get flagged….I’m either learning or I’ve given the thought police a headache by now…its probably Option B…it tends to be (and now I’ll sneak in that Cromartie and Peterson MIGHT be the best take the ball away corner tandem in the league)….add in a still crappy O-Line (it’s amazing Carson Palmer survived all 41 sacks last year)….a suspect running game….and it’s hard to see this team going 10-6 again, no matter how many times Palmer can get the ball to Fitz and Floyd…..this team took as many off-season hits as Carolina did….seriously…..

Projected Record:  6-10 (4th)

 

Ahh, all preview’ed and ready for Thursday Night now!!! Well almost….still gotta do the Week 1 Preview….that should be done Wednesday Night or Thursday morning after yoga….nothing says yoga focus like breaking down the defenses for the Chiefs and Titans game while in Tree pose, right?? Welcome back football!!!!

....a random wacky thought.....might make good dicussion....

29 August 2014 - 11:24 AM

....as I've met a good chunk of people from here over the years at Devil games....hockey outings....fantasy football bickerings.....hell I was even stalked by Manta once :P

.....it was just a thought that came to me....and it might make some wacky discussion too...

 

 

....who on this forum that you haven't met on here would you WANT to meet???

 

I don't mean any creepy internet serial killer stuff here.....just think about it.....

 

like I'll admit....Triump's stat obsession fascinates me and I'd be curious to see if he's like that in reality..... ditto say 7 ....

 

its been forever since there was a classic wacky and random NJDevs thread on here..... figured I'd try to amp one up.....and GO:

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