NJCroMag

Dear New Jersey Devils, I decided to consult my Magic Eight Ball this morning to see if you'd do me a solid and pull out a W tonight. First answer: "Outlook not so good." Tried again: "Very doubtful." Unacceptable, went again: "My reply is no." Not good enough, kept going: "Don't count on it." Awful, did another: "Ask again later." Decided to end there. At least it was non-committal. Good luck tonight, NJCroMag

Dear New Jersey Devils, As you enter this very important game tonight, I'm reminded of something very inspirational my grandfather used to tell me. When you heard it, you felt like you could move entire mountains, inspire worldwide peace and mash Saturn and Jupiter into one another to create a new super-planet called Jupiturn (rolls off the tongue better than Satiter, I think). It could take the most down-on-his-luck man and turn him into a force of nature...an unstoppable machine...a juggernaut of kaiju-like destruction. Anyway, good luck tonight. Love always, NJCroMag

Dear NeAw Jersee Devils, My thougts on the stout so far is . . Firts one: I like the roasty. Can’t pick up the cinnamons. Swcons one: Netter than first. Chiles inside bru? A hint, but heet not sure? Tird one: A sipper but tummy is smiles. Barrel aged on back tung is maxing. Havemt had chance to IPA yet. I love you all so much and hocky, NJComag

Dear New Jersey Devils, Okay, I’ve got a four-pack of an 11%-ABV triple-IPA and a four-pack of a 13%-ABV barrel-aged Mexican stout for the game. Every time I see something I like from you guys today, I’m chugging the stout. Every time I see something I don’t like, I’m chugging the trip. Every time I feel like chugging and it has nothing to do with the game, I’m chugging. All I know is this: I’m going to have a great day…and tomorrow at work is going to be really rough. Oh, and good luck today. I suppose. Best, NJCroMag

Dear New Jersey Devils, I think I know what went wrong with game one. I shouldn't have to be the one to educate you on this, but proper stretching before the game goes a long way. We're going to fix this so we're ready for game two. Everybody line up. Make three or four rows so we can all fit. Good. Ready? Let's begin. On the floor. Spread those legs wide. Now, to the right...sets of five. And a one...two...three...four...come on, boys! Push it! Reach for it like you're reaching for that next big contract with the team! Not you, Mackenzie...but everybody else. Annnnnnnnnnd...five! Great job, everybody! Now, to the left...another five. One...two...three...looks like Ryan got lost somewhere on the way to five...back with us, Ry? Good! And four...annnnnnnnnnd five! Okay, one more set to go... Now, to the middle...this is the tough one. And a one, two, thr-...ACK! CRAP! I HEARD SOMETHING POP! I don't think this is...uhhh...supposed to look like this. Okay...keep going without me, boys! YOU GOT THIS! Annnnnnnnd...five! Beautiful work, boys. Game two is all but yours now. Someone call me an ambulance. Ow, NJCroMag

Dear New Jersey Devils, Please accept this inspirational parable as my best wishes for a game one victory tonight against the Hurricanes... The moral of the story, obviously, is that...uhhh...there are still parts of North Carolina where people don't wear shoes? That's...wow...that's the best I've got. I'm not very good at this, apparently. Anyway...best of luck! With eternal love, NJCroMag [AUTHOR'S NOTE: I had to Google it afterwards, but apparently, the story is about how important it is to have the right mindset and attitude to properly assess a situation. But I like my shoes theory better.]

Dear New Jersey Devils, THANK YOU. Yours, NJCroMag Dear New York Rangers, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... [FOUR WEEKS LATER] ...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Okay, I think it's out of my system now. Lick me, NJCroMag

Dear NJ Devils, You guys lucked out. I went to bed dejected last night, only to discover that my wife was - for reasons still perplexing to me - digging the CroMag. I’m not going to get into details (DM me, if interested), but it helped me deal with a disappointing game six loss. But, fellas…no such comfort awaits me if you don’t get the job done Monday night. School/work night attempts at…you know…usually don’t go in my favor. So, no pressure…BUT IT ALL RESTS ON YOU. I feel like I’ve said too much, and this is awkward. This is probably a good place to wrap up. Yours 4ever, NJCroMag

Dear NJ Devils, 100% won’t cut it for tomorrow night. I wanna see you give at least 103%. Maybe even more. And don’t insult me by asking if 102% is okay. You should know better. Yes…even Wood. Passionate tongue kisses, NJCroMag

Dear NJ Devils, You played very well last night and I'm proud of you all. If you keep this up, all of your dreams will come true, whether your dream is a Stanley Cup championship or the one involving the whipped cream and naked supermodels. Kisses, NJCroMag

Dear Devils, If you don't win tomorrow night, I'm going to punish myself by watching an Adam Sandler film. FOR GOD'S SAKE...DO...NOT...LOSE. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. Yours, NJCroMag P.S. I have it on good authority that all Rangers fans punch babies. Can anyone confirm?

Dear New Jersey Devils players: As a sign of appreciation for last night's victory, I would like to shower you all with kisses on the face and mouth. Please contact my assistant for scheduling. Ah, what the heck...coaching staff, too. But forehead only...except for Lindy. Yours, NJCroMag

Go Devils. Tonight, I want you to hockey better than the other team hockeys. And, if you don't win tonight, I'm never wearing pants again. Nobody should ever have to see that. You've been warned.

Hi. I'm wearing pants. This is one of my all-time favorites.

I say this with total sincerity... I hope Carp makes every game day thread going forward. God-speed, good sir!