insanity_gallops Posted February 9, 2003 Share Posted February 9, 2003 Well as most posters on this board know, I'm what you would call a "young adult." Fast approaching my 20th birthday, when I can't call myself a teenager anymore, and living my life at college. I deal with the typical college-stress stuff (deadlines, exams, jerk professors, etc.), but recently something's come up that I'm not quite sure how to deal with. And I'm hoping some of those on this board, perhaps they may be elder and wiser or maybe they've just dealt with a similar situation, could offer some helpful advice... something along those lines. So here goes. A friend of mine with whom I have recently (as in the past few months) gotten to know very well was supposed to come visit me out at school. However, early in the week before her scheduled visit, she called me up and told me that she wasn't feeling very well. After we stopped talking that night, she was actually taken to the hospital because she didn't know what was wrong with her -- and she knows quite a bit about healthcare, so that's a rather big deal. She was kept overnight and treated for dehydration and all sorts of other things, was put on an IV because they were afraid her system couldn't handle food and she was so deprived of essential nutrients, etc. So I find all this out the next day, and suffice to say I was appauled and worried, but she said she was feeling a little better. I talked to her again a few days later, and she said she probably couldn't come out to visit me because she wasn't feeling better than before, but rather worse. She didn't feel like herself, and went and had more tests done. After a lot of testing, the doctors discovered that one of her lungs might be partially collapsed, among other things. They had to check on it more, so she was due back for more tests later in the week. Talked to her the other day, and things apparently aren't looking good for her recovering quickly. She's had numerous tests done, and even had a biopsy two days ago, and the doctors really don't know what to make of her problems.... Her lungs aren't getting worse, but they aren't healing, and she still feels like crap most of the time, basically. But they also discovered a lump of some kind in the base of one of her lungs. And now they're starting to throw around one of those horrible words that no one ever wants to hear... "cancer." When I heard that, I was floored. And I really didn't know what to say, and there's clearly nothing I can do. She's taking everything all right, but like I've said before, I just don't know how to deal with it. I don't think anyone should ever have to deal with a loved one fighting cancer, but I especially don't think someone like myself, not even 20 years old and still with a great amount of life to lead ahead of me, should have to face such a difficult situation. So my question is... does anyone have any helpful advice on how I can deal with this? Anything I can say/do? I know it seems like a shot in the dark because there's no fix-all for this, but I figured, what the hell, right? Maybe someone can help me out here. Well... there it is... any advice welcomed, either in responses or through PMs. If no one responds or PMs me, I won't really take it personally. It would just be nice to get some advice on this from people other than my direct friends and my parents. Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheeps Posted February 9, 2003 Share Posted February 9, 2003 Believe it or not, a friend of mine might actually have cancer too... cancer cells were found in her cervix. I don't know what to do about it either, but take it one day at a time and pray everything will get better. Healthcare today is top notch, especially in north Jersey, so hopefully everything can go well. First thing my friend said was, "But I'm only 19! How is this possible?" It's ridiculous. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimmy Leeds Posted February 9, 2003 Share Posted February 9, 2003 IG, "You" are not facing a difficult situation.....your friend is. "You" do not have to deal with "it", she does. I'm not trying to be critical of you, but you write that you are only almost 20 and you don't know how to face a difficult situation. Don't worry about you, it's not about you. You write that she's taking everything allright..... is she in a better frame of mind then you? Listen, the biggest thing and most important couple of things I can suggest it to pray for her/BE THERE for her if she wants you to be and if you can. If she's your girlfriend, treat the relationship as if it was not there on personal issues between the two of you....i.e. don't stay with/break up with her because of her being sick. If it's meant to be, you'll know it. But MOST OF ALL......being diagnosed with cancer is NOT A DEATH SENTENCE.....and don't treat her that way. She has a lot to deal with if it is, and she won't need questions like, "How you doing?" Instead try, "How are you feeling today?" My friends wife passed away on Christmas after suffering for 3 years, those points were directly from her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Derek21 Posted February 9, 2003 Share Posted February 9, 2003 insanity, I think that's very tough . It sounds like you are friendly with her and that's good. If I were you, I'd just be very supportive of your friend and maybe send her a card or even something cute to cheer her up. The only thing you can do is be nice and be the same friend you always have been to her. Send something and call to show you care. Don't let this effect what you do on a day. Just be supportive and go about what you have to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBT Posted February 9, 2003 Share Posted February 9, 2003 Sympathy is standing on the curb and seeing a car accident. Empathy is being the passenger. A person is a part of all that he or she has met. And this person certainly is a part of you. Empathy, my friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gionta14 Posted February 9, 2003 Share Posted February 9, 2003 Well, I've sort of been in situations like this one before because 3 people that are close to me have had cancer - 2 of them survived. There's not that much you really can do to help her, as much as that hurts. I think all you can really do is just be there for her no matter what, but don't treat her any differently just because she's sick. She'll appreciate it if you try not to make a big deal out of it, I think. I hope everything works out for you, and sorry I couldn't give better advice Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zamode Posted February 10, 2003 Share Posted February 10, 2003 Well Ig I don't know if you are a religious person but I would say prayer first. Jimmy has said alot by saying that she says she may have cancer--not that she is going to lose her life! Definitely be there for her in any way she needs and don't overly dote on her that she might she as condescending. Ask about her and how she is doing, maybe what she is feeling and not just her physical health. Talk about the same things you always do, too, whether that be music, other friends, school etc. Be as strong as you can be for her. Keep us posted how she is doing and I will keep you both in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eldon Posted February 10, 2003 Share Posted February 10, 2003 My only advice would be, that when talking to her, talk about her visiting you when she's better, that she's going to beat whatever it is & throw heaps & heaps of positive outlook on her & her psyche. Keep in touch & try to talk to her family for any other things she may want or need. And of course prayer always helps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluedevil02 Posted February 10, 2003 Share Posted February 10, 2003 Ig, I am in a similar situation. I am 20 years old (also a college student) and my mother was diagnosed with cancer back in November. It is a tough situation for everyone, but definitely for the one actually affected by the cancer. The best thing to do is just be there for her and listen to her. I know my mother always wants to talk about what is going on with her. However, that is when she is ready to talk about different things. This may be hard to figure out at first, what to talk about and when, but you will learn. When I first learned she had cancer, I was devastated. I felt like a zombie and couldn't think about anything else. It was hard to go to school and do my work. However, I did it. I knew I had to keep my head straight and keep up with my quality of work. Learning she was sick affected me more than I thought it would. I can understand your feelings. My mother and I are close. I am the only girl in my family (have all brothers). My mom is the one that I do hockey stuff with. It has been hard not being able to do the stuff we used to, like going to games and practices. I had to realize she was tired and wasn't up to it. You will have to be understanding that your friend may not be up for the same old thing too (whether that be going out, certain conversational topics etc.) Try to remain the same friend you were. (Some people change when they find out someone is sick.) Hope this helps at least a bit. (If you ever need to talk, feel free to im me.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zamode Posted February 10, 2003 Share Posted February 10, 2003 I'm sorry for your news as well, blue devil; will keep your mom in my prayers also. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weekes Head Posted February 10, 2003 Share Posted February 10, 2003 All you can do is be a friend. If they need you, then be there for them. Don't push them, don't pry. Make sure your friend knows this - if they need you, you'll ALWAYS be there for them. That's really all you can do. (aside from praying). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
exit_16w Posted February 11, 2003 Share Posted February 11, 2003 I know your 20 and you are looking for the elders on the board, but i felt i had to post on this. I know im only 17 but i've seen alot. When I was 15 my aunt had lung cancer. She had to be the nicest person i ever met and was apart of my life. And I felt like other people too, 'why is this happening to me' 'shes so young and so am I.' It was honestly the first time i ever broke down and cried. I couldn't do anything. I felt helpless, shes done so much for me and other people and asked for nothing in return and yet at the time she needed something i couldnt do anything. It was mentally frustrating. Im also an EMT, so ive seen even more at another angle. What I learned through my training on my first day were the two rules of life...1.) People do die and 2.) You can't change rule number one. I know it sounds cold and hard but to be honest its something I live by. I believe that everyone has their own path in life it you can't change it. Its tough everyone deals with this in their own way. What works for me is just being by myself, its not something i can talk to someone about, its more of me. But you have to find your Chi (or inner peace) the only thing i can suggest is know whats going on, educate your self so you can be more understanding with your friend. But don't treat her like this will be her last few times with you. If i know of someone who is going to die(hoping yor friend is not) i treat them like its anyother day. Physically they may in fact be dying or dead but spiritually they will always be with you. My prayers are with you and your friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheeps Posted February 11, 2003 Share Posted February 11, 2003 i think the idea ig was trying to convey that his friend who is probably between 18 and 22 already might have cancer, not that he doesn't know how to deal with cancer in the first place. we've all had people in our lives touched by cancer, but having a 20ish year old friend deal with it is especially difficult (not trying to be insensitive, if i am i am sorry) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StarDew Posted February 12, 2003 Share Posted February 12, 2003 IG...as a survivor of the disease, among other things, and perhaps being one the 'elders' you referred to, please allow me to add my $.02 I understand JL's point that your friend is in the spot and not you however I respectfully disagree to a point. When someone you care about is ailing it does affect your feelings. I know my friends were, and still are, affected by all my illnesses so yes, it is not about you however it does affect you. What I have been blessed with is folks who accept me the way I am, healthy or ill. Living in the moment and not dwelling on the past or wasting energy on what has not yet come to pass is folly. The key is to focus on the now. Be supportive of her but do not go so far as to treat her as if she had no independence or ability to perform what needs to be done unless she asks for it. The offer can always be made but dew not press the issue. If she is as fiercely independent as I am then she will push you away. Taking away one's independence is the most difficult issue facing an illness. Talk to her about the present. Ask how are things going today. Talk about a tv show you both saw or recommend one for both of you to watch that evening so there is something else to talk about the next day. Relate the weather issues back in NJ. Anything that will not add more stress to her current condition. Acknowledge her feelings even if they make no sense to you because feelings are very personal and no one can deny what a person feels even if they dew not agree. Be a friend. Accept her unconditionally and the rest will fall in place. Yes she is young to be so ill however since my illness road began when I was 16, I can relate. Remember this...getting well is 90% mental and 10% physical. Mind over matter. A positive frame of mind will allow the body to dew its thing. Meditation or deep breathing, any relaxation methods will help her too. Feel free to drop me a PM...just remember I only logon every few days or so. Good luck IG. I know you can deal with this because you have heart Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
insanity_gallops Posted February 13, 2003 Author Share Posted February 13, 2003 To all those who have profferred advice through this thread and through private messages, I have nothing but the most heartfelt thanks to you all. All the advice I received was great, and it has all proven very helpful for me, though things still are rather shaky. An update -- she went back to get the results of her biopsy, and somehow there was an error, or the results were inconclusive, something along those lines, and she has to return for more tests. On the upside, they are not 100% sure that the results will come back positive for cancer, so there's the chance that she's in the clear. If she is, that is absolutely wonderful news. She would then have to go in for more tests and see if the doctors could finally diagnose her correctly -- seems everyone she sees has been pretty baffled. She's still having some respiratory problems, but they seem to be getting better, and she's been able to be up and about more than in the past week or so. And, also very importantly, she's in much better spirits. Last time I talked to her she wasn't so down about everything. Well, I think that's all for now. I'll try to keep you all posted. I cannot thank you all enough for your thoughts, prayers, and advice in this matter. Truly, thank you again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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